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The Jah-Hajj Experience 2006

August 27, 2006

kr”s note: since no one seemed to be reading my serious posts and I haven’t done one of these in a long while… plus I’ve been good for too long… note that this comes in the wake of a conversation I had at a wedding tonight with one Tabraiz Mohammed and his friend… here goes….

*sound effects and eerie music as kr156 transforms to a bad guy once again*

The KR Foundation for Human Progress Presents

In Association with Fakhruddin Butt Enterprises, Naseeb.com, and the NFL

The Jah-Hajj Experience 2006

kabba

las vegas 1

Tired of the same old Hajj year after year?

The Jah-Hajj Experience is an innovative and unique opportunity for Muslims who wish to combine the best of both worlds, the material and the spiritual, into a memorable journey of the body, mind, and soul. This once-in-a-lifetime excursion combines all the depravity of the dunya with the mystical enlightenment of the akhirah into one conveniently packaged program. Participants in the program are guaranteed they will certainly feel like a new person after they have returned.

What is Jah-Hajj?

“Jah-Hajj” is the visionary term given for the idea that traditional Hajj journeys have only focused on the spiritual, whereas the well-being of a person depends on balancing the various spheres of life. Thus, it is almost somewhat vital to ensure sustenance for the pleasure and prayer centers of the brain at various points in one’s life. With this in mind, “Jah-Hajj” is the ideal in that both the body and the soul must be nourished. Whereas for generations, people have only been nourishing the spirit, we wish to combine these unique lifetime enterprises into one.

The second part of the term, the “Hajj” aspect, is one that most Muslims are probably familiar with: a pilgrimage made to Makkah following the footsteps of Muslims for generations to visit the Holy Lands, perform sacred rituals, and return as a sinless believer.

It is the first part of the term, the “Jah” aspect, that is innovative as it is essentially the total opposite and antithesis of the Hajj. Simply put, it is hajj backwards: whereas Hajj focuses on spiritual rewards and is an indulgence for the soul, the Jah focuses strictly on physical pleasures and is an indulgence of debauchery, intemperance, lechery, indulgence, depravity, lewdness, lasciviousness, and madness.

Basically, we’re going to get crunk and go wild for two weeks and then go for Hajj.

Wait a minute, isn’t that like… wrong and haram?

Such technicalities such as “halal” and “haram” are best left for legal scholars and jurists to determine and is not our place to comment about such matters. As our patron scholar, Shaykh Tabraiz Mohammed (db) often says, “Sometimes you have to let go in order to receive more.” Whatever that means. But the bigger issue is if one is going to go to Hajj to ask for forgiveness, make sure you have stuff to get forgiven. What’s the point of just going there to get a few minor sins absolved that you could’ve just made wudu at home and gotten forgiven. I mean, you’re spending a lot of time, money, and effort to go for Hajj. Hajj is the major leagues son, make sure you got the sins to back it up. We’re here to help.

I still don’t feel comfortable about this…

Our staff guarantees that you will be served 100% Zabihah Halal meat during the Jah-Hajj experience. We can even show you the animals that will be branded with the “Zabihah Halal Jah-Hajj Experience 2006” mark to ensure absolute zabiha-ness. We know that you are putting your faith in us, and will do everything to safeguard that trust. Oh, and we’ll do a couple of prayers every now and then.

Oh okay, thanks for reassuring me. Who qualifies for the Jah-Hajj Experience 2006?

Any male or female (we don’t discriminate like some of those fundamentalist organizations do) between the ages of 18-30 who’s looking for a good time, is even moderately good looking, has lots of money, is open-minded, and wants to go to Las Vegas and Makkah on the same vacation.

How will I be able to make the most out of my Jah-Hajj Experience?

Our experienced and friendly staff will guide you throughout the journey, showing you the hottest nightclubs in Vegas as well as the best spots to stand at Jamrat. In addition, we will throw some of the wildest parties in Las Vegas in and around the city every night during our two week stay for you to meet other party-loving individuals (read: floosies). We will also have several scholars of pimpology and fiqh to serve as both material and spiritual advisors to all our participants. Throughout the journey, we will conduct guided tours to some of the local sites of attraction in air-conditioned buses. We have also made arrangements with local vendors in both Las Vegas and Saudi Arabia for shopping and other diversionary purposes.

What does the itinerary and vacation package look like?

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Jah-Phase

  • Round trip airfare from your city of origin to Las Vegas, Nevada, leaving on December 2 and returning on December 16th, 2006.
  • Accomodation in Las Vegas at the Bellagio (the hotel from Ocean’s Eleven) for 13 nights, plenty of time for you to do your thing.
  • Nightly Cirque de Soleil Shows
  • Tony n’ Tina’s Wedding Show
  • $250 complimentary gambling chips
  • Complimentary Las Vegas Power Pass: Power Pass
    provides entry to all the best attractions Las Vegas has to offer, a
    combined value of over $250 in admission fees
  • Complimentary Vegas Passport: VIP Nightclub Access –  Vegas-Passport is your
    ticket to VIP access in Las Vegas and contains access passes to over 22
    of Vegas’ hottest nightclubs. Enjoy VIP admission and front-of-the-line
    access!
  • Complimentary Las Vegas Wedding Packages (for those of you looking for the “halal” way): Thinking of getting married in Las Vegas? A Story Book Wedding Chapel
    has been a part of the Las Vegas Strip for over 50 years and is one of
    the most prominent wedding chapels in Las Vegas. Let the professional
    staff at A Story Book Wedding Chapel help you plan your perfect day!
  • Our resident scholars will accompany the group throughout, pointing out places of interest and narrating historical significances of various sites… when they’re not partying.
  • And of course, a guarantee from our staff that “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” No guarantee about those two angels on your shoulders though.

Hajj-Phase


  • Round trip airfare from New York, Chicago, Houston or Washington
    to Madinah/Jeddah.
  • Accommodation
    in Madinah at Al-Haram Hotel (5 stars) facing Haram,
    4 persons per room (4ā€“ 7 Dhul Hijjah).
  • Transportation
    by air-conditioned bus to Makkah en route to Mina
    on 7 Dhul Hijjah.

  • Accommodations in Makkah at Grand Saraya (5 stars),
    4 persons per room (8ā€“13 DH).
  • Breakfast
    and dinner (open buffet) will be served at both hotels
    in Makkah and Madinah.
  • Accommodation
    at Mina in air-conditioned VIP camp next to Jamarat.
    Beverages and meals will be served.
  • Accommodation
    at Arafat in an upgraded camp. Food and Beverages will
    be served.
  • During
    Manasek you will have access to the Grand Saraya Hotel
    and will continue to have breakfast and dinner served
    at the hotel.
  • All
    transportation will be in deluxe air-conditioned
    buses.
  • A scholar will accompany the group.
  • A one-day visit
    to sites in Madinah such as Mount Uhud, Masjid al-Quba, Masjid al-Qiblatayn, Madinah Dates Market, and other various historical places of significance
  • Hajj
    visa.
  • Tentative
    USA departure: December 17, 2006.
  • Tentative
    Saudi departure: January 4, 2007.
  • Free
    Ihram, umbrella, manasek bag, and zam zam container will be provided in Saudi Arabia.

How much does this unique experience cost?

Considering all of the amenities listed above, as well as the support and experience of our staff, the Jah-Hajj Experience is modestly priced at $7500 per person. Students and extremely good looking females receive an additional 10% discount. Supermodels are accepted free of cost.

For those with financial difficulties, a scholarship fund has been established. Applications for grants and financial assistance must be received by November 1st, 2006. Please contact us for further details.

We urge anyone interested to sign up. No one will be turned away due to insufficient funds.

How do I sign up? Where can I get more information?

All applicants must have and/or complete the following:

  • a valid US Passport
  • Hajj Visa forms
  • Pictures of yourself
  • Vaccinations: basically for anything and everything under the sun…
  • The Jah-Hajj Experience 2006 Application form, available here for download
  • A sincere passion for getting crunk and going to Hajj to make up for it

For any questions or for more information, please contact us here

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24 Comments
  1. All I have to say is two words: “yes, please!”By the way, does the free offer apply to male supermodels like myself?-Mohd

  2. Anonymous permalink

    hilarious…

  3. awesome stuff yo….how much will I be charged if I join you guys for only the first phase?… šŸ™‚ I’ll take care of the one night ‘in sickness and in health, in poverty and in richess, for better or for worse…and forsaking all others I will keep unto you…’ wedding stuff
    smart comment>>>>No guarantee about those two angels on your shoulders though

  4. We need to make shirts about the ISNA lobby, “What happens in the Lobby, Stays in the Lobby”

  5. Students and extremely good looking females receive an additional 10% discount. Supermodels are accepted free of cost.^LOL

  6. I should be going for free as well. This trip needs a doctor to heal all the ummm…unique diseases that one may pick up in vegas, as well as heal the emotional wounds of this trip…

  7. I can comment again… yay!

  8. StarCraft Expansion Pack: Brood War? Its a good game but how old is that? I suggest Rise of Nations: Rise of Legends.

  9. The post was great, but doesn’t compare to the real conversation. That was priceless.

  10. Lol, this is pure genius, and I think there’s even a point to all this: how many Muslims these days delay Hajj till later in life, wanting to have all their “fun” now and will do all that “religious stuff” later.
    ROFL, application form with essays! That was a great touch at the end.
    Where’d you get all the information about Vegas KR? Sounds like a veteran speaking from experience… are you hiding something
    Jk, the best line was: “Basically, we’re going to get crunk and go wild for two weeks and then go for Hajj.”

  11. HAHAHA, “KR Foundation for Human Progress”….

  12. Count me in.
    P.S. Starcraft still rocks.

  13. Who are the scholars that will be accompanything this trip? I want to make sure they’re well qualified. In fact, I’d like to be one of them. Where’s the application for that?

  14. Anonymous permalink

    hmmm so on the application where you ask for 5 pictures to prove that the person is ridiculously good looking…guess that exempts you from the trip hmmm?
    this post was okay…i did not “love” it as you said i would in the txt telling me to read this…once again it was too damn long…
    and next time you use Fakhruddin Butt or the N.F.L.’s name without my written consent im gonna flog your behind…
    nigger-ul-haq

  15. Welcome back, badguy KR. What a fitting return . Hilarious and insightful on all levels.

  16. brilliant. i’m so there

  17. Anonymous permalink

    haha amazing…very unique

  18. best part:
    What’s the point of just going there to get a few minor sins absolved that you could’ve just made wudu at home and gotten forgiven. I mean, you’re spending a lot of time, money, and effort to go for Hajj. Hajj is the major leagues son, make sure you got the sins to back it up. We’re here to help.
    haha!

  19. lol, in complete agreement with sadiq’s highlight

  20. tonymontana00: hahaha, good point. what i did was go onto orbitz and plan a las vegas vacation, and that’s the package they offered me =)

  21. Anonymous permalink

    Astaghfirullah. I am in complete shock after reading this disgusting, depraved idea of a “joke.” How can you combine something as beautiful and virtuous as Hajj with the absolute worst acts of the kuffar and find it humorous? And anyone with a moral conscience wouldn’t want to do any of that stuff in Vegas even if they really did have the chance to wash all the sins away immediately thereafter. I must say I’m extremely disappointed, especially because you give khutbahs and people look up to you.
    šŸ™‚ Ok I was just surprised no one had left a comment like that yet, and no satirical post of yours is complete without such a comment and long string of arguments to follow, so I thought I’d help you out. Funny post. Rooji, I love your comment.

  22. oh so horribly fantastic..
    “Our staff guarantees that you will be served 100% Zabihah Halal meat during the Jah-Hajj experience.”i think that sums us up.. great post.. i made it back just in time for the return of the ‘bad kr’

  23. Excellent………….

  24. Dang I got all excited coz I qualify for the discounts (ridiculously good student who is also ridiculously good looking). Then I read the bit where you hafta have a US of A passport.:P!!! You mean I spent all that money on professional photo sessions for nothing???*LOL*

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