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Real Muslims of Genius

August 22, 2007

kr’s note: I was organizing old files on my computer last night (God, I need a life) and I came across stuff that I had posted during my “subprofile” days. For those keeping score at home, this was before facebook (since more people read this stuff there), before xanga, and even before These were spoofs of the ever-popular “Real Men of Genius” advertising theme, tweaked to reflect Muslim idiosyncrasies.

So yes, technically, this is a re-post from 6 years ago. The fourth one is new. Eh, whatever. Enjoy… or not.

Real Muslims of Genius #1:
“Hamdard Laboratories presents Real Muslims of Genius
(Reeeal Musssliiims of Geeeniusss!). Today we salute YOU, Mr. Eid-Parking
Director (Mr. Eid Parking Direeecctaaar!) When people come to pray for one day
in the year, you stand there in the rain and tell them the lot’s full(Come
baaack at
10 am, brottherrrr!).
People know that parking’s ten dollars, but they always give you twenties…
you think ahead and bring change… Brilllliant. (Please dont give me rupeeeeees!)
You know the weather’s bad, but you wear your whitest kurtha, it stays clean
till 9:45, and then, that aunty
drives through a puddle drenching you (vaaaaaaaaat the hell, sistaaaaaaaar??)
And even though I know that if I follow your directions, I’d end up praying Eid
prayer at 12 pm, I know youre just
doing your job (move your caar moore
on the grass brother!
). So crack open a bottle of Rooh Afza, Mr. Eid Parking
Director… the work you put in is exactly why we keep asking for funds for a
new parking lot (Mr. Eid Parking Directaaaaaar).”


Real Muslims of Genius 2:
Today we salute YOU, Mr. Friday
Prayer Khateeb (Mr. Friday Prayer Khatee-eeb!) 
When Moslems come to be Muslims for a day, they can always look forward
to hearing your inspiring words (Weee must have the cer-taan-tee!). You know
that people will fall asleep during your talks… so you decide to yell at them
to keep them awake… genius (You all lack Imaaan and are Kaaafirs!) You start by
talking about something, and then something else… when you end, you have no
idea what you just said… but that’s OK, cause no one else does either (Hurry up
and finish cause I’m double paaaaarked!
) Arabic, Urdu, or English khutbah? It
doesn’t matter, cause no one would understand you in any language (please don’t
talk during the khateeb
!) So crack open a bottle of Rooh Afza, Mr. Friday
Prayer Khateeb… next week, we’d learn more if you just read from Ahmed Sakr’s
khutbah book instead of trying to write your own (Mr. Friday Prayer

Real Muslims of Genius 3:
Hamdard Laboratories presents, Real Muslims of Genius
(Reeeal Muslims of Geeenius!) Today we salute YOU, Mr. Zabiha Meat Store
Butcher (Mr. Zabiha Meat Stoo-oore Buuutcher!) All day long, you tirelessly
hack out sweet succulent chops of lamb and perfect size pieces of chicken for
angry, impatient Muslims (I want my talahwha gosht!) You consider how to make people be more orderly, so
you set up a ticket numbering system… amazing, if people actually followed it (Aray
bhai, huzoor kay zamanay may yay kafiron ka number syshtem nahi tah! [o
brother, in the days of the Prophet there wasn’t this disbelievers’ system of
)  Did I order a leg of lamb
or ground beef kheema, I forget… but that’s okay, because you’ll give me
whatever you feel like anyway (How much for the laaaaamb kidneeeeys?)  Blood still left in the meat? Why, that’s
just flavor pockets that will lock in all that flavor when being cooked (Why’s my
check posted on the wall of baaad checks??
) So crack open a bottle of Rooh
Afza, Mr. Zabiha Meat Store Butcher… It’s hard enough to work all day without
chopping off your finger… so I won’t even bother to find out whether you REALLY
sell zabiha meat (Mr. Zabiha Meat Store Butcher!)

Real Muslims of Genius 4:
Hamdard Laboratories presents, Real Muslims of Genius (Reeeal Muslim of Geeeniuss!) Today we salute YOU, Mrs. ISNA Matrimonial Aunty (Mrs. ISNA Matrimo-neeal Aaaun-teee!) Five months before September, you get ready, compiling hundreds of biodatas from Moslems everywhere (I want an Aishwariya Rai look alike!). Five minutes, ten minutes, why that’s more than enough time for them to figure it all out (You don’t look twenty-fiiiiive!) Matching Punjabis with Punjabis, and Misris with Misris, you’ve got it all down to a science… brilliant  (But he’s not from my grandparents’ village!) Istikharah? Why, that’s what all those extremists do, you just need to match the MDs with the supermodels (But sister, I am a paanch namaazi!) So crack open a bottle of Rooh Afza, Mrs. ISNA Matrimonial Aunty… despite your crazy ways, more and more people sign up each year (Mrs. ISNA Matrimonial Aunteeee-eeee)


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  1. Anonymous permalink

    this xanga buziness is really dry now…

  2. “When people come to pray for one day in the year, you stand there in the rain and tell them the lot’s full(Come baaack at 10 am, brottherrrr!).” hahaha. thats so true how Eid parking directors act like.”You all lack Imaaan and are Kaaafirs!” I think I have heard that somewhere before. it totally cracked me up what speakers/khateebs could be capable of doing.Nice Post!

  3. interesting….

  4. this completes me… Ramadan Mubarak, Hajji Kammo (I can still use that right?) 🙂

  5. Ramadhan Mubarak!

  6. haha i missed ure post man 🙂 Lolzz best part the khateeb calls everyone kafirs and that they lack in thier imaan lolz..i can so imagine that

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