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Anyone Can Give Fatwahs These Days

May 8, 2006

Taken from the website of one Asma Gul Hasan (yes, the same Hasan from Muslimsforbush.com), the Shaykhat al-Zaman (the shaykhah of the age) who wrote some book or the other.

Apparently she and the “aunties” (I’m having visions of fat desi aunties in shalwar kameez sitting around a table drinking tea while asking a little kid how to type on the computer) have a section on their site wherein they answer questions and issue, well, fatwahs on various issues. Who woulda known that not only do they have time to make millions through HMOs, support Bush, and publish sophomoric books, but they give out fatwahs too! Wow, is there anything they can’t do?

Reference link here

As usual, my comments are in italics. I’ve rendered in bold what I found specifically fascinating:

—————————————————

Sameera asks, “My brother is in love with a Hindu girl. Trouble is that my parents are against it (yep, that’s always trouble… how dare those parents be against it?). To make matters worse she refuses to convert to Islam. What should he do?”

From Aunty Seeme (the older, more traditional aunty) (older traditional aunty who runs in the literati and elite circles of America, rubbing elbows with CEOs and billionaires, and of course, one George W. Bush… that’s what traditional aunties are doing these days?):
Dear Sameera,
Unfortunately, because of prejudice, culture, and history, your brother’s love of a Hindu woman is almost as bad as a death in the family (but not as bad as not raising $100,000 for the Bush campaign…). For South Asian Muslims, who lived through the partition of India, and witnessed Hindus with swords chopping off the heads of Muslims (wow, so in the 1940’s, people were still using swords?), they can never agree to or understand a marriage with a Hindu woman. (The same is also true for Hindus, who witnessed similar atrocities committed by Muslims.) It would be like asking the parents of a Jewish man to accept the daughter of Nazis in marriage (sounds like a Fox reality show to me…).

WHAT CAN YOU DO? (well, you already did the right thing by “asking the aunties”)

First, ask your brother: does he really want to put his parents through this torture?

Second, explain to him that it may not bother him now, but, when his children start practicing Hinduism, or eating pork (wow guys, I learnt today, thanks to Seeme Aunty, that Hindus, while they don’t eat cows will eat pork…), it will be hard on him. They will be raised differently than him. No matter how modern he thinks he is, all desi and many Muslim men become conservative as soon as they have chidren and/or growing older (I love statements wherein people use “all” and “never”, don’t you… ALL desi men… haha, I wish… tell that to all the 50 year old desi Muslim men who have midlife crises and decide to do what any American guy does: have an affair). IMRAN KHAN, the famous cricket player of Pakistan, is a good example. In the last few years, he became so conservative that he recently divorced his young and beautiful (uhhh, he’s such a baller that he coulda done so much better) convert wife JEMIMA, even though she did not want to divorce.

Third, explain to your brother that he will live without the community’s support. He will be shunned by them (and probably by his wife’s Hindu community as well), and no one will want to meet him or socialize with him (or come to birthday parties or barbecues or your children’s little league games, either…). It’s not right , but people (damn those extremist conservative Muslims! how dare they!) will say that, if we meet him, we are showing our children it is OKAY to marry a Hindu. Unfortunately, many Muslims are not yet progressive enough to understand and explain interfaith marriages to their children (but beti, we are progressive enough to understand that it’s OK, mashallah). Most communities struggle with this matter — not just Muslims. He may find that life long friends have abandoned him out of the blue once he marries her. If he is ready to take this stand, then he can do it, but most people cannot handle the alienation they will face from their choice.

Finally, if this woman REALLY LOVED your brother, SHE WOULD CONVERT (yeah, you tell em Seeme Aunty! Even if she doesn’t believe, she should convert against her will… let’s just ignore the “no compulsion in religion” verse… Don’t you just hate it when those pesky ayahs get in the way of what you want to do?). The fact that she won’t convert means there are serious issues with her parents too. Such weddings always end in divorce (“all”, “always”, “never”… I love extremes and so does Seeme Aunty). So if he still decides to marry, tell him to hire A GOOD ATTORNEY to draft a solid Pre-Nuptial Agreement or Marriage Contract (do you happen to know of any good ones, Seeme Aunty??) that specifies what is to happen in the event of the divorce, including what religion (and what religion should that be, Seeme Aunty?) the children should be raised in.

——————————–

Kazim, I wonder if we can get Seeme Aunty to give us the “dating is halal” fatwah we’ve been trying to get for years now.

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30 Comments
  1. Finally, if this woman REALLY LOVED your brother, SHE WOULD CONVERT (yeah, you tell em Seeme Aunty! Even if she doesn’t believe, she should convert against her will… let’s just ignore the “no compulsion in religion” verse… Don’t you just hate it when those pesky ayahs get in the way of what you want to do?).
    Hahahahaahahaha.

  2. dang i thought no one else was up! but alas, i get to be the first commenter. Did you know that in Time or Newsweek (i forgot which one), of Asma Gul Hasan’s … mentors made the top 100 most influential people list?!?! i was floored. anyhoo, props for the quality posts as of late.

  3. darn it! i was too slow!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Anonymous permalink

    man I actually met asma gul many years ago .. so when these progressives tell me I”m too conservative and/or know nothing about their movement, I’m always like .. “hey buddy .. 1) I’ve met your messiah. yah, she’s smarter than her steven spielberg wanna-be brother, which doesn’t say a whole lot about her. 2) she laughs like Maggie Wheeler .. aka .. Janice.”

  5. ^hahahah vaseemy. Poor loser.Islam is a joke to these people. “Preservation of our religion” rings in their ears as “refusing to let go of the baggage.”

  6. WHAT CAN YOU DO? (well, you already did the right thing by “asking the aunties”)
    ROFL. Good stuff KR, it had been some time since you had done one of these (December 2004 being the last one… I’m not a stalker, I swear).

  7. So if he still decides to marry, tell him to hire A GOOD ATTORNEY to draft a solid Pre-Nuptial Agreement or Marriage ContractHAHAHAHA!

  8. too funny…yet sad. wat is wrong with people

  9. salaam alaikum wr wb
    re: clip in below post: even though that lady’s a kafira, she’s mostly right, even in the quran Allah says he wont destroy a people unless they were wrongdoers.

  10. If you aint no chump holla we want pre-nup …*we want pre-nup* yeaaahhh…its nothing that you need to have….. cuz if she leave yo ____ she gonna leave with half.

  11. Anonymous permalink

    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ hahahaha….
    kanye…
    good post…altho u didnt really write it…
    nigger-ul-haq

  12. IMRAN KHAN, the famous cricket player of Pakistan, is a good example. In the last few years, he became so conservative that he recently divorced his young and beautiful convert wife JEMIMA, even though she did not want to divorce.Why is Imran’s divorce of his wife considered conservative? Is it because Asma Hasan and her crony aunties consider themselves liberal? And why are Imran Khan and his wife Jemima’s names in all caps? Doesn’t she realize that using all caps on the web is like shouting?So many questions . . .

  13. I wonder if Seeme aunty makes good biryani. She seems likes she does.and Allah knows best.

  14. hahahaha, at some of the comments…. I’m suppose to be studying right now, and instead I spent the time reading your post : /

  15. Assalamualaikum….
    good commentary…
    ” or eating pork (wow guys, I learnt today, thanks to Seeme Aunty, that Hindus, while they don’t eat cows will eat pork…)”
    haha….nice…
    Allah Hafiz
    Wasalaam

  16. ummm..correction to maulanamuscles… it’s SOMETHING that you need to have

  17. When people need a surgery or medical advice, they don’t go to Dr. Nick (from the Simpsons), the cheapest, most illiterate guy around.
    When they need advice for the soul, everyone’s a doctor =)

  18. KR…don’t give fools like this any publicity.  Only gives the forum that they’re dying for. 

  19. What do these people smoke? I want some… it must be realll good.

  20. What tehse Aunties need to do is go on jamat to straighten them out, lol.

  21. Anonymous permalink

    Dating is not halal?? Crap…

  22. Anonymous permalink

    dude.. dating is halaal as long as its for dawaah purposes.. Geez.. All you chicago people are out of it!

  23. Anonymous permalink

    ROFLMAO… you’re too cool.Fi aman Allah

  24. hah, wow.  how humorously sad.  may Allah (swt) guide them on the straight path.  funny post.  good movie too.

  25. crap…now me and abdul sattar have to break up.

  26. crap…now me and abdul sattar have to break up.why didnt anyone tell me dating is haram?

  27. Anonymous permalink

    Uhh…..Although funny at first, in the end this is just so depressing.

  28. puAhhHaha.
    i love aunties drink chai in shalwar kameez. thanks for the spelling..i always wondered how to prounounce shalwar kameez, i use to say shawarkamy.

  29. Cocaine is a hell of a drug…

  30. This is not a parody or something? ROFL.

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