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This is called S-A-T-I-R-E… so don’t get all worked up over it

February 15, 2007

kr’s note: Sir J Pi was recently given this article by an anonymous writer. I found it to be hilarious… and since I often take shots at people, I oughta take shots at myself too. Besides, any excuse to take shots at Hisham is a-ok in my books. I added a few more things and tweaked with some of the grammar, but I can’t take credit for the article.

Riaz Denies Doping Allegations, Vows to Hit 2000 in 2007
The Bakwas Times
By Fakhruddin Butt, Times Reporter

CHICAGO, IL (AP)–  Kamran Riaz, famous for his xanga, unrelenting chauvinism, and lifetime records of achievement in the Guinness Book of World Records is in the news again.

For those readers who are unaware, Mr. Riaz is in the Guinness Book of World Records for most proposals in a 1 week period with an incredible 1,807 proposals in Rosemont, IL during the 2006 Labor Day Weekend. Kamran has been beating his record for the past 6 years and is hoping to reach 2000 at the 2007 ISNA Convention. Despite repeated accusations and demonstrations of overt chauvinistic comments, Kamran has somehow maintained a strong following among hijab wearing Muslim women. Many have called him the “Teflon Hafiz” due to the fact that women adore him despite documented evidence of chauvinistic remarks on his Xanga (see Theory of Wife Demotion, School of Domestication, and Why Bonzai Trees Are Like Chicks, among others). While supporters quote his records as proof of his irresistible charm, most objective commentators believe it is due to the predominance of desperate girls attending ISNA annually. In fact the Desperate, Single, and Insecure Women’s Association of America (DeSI) has had to move their annual convention to December after the turnout last September in Colorado was dismal. DeSI’s current president Urrooj Rehman commented “OK even I ditched the DeSI convention and went to ISNA, and I’m the president. All the self-help and motivational conferences we provide for our members cannot match the rush of having a stranger walk up to you and hand you his biodata. It makes me feel like I still got it.”

J Pi (lifetime record holder at 6,451,918 proposals) has been very critical of Kamran’s fame. When asked by Conan O’Brien on The Late Show in November 2006 about hoping to beat Kamran’s 1 week record, Junaid became noticeably upset saying “Let me be very clear, I don’t think I’ll ever beat Kamran’s 1 week record but that’s because his record is worthless. Breaking the 1 week record at ISNA is like breaking the fastest time record for climbing Everest by using a helicopter. Instead of entering the big leagues, he just strokes his ego by staying at ISNA. Put him anywhere else and he’d be lucky to get even one proposal. I mean the guy wore his med school white coat to ISNA last year, need I say more? Personally, I think Hisham’s record at last year’s ISNA was more of an accomplishment and you don’t see Hisham bragging about it.”

Which brings us to Kamran’s latest controversy. Last year, after a bitter and growing rivalry between Kamran Riaz and Hisham Hussain, Hussain accused Kamran of doping with human pheromones during the ISNA weekend to boost the number of girls that went for him. Kamran has vehemently denied the allegations and has agreed to undergo testing before and after ISNA 2007.

In response, Kamran stated: “I just got game man, I don’t need pheromones. Why would I? They bottle my pheromones and sell them to losers like Hisham and Junaid.

“Hisham is a sore-loser, he can say what he wants, I could care less. He’s just trying to take attention off of his record. I OWN ISNA!”

Hisham, who is famous for holding the record for most proposals from males in a 1 week period declined to comment. Hisham has been under his own fair share of scrutiny when in 2004, a group of 15 men wearing scarves and dresses were caught submitting proposals to Hisham. ISNA security became suspicious when they noticed a group of bearded men entering a men’s bathroom and minutes later a throng of bearded women exiting from the same bathroom. In fairness, an investigation failed to prove any connection to Hisham, who maintains they were planted by Kamran to damage his reputation.

“He’s bitter because he doesn’t have the soft ears that drive the larkis wild,” Hisham said. “He needs to use some aloe-vera moisturizer or something instead of making asinine comments about me.”

Many experts believe the next few months will be critical in the two resolving their issues and putting an end to their rivalry.

As for the tension between Kamran and Junaid, don’t expect things to be peachy so soon either. When told about Junaid’s comments on Conan as well as his record, Kamran replied that the numbers are skewed. “What Junaid did was have his fobby cousins propose to him during the 27th night of Ramadan, and counted each of them as 700,000, 700 cause of Ramadan, 1,000 cause of the Night of Power bit. He’s good with math like that.”

Have things gotten so bad between these two men to a point where reconciliation would be impossible? Sources close to both men say that this indeed is the case, as neither Kamran nor Junaid have spoken to each for months. Each man is intent on showing up the other and crossing the coveted 2,000 mark. Time will tell which of these men will suceed.

In closing, this reporter finds it interesting that as they vainly chase these records, none of these three are married… nor does it look like it will change any time soon.

 

 

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22 Comments
  1. hahha bakwas times…dude you crave attention don’t you!?

  2. Anonymous permalink

    the three aren’t married yet… speak for yourself!
    Booyah (sorry ladies)

  3. really, who’s the lucky guy?

  4. Anonymous permalink

    his valentine [see: facebook]
    “lucky” is questionable

  5. lol ahaha just give another speech and youll pass 2000
    props

  6. lol, welcome back KR. Another great parody post.

  7. haha, that was great.  Many people attempt to write some good satire but fail miserably.  (I would be one of them… that’s why I don’t even attempt it, haha)  In my opinion this was done quite well, props to that, and to whoever wrote it.

  8. Wow, a great kr post.  This is just what i was waiting for, good job man you had me crackin up ova here.

  9. oh…..brother! (pun intended)

  10. That last paragraph speaks volumes.

  11. LMAO No SHAME riaz!!! I love it. I’m glad you’ve brought back Mr. Butt.

  12. “… nor does it look like it will change any time soon.”InshaAllah this S-A-T-I-R-E changes this course – although quiet an unorthodox way to do so!

  13. It takes a very secure and mature person to be able to accept another’s satire of himself. Well done, to whoever wrote it, and to you for laughing at yourself

  14. KamKam, you are adorable. But you may have all these single hitters of random women…but only I have a harem of delicious FOBs in loincloths that I picked up at ISNA

  15. Umm… it seems the only crucial statement would be the last one…
    Pretty sad you had to spell out satire for the people.
    hah.  salaamalaikumwarahmatullah.

  16. These are the posts I come to this site for. Hilarious.

  17. loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnngggggggnnnnneeeeeeessssssss

  18. Welcome back KR
    Pheromones? I don’t get it, but the rest of the article is hilarious

  19. Haha, coveted 2000 plateau? My question is who is sitting next to you counting each girl/girl’s parents? I think that guy maybe a bigger loser than you all 🙂

  20. well written. and funny

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