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Bogus Fatwas, Episode I

September 18, 2006

kr’s note #1: Wow, I’m closing in on 100,000 hits… who woulda thought this blog would become somewhat of a cult-phenomenon with a strong and loyal following? I’m honored that so many of you take out a few minutes of your precious time to read (or complain how its too long to read), discuss, and comment on my posts on a variety of topics. May Allah bless each and every person that has ever visited. To comemmorate the approach of the 100k milestone, I’m offering a prize for the 100,000th visitor. To check what visitor you are, scroll down to the bottom of the page and click on “Site Meter” to find out your visit number… each IP address is counted as one visit per day, whereas views are multiple visits from the same computer. Whoever gives me proof of being the 100,000th visitor (basically do a print screen and paste it into Microsoft Word and email me), I’ll give them a prize. I haven’t figured out what it is yet, but it ought to be good.

kr’s note #2: Thus begins a series of posts that will join the list of periodic themed-posts, a series that has been floating around in my mind for nearly a year now as I’ve finally gotten around to posting it. Certainly, these posts have comical value, but there are greater issues underlying such a series. For example, it is meant to sarcastically point out the ridiculosity of how some people, without qualifications to read–let alone interpret–sacred texts, will arrive at conclusions that are convenient for themselves (read: the so-called “progressive Muslims”). It is also meant to point out the danger of people asking for such rulings from those whom they consider learned, but in reality have no training in the classical Islamic sciences. Finally, anyone who takes this series literally as any sort of ruling is a buffoon and I extricate myself from any responsibility associated with such a situation.

Oh, and anyone that wants to give me ideas for more “bogus fatwas” one can come up with using twisted logic, email me them and I’ll work them into future installments.
———-

shaykh al-bayqoofi
Look how hardcore the Shaykh is, engaged in dhikr

shaykh al-bayqoofi2
Another View of the Shaykh (db)
Biography
Shaykh Hazl al-Din al-Bayqufi is a mysterious and elusive mystical scholar that is the last of his order. Hailing from a long line of scholars well versed in the secrets of the Bayqufi tariqah, including his late father, the great Shaykh Al-Ahmaq al-Bayqufi, Shaykh Hazluddin offers his sagely counsel to those seekers who need to be shown the way, just as horses with blinders covering their eyes must be guided towards their destination. It would be impossible to list his merits, the scholars he has studied under, and the number of formal certifications (ijazah) that he possesses in many diverse sacred sciences. Suffice it to say that we are truly blessed to have such an august and revered scholar in our presence who has finally agreed to answer religious questions online and use his saintly wisdom to give legal opinions (fatwas) 

What follows is a transcript of a recently-held online session wherein the Shaykh took questions from various seekers of knowledge and answered them to the best of his ability, counseling them and guiding them to the paths of righteousness.

Mughaffal Khan from California: Yo shaykh man, I have a question about why we have to make wudu all the time? I mean, it’s hard enough to pray 5 times a day, but then I have to find a sink somewhere and make wudu too?

Shaykh al-Bayqufi: All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the Worlds and we send peace and prayer upon the Last Prophet. My dear son, you have asked a very intelligent question that has gladdened my heart. For you see, in my extensive education, I can definitely say that many laws are based on particular causes (mu`allal) and not definite causes. The reason for why we have been commanded to make wudu for every prayer is because of a certain cause (mu`allal)… and when you read a scholar using a term like that, you know he must know what he’s talking about. This command was for the early Arabs, whose occupation of tending animals exposed them constantly to impurities, hence they had to make wudu before prayer. Praise Allah, with today’s technology we have much better standards of hygiene and personal care, and we no longer are around animals and their impurities anymore. So as long as you’re not around camels and horses, you don’t have to make wudu in order to pray. It’s so great that you’re praying in these times, people shouldn’t make it difficult on you by asking you to stick your foot into the sink of a public bathroom.

Fantasia Motorcyclewala from IL: lol, like this whole zakat thing, like, do we still have to give it? I don’t have lots of gold, I only wear platinum chains and I like $500 Prada bags… but this paying zakat thing, rofl, it’s cutting into my shopping money. Please help, thanks! xoxoxoxoxo

Shaykh al-Bayqufi: Well you see, the literal meaning of the word zakat means to purify. In those days, it was hard to clean gold and silver, so people had to purify it by giving it as charity. Today, mashallah, Alhamdulillah, we have many good cleaners of gold, silver and other materials that it is easy to purify and clean such items. You can just use a good gold cleaner to clean your gold jewelry. As for your wealth, go ahead and take advantage of the Hanafi ruling that says you have to own the minimum zakat-limit (nisab) of wealth for a full year, and within that time do you have to pay zakat, but if you happen to lose that wealth and fall under the nisab, then you don’t have to pay it. So what you can do is before the year is up, transfer your above-nisab wealth to a friend, have her hold onto it for a few days, and then give it back to you, and your year would start up again. Thanks for asking, with a name like Fantasia you sound hot… call me!

Qaloo from Michigan: Shaykh, it’s so hard to pray on time. Also, my friends always insist on praying in congregation and I want to pray alone whenever I find the time. Isn’t there a fatwa you can give about that?

Shaykh al-Bayqufi: Mashallah, you have such a beautiful name, “Qaloo”, it’s in the Qur’an. The Prophet said, “The religion is easy (al-deenu yusrun).” And hadith, as you know, that’s important stuff, we have to pay attention to it and follow it. And he would also pray to Allah, “O my Lord, grant ease and not difficulty.” So if the Prophet always sought ease, it means he didn’t seek hardship. So you shouldn’t seek hardship either. If it’s hard for you to pray on time, then seek the easy thing and pray whenever you find the time. And your friends should realize that God knows you’re a Muslim, you don’t need to pray with them to prove to them that you’re a Muslim. In fact, them praying together and showing off to everyone that their Muslims… that’s kibr man, and that’s not good. You should be commended, mashallah, on how modest you are by not showing off.

Lakshman Rao Augustine Feinstein Ahmed from NY: Shaykh, I hate math, and my parents are always telling me to study hard for my math tests that it’s part of being Muslim to do well in everything that one does. They quote this hadith about “Allah has prescribed excellence in all things…”.But like I said, I hate math, and I’m not very good at it either. Isn’t there some ruling you can give me about not having to do math?

Shaykh al-Bayqufi: You should ask your parents, who sound like fundamentalists to me, ask them if the Prophet ever wrote his own name down, let alone do an algebra problem. Moreover, if they want to use hadith, I have another hadith wherein the Prophet said, “We are an unlettered nation, we do not write or calculate. The month is such-and-such or such-and-such;” and he gestured with his hands to indicate that it is sometimes 29 days, and sometimes 30 days. So we don’t need to do no stinkin’ math! And this hadith is in Bukhari and Muslim! Tell your parents to top that!

Mahveen Shaneequa Sheema Patel: This one girl at school, she totally like is hitting on this guy that she KNOWS I like, I’ve liked him forever. She baked him cookies and is writing a philosophy paper for him. That skank! Is there any way that I can beat her up and not get in trouble Islamically?

Shaykh al-Bayqufi: Hmm, you know, most scholars would say that you shouldn’t hit her, this isn’t right. But like you said, she’s after your man, and you have to stand up for your rights to stalk your own man! So what you have to do is remember the first hadith that is found in nearly all the major books of hadith (including Bukhari and Muslim!), which is “Indeed actions are by intentions.” The scholars of language have determined that the “ba” before “niyyah” has many possible grammatical values, such as sababiyyah (causation), ibtida’iyyah (inititation), isti`aanah (a medium used to accomplish something), etc. So if we consider it to be sababiyyah, then the relationship is causation, meaning that your intentions cause your actions. So if you make the intention that you want to make your friend happy by beating the living daylights out of her, then this is how your action will be judged. Happy beatdown!

Sameer Timberlake from Ann Arbor, MI: Yallah ya shaykh. I want to be religious. I am surrounded by promiscuous girls. Is it permissible to speak to beautiful women for the sake of da’wah? Because da’wah was missing something for so long – I’m here to bring sexy back.

Shaykh al-Bayqufi: Dear Sameer Timberlake, I’ll allow it because da`wah is an essential part of Islam, and women, even beautiful supermodels, need da`wah. The Prophet said, “Allah is beautiful and He loves beauty.” So my dear child, you definitely need to bring sexy back, make sacrifices, and preach to beautiful women everywhere. This deen needs more Angelina Jolie-types, so if you can increase the quality and quantity of beauty in the Ummah, by God, you’ve done a marvelous thing indeed. I know that it is difficult to do this, but you must do this and convert as many supermodels as you possibly can.

John Ibn Cena from St. Louis: Is it ever possible to go on a date with a girl? I mean, all these extremists say you can’t, but there’s got to be some way?

Shaykh al-Bayqufi: These extremists don’t have any knowledge, especially when compared to mine. There is a hadith from Tirmidhi, well known by many but misunderstood, that states: “Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan is the third among them.” So one can reason that the whole problem with dating isn’t that it’s haram, per se, but rather it’s the presence of Satan that makes it impermissible. But, fear not my child, for there is good news with the month of Ramadan coming up. As you know, the devils are chained up during this month: you don’t have to worry about his presence, so during the month of Ramadan—and only for this month—you may freely date and enjoy this great blessing. Praise be to Allah for making this such a blessed month.

Fakhruddin Butt: Dear Shaykh, I asked the following question to Shaykh Faraz Rabbani of SunniPath but I didn’t like his answer. Please share your wisdom on the following question: Girls in MSA are so stupid. Can we kill them?

Shaykh al-Bayqufi: My son, you have asked perhaps the most important and intelligent question of all. There is a saying of Prophet Isa wherein he said that God gave him the ability to heal the blind, cure the lame and leper, and restore life to the dead man; but he was not given the ability to cure stupidity. The Arabs have a proverb that states one can hope to cure every malady except for stupidity. So my son, for these stupid MSA girls, there is no cure. And if there is no cure, then you must do what needs to be done, and show compassion by putting them out of their misery. God will reward you, go in peace.




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29 Comments
  1. i am wondering who the first person will be, who will think this is real, and will set out to verbally (well..in typing) scold you for being a baaaaad guy.

  2. Anonymous permalink

    Salaams,Shaykh alBaqwaas says that killing MSA boys may be permissable as well in some cases, according to a weak invalid uncogent nonexistant hadith.

  3. Oh God! I was LMAO after reading this post. Especially the last 3 (Brothers Timberlake, John Cena, and ofcourse our very active scholar Fakhruddin Butt). This is absolutely hilarious, and in my opinion, should be sent to next years ISNA convention, if it can’t make it to the oscars! TOP CLASS creativity and humor my man!

  4. Anonymous permalink

    this was kind of stupid…i would expect something better from you…but ill still give you 2 eprops cause if i dont then the next time i see you or hear from you it’ll be about how i never prop you…oh and this was too long as well…nigger-ul-haq

  5. Anonymous permalink

    Wow, a prize to the 100,000th visitor? You’re a freak you know that? 
    Thanks for bringing back the funny stuff, it was truly missed. But LT’s comment was better than the post, hahahah….

  6. The name of the scholar al Bayqufi was better than his fatwas.

  7. “Shaykh al-Bayqufi: Mashallah, you have such a beautiful name, “Qaloo”, it’s in the Qur’an.”  lol!!

  8. i agree w/ kwkkz
    my brother would be sooo overjoyed to hear the answer to Lakshman Rao Augustine Feinstein Ahmed’s question
    .. yeah i liked that name too haha
     

  9. umm…not funny and too long…c’mon dogg…i expected more…perhaps i’ll have to give you some ideas…and 2 eprops for Alti’s comment, not the post…

  10. Wow. Terrible. These two are for Altistan.

  11. stop trying so hard.
    these props are for me.

  12. Wow, tough crowd. I liked the Ramadan one especially, pretty clever
    Hazl al-Din… hehe, “Joke of the Deen” and he’s also a bayqoof?

  13. Hehehe, I just walked into work and was feeling bummed out…. and reading this was a good start for today, InshAllah
    While I think you’ve had funnier posts before, I don’t agree with the comments above. I think it’s too hater-ish, because what I got from the post was you made clever parodies about things amongst Muslims today:
    1. People pretending to be religious and passing themselves off as scholars… hence Sheikh al-Bayqufi making dhikr yet hitting on “Fantasia”. And the whole history of him was a rip on people who write up biographies for themselves that overinflate what they are
    2. People using Islamic legal terminology in order to look like they know what they’re talking about… the cause/relative cause bit, lol, “mu`allal”
    3. The whole concept of the Muslim online fatwa… basically, that it’s a dangerous thing in most cases
    4. People go on “fatwa-shopping”, looking for fatwas until they find one they like… example of the guy who didnt like the infamous “can we kill girls” question on sunnipath and now asks Sheikh al-Bayqufi.
    5. Misc. Muslim “stupidities”… like naming your kids with Quranic words and not knowing what they are; Muslim girls’ rivalries over guys; resentment towards parents from children because the parents want them to succeed academically but the kid doesnt want to work hard so he looks for an Islamic excuse; Muslim guys acting like players (“Timberlake”… rofl, referring to the n’sync dude, right?).
    6. Finally, the danger of giving a fatwa… and how you can mislead people… and if it’s online, how whole groups of people can be misled. Sends a shiver down my spine, as it reminds me of the hadith about a sign of the end of time when people will take ignorant people as scholars, who will ‘be misled and lead others astray’… perfectly captured in this fictional Shaykh.
    All in all, this post was not THAT funny, but it was intelligent as far as parodies go.
    3.

  14. “Wow, I’m closing in on 100,000 hits…”

    quit bragging

  15. Unbelievable, what are you doing sitting on your stairs in a Moroccan Thobe?More importantly, how much did you bribe/blackmail rehan to take that picture=)

  16. clever and funny stuff…as usual….
    that Baa stuff was cool…

  17. Anonymous permalink

    haha jazak’Allah khair to Falooda, Saqib, and Shuttari for the props…bless you my children…bless you…nigger-ul-haq

  18. lol…its like another br. nazim…lol..

    “so during the month of Ramadan—and only for this month—you may freely date and enjoy this great blessing. Praise be to Allah for making this such a blessed month.”

    hahaha

  19. Masha’Allah brother, you have a very talented style of writing that can be used in many useful ways.
    “If thou dost question them, they declare (with emphasis): “We were only talking idly and in play.” Say: “Was it at Allah, and His Signs, and His Messenger, that ye were mocking?” (9:65).
    Please be careful Ya Shaykh. Props to the nigger of truth.
    Asalaamu alaikum

  20. ^^^ I agree a bit with that.  Ameen to the dua. I write and read long posts, but this was WAY too long even for me. The name of the late father “Shaykh Al-Ahmaq al-Bayqufi” But did you intentionally chose ‘bayqufi’…or did you mean ‘baywaqufi’?

  21. hey arent those pics pictures of you? lol

  22. i could tell by your beard.

  23. HeartDoctor: while I appreciate your concerns, note that I was not mocking at the actual verses/hadith (which is what the hypocrites of Madinah and Jews of Madinah did–with the whole raa`ina bit, for example–and what the ayah refers to)… but rather used an overexaggerated satire to point out how unfortunately today, many Muslims use such texts and use twisted logic to come up with ridiculous ideas… such as the modern Muslim assertion that hijab isn’t fard, etc. Satire has a place in the Muslim tradition, as our scholars understood that the message often needs various mediums in order to be understood. Hence we have works like the Maqamat of Hariri, which is a parody (onion.com style) of the classical Muslim world, written in classical Muslim times… a book that became so famous that it continues to be studied in madrasas today and is used to teach balaghah (rhetoric) to students of sacred knowledge. The Maqamat is over the top at times too, and there are places where one will think, “whoa, he wrote this??”… but it shows how sophisticated and cosmopolitan those people were, and what kind of geniuses they were to take advantage of every possible medium in order to convey their message.

  24. I updated; and its about the Chicago Bears!

  25. Anonymous permalink

    I dunno Kamran… While I am glad you’re writing less serious stuff again since I really missed your satirical posts, and it was funny here and there, and I do see your point about why you wrote it, I don’t think I was the only one who felt a tad bit uneasy while reading this. I know that it seems ridiculous that someone might take any of this seriously, but many of the ayahs/hadith you quoted (such as the one about the deen being easy) could be misinterpreted by someone who isn’t as knowledgable as you are since you haven’t included what the actual meaning of the given ayah/hadith is. Maybe you should include those at the end of the bogus fatwas? I think it would help people see the huge difference between a correct interpretation versus a progressive/liberal one and make them realize how progressive “scholars” can twist things around like crazy. Just a suggestion.
    Also, while it may make people realize that there are certain self-proclaimed “scholars” out there that we should avoid seeking advice from, but is this really the best way to convey that same message to people who DO go to such scholars for help regarding religious matters? I think any “progressive Muslim” reading this would find it a bit insulting and it would only push him farther away. As much as I’ve missed the satire, I think this is one post that would’ve been much more effective if it had been written seriously. Indeed seeking knowledge from the wrong sources is an extremely dangerous thing, so in my personal opinion, since this Xanga is read by hundreds (maybe thousands — that oughta make you happy) of people, many of whom could very well be “progressive”, I think you should write a serious post about this issue that will educate people rather than offend them. Just an idea.
    Forgive me if I offended you at all. As you know, I’m a long time fan so this wasn’t meant to put down or criticize your post. I’ve been trying to leave nicer comments lately 🙂 

  26. How come he has so many ijaza (too numerous to mention), but he interprets progressively?also, I agree with the above post about posting the correct interpretations.only 1 eprop because now whenever I read “Qaloo” in the Quran, I think of this xanga.Atif

  27. you should offer to pray for 100,000 visitor, or some sort of ramadan gustatory treat…yeah, fun stuff above. I have a question for Shaikh Bayqufi: is it permissible for women to marry more than one man? i need a fatwa

  28. looks like more than a 1000 words…

  29. Alhumdulilha

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