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Local Idiot Sets New World Record

December 17, 2005

(kr’s note: updated the Table of Contents earlier today.)

CHICAGO – Where there is a will, there is a way.

Never have these words rang truer.

The Sheesh Mahal Dhaaba Book of World Records confirmed today that
local idiot, Hisham Hussain of Barrington, IL, has set a new world
record for the longest sajdah ever by remaining in sajdah for an
unprecedent 13 hrs, 46 minutes, and 39 seconds. In a press conference
held earlier today, the organization’s spokesman, Shaykh Kandalswamy
confirmed and verified the authenticity of the record. The
organization’s bylaws state, among other conditions, that at least
three witnesses must be present to verify any feat, and this condition
was met for Mr. Hussain’s sajdah.

There were some doubt from certain parties as to whether or not Mr.
Hussain had indeed set the world record due to his reputation as not
only a local idiot, but a generally unreligious guy. The press
conference was interrupted halfway through by Joel Lowenstein-Khan,
leader of the opposition party to Mr. Hussain’s world record, who cited
the picture below as proof of his group’s doubt that such a record had
been fabrciated. Mr. Lowenstein-Khan remarked, “I mean, look at this
guy, he’s wearing turquoise shirts to Jumu’ah. You want us to believe
that he did a 13 hr sajdah?”


Mr. Lowestein-Khan’s picture of Hisham.

After security whisked away Mr. Lowenstein-Khan, Hisham Hussain took
the podium and addressed the three reporters gathered. “First of all,
it was 13 hours, 46 minutes, and 39 seconds, you jerk, get it right.
Anyway, thank you one and all for attending this joyous occasion. I’m
happy to announce that I’m officially a religious guy, so all you
single women looking for a religious husband need to ask yourself if
any other guy out there is as hardcore as me to have done such a long
sajdah?”

When asked by a reporter what motivated him to attempt such a long
sajdah, Mr. Hussain explained the background for his world record feat.

“I was the masjid for Zuhr and the Imam after prayer said a short bit
about the importance of praying and how virtuous the sajdah is. I
figured to myself, ‘Hey, this is a great chance for me to show people
how religious I am’, and I immediately launched myself into sajdah.
When I first started off, I said the tasbeeh a few times, and then
after that, I didn’t know what to do, so I started to go over the
Chicago Bears’ starting lineup, the possible playoff scenarios, and
whether Rex Grossman or Kyle Orton should be the quarterback in my head
for a while.


A bleary eyed and tired Hisham Hussain speaks to reporters at the
Sheesh Mahal Dhaaba press conference to confirm his world record.

“After about an hour, I started to feel
dizzy since all the blood was flowing to my brain, but I knew that I
had to press on, no matter what happened, and try to eclipse Singh’s
record.”

He was referring to the previous world record of 10 hrs, 13 minutes,
and 46 seconds set in 1989 by Jahangir Singh of Glasgow, Scotland. Mr.
Singh’s sajdah record was regarded as illegitimate amongst many in the
faux-religious community of endurance sajdah enthusiasts since he
hadn’t planned to do such a long sajdah; instead, he threw out his back
as he went into sajdah and was unable to get up until medical help
arrived ten hours later.

One of the reporters asked Mr. Hussain if he ever felt the need to get
up to use the bathroom or anything, to which he replied, “Well yeah,
that was the tough part because, you see, I had drank a large 32 oz
protein shake for suhoor–you see ladies, I’m trying to get huge cause
I mashallah work out everyday–and about 2 hrs into the sajdah, I
really had to go. But I found energy from deep within and I knew I had
to press on for the glory. Heck, like some of these fools in the masjid
tried to get me to stop the sajdah when it came time for Asr, Maghrib,
and Isha, but I said to myself, ‘Hell no, I’m doing something more
important here, I don’t have time to stop for something as trivial and
common as prayer.'”

Masjid officials confirmed that many of the attendees tried to get Mr.
Hussain to come for prayer by speaking to him and tapping him to no
avail. Shaykh Kandalswamy commented, “Mashallah, Br. Hisham even
endured the caning of a tableeghi jamaat uncle who was trying to get
him to go for prayer but he continued on with his world-record sajdah.
Mashallah, what ikhlas (sincerity)!”

After about 6 hours had passed, a small crowd of supporters assembled
around the prostrated Mr. Hussain, chanting words of encouragement and
appreciation. Fans held up signs saying “You can do it…. all night
long!”, “Thank you for not wearing low-cut Gap jeans that reveal your
crack” and “Will you marry me, Hisham?”. Mr. Hussain recalled fondly
that two people were commenting about how hardcore and religious he
must be to be in sajdah for so long. “When I heard them praising me, I
was so happy, but they were missing the bigger point, so I said to
them, ‘I know guys, but guess what? I’m also fasting, Mashallah.'”

When asked why he finally stopped after thirteen hours, Hussain repled,
“Well, it was getting to be time for the 1 am SportsCenter, and then I
usually mack online afterwards, so I figured this would be a good place
to stop.”

As the conference concluded, one of the reporters asked what Mr.
Hussain what he would do now after accomplishing the world record. He
replied that he would relax for a few days and then begin training to
beat his own world record. When asked how he planned to train for such
an endurance-sajdah, Hussain replied, “Well, it’s all about stamina, so
what I’ll do is stop praying for a few days, you know, just to make
sure I’m well rested, find a nice masjid that a lot of
people–especially single girls attend–and then attempt to break my
own record.”

Mr. Hussain ended with a final message to the kids: “For all you kids
out there, just remember, if you believe, you can achieve. Where there
is a will, there is a way. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do
endurance sajdahs like me. Only in America!”

Currently Reading: Kitab Asrar al-Hajj (Book on the Secrets of the Pilgrimage) from Ihya `Ulum al-Din by Hujjat al-Islam Imam Abu Hamid al-Ghazali (may God have mercy on him)
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33 Comments
  1. This, by far is the best comedic post you’ve written. And you captured the nuances of Hisham perfectly. This is a total Hisham line: “First of all, it was 13 hours, 46 minutes, and 39 seconds, you jerk, get it right.”

  2. brilliant. and yes, as kazim said, especially that line.

  3. Shaikh Kandalswami, Joel Lowenstein-Khan, and Jahangir Singh… lol, how do you come up with these names?
    This was hilarious. And insightful on a lot of issues.
    Too bad you had to rip on your friend Hisham to accomplish it :). Hopefully he doesn’t freak out too much…

  4. Assalam-U-Alaikum…
    MashahAllah, brother kr….wow…ahahah…that was funny….you definately deserve a chocolate made box of chocolate for writing this…..
    Allah Hafiz
    Wasalaam

  5. Anonymous permalink

    Are you sure he set the Guiness Book of World Record of remaining in sajdah for the longest time ever? For all we know, he could have been sleeping, lol.
    …and the ripping on H2 continues…a reminder to all xangans that kr truly is the bad guy…
    – – –
    On the post you last commented on, I edited in a link of hadiths on the beauty of the prophet. It reiterates a bit of what you said, and totally worth the look into.

  6. “Never have these words rang truer.” HAHAHA!this post truely describes hisham…lol! thats why he would never be at uic for iftaars during ramadan. he would run back home to make the longest sajdah’s and impress the single hijaabis…hehe! … and this is the condition and status of our MSA president … hillarious post kamran! Hope the Haraamzaada productions can take hisham as their lead actor…hehe!

  7. Attempt_2B_IMAMAMERICA post.

  8. I like “Sheesh Mahal Dhaaba Book of World Records,” though.

  9. finally.. something prop-worthy..
    oh so many jabs at hisham..
    bowchickabowwow..

  10. Anonymous permalink

    mashallah really funny

  11. hehehe…although I don’t know Hisham…this just felt right πŸ˜‰

  12. MashAllah, as usual, classic KR stuff.
    Oh, and Saqib, KR started the satire stuff waaay before ImamAmerica.

  13. sooooooooooooo…..is he married yet?
    hahaha. asalamu alaikum. fun post.

  14. Anonymous permalink

    To the above question. No.
    But yeah KR sure the pictures suck and I’m not a big fan of having my picutre being posted online for the entire world to see. Overall it was a good post. Kudos
    Call me ladies

  15. ^Hehehehe.
    I loved this line the best: “Mr. Hussain recalled fondly that two people were commenting about how hardcore and religious he must be to be in sajdah for so long. “When I heard them praising me, I was so happy, but they were missing the bigger point, so I said to them, ‘I know guys, but guess what? I’m also fasting, Mashallah.'”

  16. hahaha, thats all i can say.

  17. Anonymous permalink

    SaqibSaab’s comment – lol.

  18. Great post, now only if it were a joke…..

  19. wow, you rip on hisham and he takes it like a man…. i mean an idiot… πŸ™‚

  20. lol, don’t think I didn’t catch the subtle attack on liberals/muslimwakeup.com types with this line:
    “‘Hell no, I’m doing something more important here, I don’t have time to stop for something as trivial and common as prayer.”

  21. lolll thatt was soo funny, wat motivated u to write this??? he he.

  22. and yeahh howd u come up with all thoseee crazyyy namessss.

  23. I haven’t met Hisham personally (or have I), but it was a pleasure reading this hilarious anti-hisham post…it made my day… πŸ™‚

  24. I remember at an ISNA convention a few years back, I saw a brother engaged in a very lengthy sajdah. When he went down for the second sajdah, I decided to recite “Subhanaribayyal’Ala” in my mind to see how many I could say while he was down there…I swear to God, I recited between 45-50 in a very slow manner before he got up. In retrospect, I think that was Hisham.

  25. kjfhlksfsabnfsdubg.
    …isnt that so much more refreshing and meaningful than “haha, lol, lmao, rofl, hehe, hooheehaaahowhahahbanana.”
    I actually already read the post twice, but I just realized that I didn’t comment, your site is becoming like a newspaper…  Everyday with the coffee.  I am not sure if that is a good thing, considering I neither drink coffee, nor read a newspaper.
    salaamalaikumwarahmatullahiwabarakatu. hooheehaaahowhahahbanana @ the comments.

  26. what the Queen said.peace,IJB

  27. Imam America prays as fast as possible. Having intricate knowledge of the time/space continuum, ImamAmerica knows the length of time it will take my prayers to travel to the far reaches of the galaxy, so it is not necessary to maintain a prolonged sajdah.

  28. “Mr. Lowenstein-Khan” haha, that’s pretty goodand i would play prince of persia, if i had two thrones, but i don’t have it yet, and i can’t motivate myself enough to play warrior within yet, but i did install it, just incase i did find it in me to play the game again.

  29. Anonymous permalink

    hisham, i still wanna have ur babies. u know that right? ur ghay.

  30. this guy is stupid!!!! how dumb can you get, hahahahahaha!!!

  31. dang, i thought this was real.
    but still was a fun post.

  32. put something else up soon like this…..

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