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Local Youngster Depressed Due to Lack of Christmas Celebration

December 26, 2005

By Fakhruddin Butt

Nine year old Omar Watafa is just like any other child of
his age: he loves football, has memorized the Harry Potter books, and thinks
that girls have cooties.

He also loves Christmas.

What makes Omar’s story so different from other normal kids
of his age is that for the first time in his life, he did not receive any
presents on Christmas morning last year. “I was hoping to receive a PSP and some
$90 low-rise Gap jeans this year,” said Omar in an interview. “But then our
local meanie Imam said that we shouldn’t celebrate Christmas. So now I have to
wait till, like, Eid, and that’s like so far away.”

Omar’s parents, Shah Jehan and Cheryl Watafa, recently were
told by a local Imam that celebrating Christmas has no place in Islam, and that
while Muslims respect and honor Jesus as a great Prophet, they do not celebrate
his birth by cutting down and decorating trees and exchanging gifts. Mr. Watafa
commented, “I couldn’t believe the nerve of this guy, thinking he’s all
religious with his praying five times a day and telling me that I can’t
celebrate Christmas. I mean, what the heck am I going to do with my $200 tree
that I got? Besides, we have to show people that we’re like them, so what’s
wrong with giving presents and eating ham one day of the year?”

He decided to look into this further and contacted another
Muslim scholar, one Shaykh Liber Ali, who earned his certification as a
certified Muslim scholar by attending an APPNA convention and purchasing a
prayer-cap that he lost shortly thereafter. “Shaykh Ali is a much more
open-minded and true scholar, in my opinion. He’s studied Islam for so long and
he’s a shaykh, he knows what he’s talking about,” said Mr. Watafa. Cheryl
Watafa also said, “I liked his demeanor from the moment we met him. Whereas all
these other fundamentalist scholars spoke to me nicely, they never shook my
hand. Shaykh Liber Ali not only shook my hand, but hugged me as well. I really
liked his people skills.”


Shaykh Liber Ali

After spending ten minutes with Shaykh Ali, the
scholar told
the Watafas that since Jesus is a Prophet of Islam as well, there is
nothing
wrong with celebrating his birth through commercialistic displays of
faux-fraternity. “I mean, I read the Qur’an like once, ok, well like
half of it, in
English, and there’s no verse in there that says you can’t celebrate
Christmas
by purchasing needlessly overpriced materialistic items in the hopes of
deriving joy from them while completely neglecting and relegating
issues like
family and community to the wayside. I mean, have you read such a
verse? I know
I haven’t.

“I mean, haven’t you read my articles on some wakeup.com
site? Juuuiice, that was a good one. Deep
Blue Sea,
they ate me, a frickin shark ate me!”

While this reporter had no idea what the Shaykh meant by
this, undoubtedly it was filled with deep wisdom and hence left in this article
nonetheless.

The Watafas believe that the real issue at hand here is why
is Islam so strict about everything. Cheryl said, “It’s like, it’s like, they’re
anti-fun. The mother of one of Omar’s Muslim friends—and he has so few since
they’re all such extremists—told me that it’s not right for Omar to be praying
with torn up jeans. I told her, ‘Lady, those jeans with bullet holes cost me
$140, he damn right can pray with those on.’ See, for me, the thing is that all
these Muslims today are still living in the 7th century and riding
their camels. They don’t realize it’s the year 2005 and so what if we tell Omar
that Santa will bring him presents if he fasts a day in Ramadan? That’s good
motivation technique there, if you ask me.”

Of course, the real tragic figure is little Omar himself.
When I spoke with him, he mentioned that his Sunday school teacher, who is “scary
‘cause she wears this hood thing to cover her hair” told him that the Prophet
of Islam’s traditions are known as sunnah.
Omar protested, “See, Santa… sunnah, it’s all the same right? And they’re
telling me there’s no such thing as Santa.” He then proceeded to cry in the
arms of his mother.

Mrs. Watafa remarked, “You see what this kind of extremist
teachings can do to the fragile mind of my poor child?” She consoled Omar, “There
there honey, don’t cry, I’ll buy you anything you want and then you’ll feel
better.”

The Watafas and Shaykh Liber Ali believe that Santa Claus
equals Sunnah Al-Klawz, and that Santa is the Westernized name for a great Sufi
saint of legend whom God tells to distribute toys only to white children who live in
areas with snowfall who have been good. When I asked Shaykh Ali to guide me to
some sources where I could read more about Sunnah al-Klawz, he remarked, “I’m a
frickin’ shaykh, bit–, back off! If you believe in the “S”, you’ll be relievin’
yo’ stress.”

Taking Shaykh Ali’s advice to heart, the Watafas plan to
celebrate Christmas in the way, as Mr. Watafa eloquently stated, “in the way
that God meant for us to celebrate this joyous day.”

That, and the presents, should certainly cheer the face of a
little Omar.

As the carol goes: What
a wonderful time of the year
.

 ———————-

Currently Reading: Kitab’ul-Hajj from al-Mukhtasar al-Quduri by Abu’l-Hasan Ahmad ibn Muhammad al-Quduri al-Baghdadi

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32 Comments
  1. Assalamualaikum…
    ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha….man this was funneeeeeeeeeeeeee…..no wait..this was funn to the y….or is it…f to the unny…
    hahaha…me likey….
    Allah Hafiz
    Wasalaam

  2. I’ve heard Shaykh Liber Ali is a child molestor, little omar better watch out. Not only does he look for 2nd and 3rd wives while at ISNA and APPNA, he’s on the prowl for little boys as insurance policies. Pretending to be Santa is just one of his tricks. On a more serious note, gobacktosleep.com had an interesting and passionate defense of haloween, anyone read that? And for a refreshing alternative to gobacktosleep.com, check out.. http://www.altmuslim.com/

  3. Merry Christmas Shaikh KamKam,
    When I was young, like 5, I believed that Santa Claus was a jinn, and I called him Jinn Baba Santa.  Thus, he could easily slip in thru chimneys because he was a spirit-creature.  I opened my lunchbox at kindergarten and I found an extra candy in it, I thought Jinn Baba Santa left it there.  My parents put up Christmas lights, but then again, we had those lights on the inside of our house permanently for nearly every day of the year, in every room of our house.  I have weird parents.  Explains a lot. 
    Btw…that post was genius.  One of your better satirical posts. 
    p.s. Halloween rocks.  If anyone messes with Halloween, they are going to get a vicious rabid squirrel-bite from me. 

  4. Assalaamualaikum,HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAa… this post was hillarious! Sheikh Liberal Ali is liberally making the Watafa’s liberal 🙂 ‘Lady, those jeans with bullet holes cost me $140, he damn right can pray with those on.’ was so frickin hillarious…hahaha! and also the article that was filled with deep wisdom. It worked perfectly fine, atleast I didnt know what in the world that article was talking about…hehe!its hard to believe that one mind can come up with so much humor in a single post…hehe! Masha Allah, May Allah give you more wisdom and knowledge to keep your readers entertained. Aameen!Jazaakallah Khair!

  5. definitely one of your better satirical posts…props brother. the sad thing is that i can actually imagine people saying this stuff in real life.

  6. “I mean, haven’t you read my articles on some wakeup.com site? Juuuiice, that was a good one. Deep Blue Sea, they ate me, a frickin shark ate me!”
    lol, great Chapelle Show reference

  7. I love the underlying social commentary…very subtly done.

  8. I was going to read the post, but I couldn’t stop thinking about banana pudding.
    Atleast I have a valid excuse.
    Salaamalaikumwarahmatullahiwabarakatu.  Santa… that fat….  lol.

  9. lol nice execution. 2 eprops.

  10. lol nice execution. 2 eprops.

  11. Your post was quite funny, but I have been thinking about how our community reacts to the Christmas time. Usually, we have a few khutbas about Jesus (AS)… descriptions from the Qur’an/Hadith, contrasted with a simplistic portrayal of modern Christian beliefs, with the intention of correcting what we consider wrong among Christians. And I think this is effective in separating ourselves and our beliefs from Christians. But I think we can and should take advantage of the fact that most of the people in this country revere someone we also believe to be one of the best humans to have been created. What’s wrong with celebrating Jesus’ existence, the miracles Allah blessed him with, what he stood for, as opposed to trying to do damage control by saying, “hey, hey, hey… ISA (AS) was great, but lets realize that we don’t revere him AS MUCH AS Christians do”… when I think Christians actually embarass Jesus by relating him to God the way they do. We can benefit from the Jesus-momentum at this time and remind ourselves and those around us that we love Jesus as much as the Koreans in the Jesus-Love church. At least it’s Jesus and not someone whose piety we’re unaware of. And this shouldn’t be done in a competitive way: (indian accented khutbah) See you not that WE like Isa more than THEY like Jesus! They say it son of GOD…. but they are son of DOG! KUTTA! Meanwhile, dogs are pissing in their house! Stupid Christians! Ok, that was overdone, but what are people’s thoughts on this sort of celebration of Jesus by Muslims at this time of the year?

  12. ROFL, that picture of the dude in the thawb and scarf is awesome

  13. haha.  i am taking back 1 eprop in memory of a delicious banana pudding i ate a while back.
    sick isnt it?
    oh yeah!! read my article son.  JHKGDSBAHBKBSAbanana.
    =D
    salaamalaikumwabarakatu. isnt it weird when you skip the “rahmatullahi” part?

  14. Shaykh Liber Ali….hahaha that was the best part.

  15. The parents in the story were hilarious… most muslim parents just ignore their kids when they ask “why can’t we have a christmas tree?” But these ones go out and find a sheikh that lets them celebrate christmas… very funny.

  16. what mehnaaz said. (keepin it short to make up for my verbosity on the last one 🙂 )peace,IJB

  17. Anonymous permalink

    That shaikh Liber Ali is a studly brother, mashallah.
    You ladies better marry him before its too late and he fills his quota up with 4 wives…
    and are you inferring i’m some sort of liberal haramzada

  18. Anonymous permalink

    not so you get confused, i met to put a comma after liber… its not a liber haramzada, but i am calling you a haram zada….
    correction( are you inferring i’m some sort of liber, Haramzada
    meaning in the english vernacular, you are a bastard my friend 🙂
    P.S. learn your lesson, stop usign haramzadas, maybe they wont let you speak at orphanages. you already banned from champaign

  19. poor omar.
    liber ali…..nice touch bro. haha. asalamu alaikum.
    i pray to reach your level of writing cleverality. haha.

  20. AS USUAL, GENIUS KR

  21. oops, sorry, I don’t know why that came out in caps lock.

  22. Anonymous permalink

    lol does that guy’s name tag say that he needs a wife

  23. does Watafa have a cousin named Shutafa?

  24. The ending was the best:
    “I’m a frickin’ shaykh, bit–, back off! If you believe in the “S”, you’ll be relievin’ yo’ stress.”
    Taking Shaykh Ali’s advice to heart, the Watafas plan to celebrate Christmas in the way, as Mr. Watafa eloquently stated, “in the way that God meant for us to celebrate this joyous day.”

  25. haha “shaikh liber ali”

  26. hehe the last part was hilarious. good stuff as usual =)

  27. Mr. Fakhruddin Butt is quite funny, props for him.

  28. that….was awesome.

  29. Anonymous permalink

    lmao chapel niice niice

  30. Anonymous permalink

    nice story there!my niece is 4 and in pre-kand she cried when on xmas eve we didnt decorate a tree and when we didnt exchange presents on xmas morningbut yah we explained to her how we dont celebrate xmas and how we have EID and allthanks God she understood!!!

  31. Anonymous permalink

    Is this a real story?

  32. wblessing37@yahoo.com.phhellohow are you today i hope that every things is okwithyou as is my pleassure to contact you after viewingyour profile in love.www.really interest me in having communication with youifyou will have the desire with me so that we canget toknow each other better and see what happened infuture.i will be very happy if you can write me through myemail for easiest communication and to know allabouteach other here is my email (wblessing37@yahoo.com.ph)i will be waiting tohear from you as i wish you all the best for yourday.yours new friend. blessing

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