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Muslim Director Announces New Reality Show

November 21, 2005

Chicago, IL — Haraam Zaada
Productions announced the creation of a new reality show for the 2006
fall season in a press conference that will feature 12 weekly, hourlong
episodes in which different types of Muslims will live together in a
masjid in the Chicagoland area.

The show is the vision of renowned journalist-turned-director,
Fakhruddin Butt, who wanted to bring together Sufis, Salafis,
Hizbut-Tahreeris, Fobs, Liberals, and others in the same masjid. The
show’s preliminary script calls for a month-long experiment wherein
these Muslims would have to live together, learn together, and attempt
to pray together by picking an acceptable imam. When asked by reporters
how he got the idea for such a show, Mr. Butt narrated a recent and
personal incident of his at a local masjid. “I stood up to pray man,
and this guy stands next to me with his feet wide apart trying to touch
mine. I tried to bring mine closer, but he kept spreading his out more
and more towards myself and the guy on his right. Pretty soon, by the
time the imam finished reciting the Fatiha, he was doing the splits like a
Russian gymnast while still maintaining his balance. It was quite
impressive really, so I thought, how would this masjid be if we locked
in all these people and taped it? So I quickly broke my prayer, called
up the president of Haram Zaada Productions, and called together this
press conference”

Haram Zaada Productions is the recently created studio of paan-tycoon
M. Hasan Ali, making a name for itself with its controversial video
series PK Playerhouse’s How to be a Poser.
The studio is currently funding the entire casting, filming and
production of the reality series. Mr. Ali stated, in between spitting
into a nearby spittoon on the floor–and missing frequently–at the
press conference, “We at Haram Zaada Productions want to purvey only
the highest-quality filth possible. I want everyone to know that I
personally stand behind every movie and tv show that we make.”

Butt described that the show would consist of 10 Muslims from various
backgrounds who would live in a masjid and undergo challenges and tests
weekly. Each week, the group will vote off one contestant until a
winner is determined. “For many of these guys, it will be the first
time they’ve ever had to actually sit down and listen to someone who
doesn’t follow their view of Islam.”

Casting has already begun, and over 13 people attended the first
casting session. It took producers an excruciating 20 minutes to
determine the final cast for the show. While the producers are
currently silent about the details of the entire cast, reporters were
informed that the show will feature amongst its case of ten, characters
such as Adnan Mangochutneywala, a 42 year old cab driver who lives in
his cab; Mike Jones (formerly Mohammed Jameel), a 34 year old white
collar liberal executive; Imam Majnun-al-Din al-Himari, a 56 year old
imam who proudly says that he has personally caned more than 3 dozen
women over the years for not wearing hijab; and Tyrone Biggums, a 26
year old “self-made” man who constantly scratches his neck and asks
everyone for “crack”.

While filming is still in session, Mr. Butt did tell the reporters
about several incidents that have already taken place. “Dude, like the
hardcore hanafi guy, one day at Asr time, he found out after the prayer
that the salafi guy wiped over his socks, so he just went and beat the
crap out of him, no questions asked. The salafi guy had broken ribs, a
fractured arm, and required 15 stitches to stop the bleeding from above
his left eye. The next day, the cabbie went to go lead prayer, but the
hanafi guy beat him to a bloody pulp because he didn’t think the cabbie
had a long enough beard.

“Another time, the sufi guy called the salafi guy a sufi, and the
salafi guy called the sufi a salaf… wait, just saying that got me all
confused. But that was nothing compared to the first day when the
liberal guy posted his picture of Amina Wadud and Asra Nomani on the
wall in the masjid. I think everyone, including myself and Tyrone
Biggums, beat the crap outta him”

One of the reporters asked Mr. Butt about the extensive violence on the
show, to which he replied, “Well, that’s to be expected when you get a
bunch of Muslims who can’t agree on anything together and attempt to
get them to see the other person’s perspective. It always leads to
violence. We implemented a system on the show that in order to charge
another person as a kafir, you had to write a one page essay on
why you think he’s a kafir. That worked for a few days, then the HT
fellow said this is Darul-Harb and he didn’t have to listen to my
man-made laws… so he brandished his black and white flags and
declared jihad on everyone.”

Challenges for the contestants will assign them into groups and get
them to work together on projects such as cleaning the grease trap in
the masjid kitchen, organizing jumu’ah parking, eliminating the masala
smell from the masjid, and printing grammatically correct signs.
Immunity will be determined by whoever can stand in prayer at night the
longest.

The pilot episode is set to air in late August 2006 and features the
first day of the one month live-in. The episode will feature such
incidents such as the fob, while oiling his hair, dropping his bottle
of coconut oil on the imam’s prayer rug; Tyrone stealing the fob’s
student visa and selling it for crack; the salafi breaking the
Shafi’ite’s finger because he was raising it during the tashahhud; the
Hanafi tackling the Maliki in the middle of prayer for not raising his
hands to his navel; the Maliki posting a sign on the Hanafi’s back
saying, “Kick me, I follow the most liberal of the 4 Imams”; the
Shafi’ite rolling down the Hanafi’s rolled up pants during prayer; the
Shafi’ite then switching the Hanafi’s zabiha-meat with the non-zabiha
kind; the liberal waking up one morning to find his $90 low-cut,
low-rise designer jeans burning in the trash can with a note
posted on the wall that read: “When I said I wanted crack, I didn’t
mean yours.”; and Imam al-Himari getting caned with his own cane.

For now, both Fakhruddin Butt and his benefactor, M. Hasan Ali, remain
optimistic that the program will be a success. Mr. Ali added, “And if
you bit**es don’t like it, I don’t care, I drive a BMW, I’m rich.”

As the conference concluded, one reporter asked if there would be any female contestants on the
program, to which Butt replied, “It’s a masjid, not a mansion. Perhaps
we could look into that for season two, depending on how the show does
in its first season.”

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33 Comments
  1. you have too much time on your hands…nonetheless and interesting post to describe the situation of the Ummah…although the line “Kick me, I follow the most liberal of the 4 Imams” is going into touchy grounds…

  2. With these idiots, Im counting on Tyrone to convert and set everyone straight.

  3. Anonymous permalink

    You call this a post? Your last two posts have sucked.
    No EPROPS FOR YOU!

  4. ^to Hishashish: Actually bro, this article was pretty funny and accurate in describing the various problems amongst the present Muslims of America. It was like reading an onion.com article.
    Though kr, the latest onion.com article is about a reality show featuring 12 animals that will live together in a house… is that where you got your inspiration for this post, as opposed to the middle of prayer? =)
    Anyway, I liked this article a lot, MashAllah.

  5. yeah hisham, what almusafir said… you need to get rid of all this hasad that you have over my brilliant posts.

  6. touqeer: as for the “liberal of the 4 imams” bit… some non-Hanafis look down at the Hanafi school and consider us “too liberal” in some of our stances. therefore i put that in as a subtle pun to this phenomenon.

  7. Anonymous permalink

    “Mr. Butt narrated a recent and personal incident of his at a local masjid. “I stood up to pray man, and this guy stands next to me with his feet wide apart trying to touch mine. I tried to bring mine closer, but he kept spreading his out more and more towards myself and the guy on his right. Pretty soon, by the time the imam finished the Fatiha, he was doing the splits like a Russian gymnast while still maintaining his balance.”
    lmao…

  8. this was awesome, mA. and though the entire post was great, i was literally lol at the eighth paragraph. i’d love to see a woman do a Sisters’ version of this post.

  9. Anonymous permalink

    I think this article is pretty asccurate with the way muslims of different sects treat each other, and it was also funny which obvioulsy gets bonus points
    salam

  10. ur a FAG

  11. Haraam Zaada Productions….HAHAHAHAHAHA…ok..i really didn’t get past that first line.

  12. lol, this was funny and accurate, I don’t know why everyone is hating on it.  The best part:
    Imam Majnun-al-Din al-Himari, a 56 year old imam who proudly says that he has personally caned more than 3 dozen women over the years for not wearing hijab;
    ROFL.

  13. Anonymous permalink

    Actually a great post. My Bad KR. I’ll take back my hate.

  14. Anonymous permalink

    shoot i’ll give you two eprops as well. Just cuz we discussed the sticker idea… approved for h2 use.

  15. hehe that was hilarious

  16. Anonymous permalink

    hmmmm yno im only giving you ONE eprop cuz u KEEP on using MY name…and you get all the love from the xangachicks…and never share…jerk…
    but good post..im the CEO of haramzada productions
    nigger-ul-haq

  17. Assalam-U-Alaikum brother,
    this was a brilliantly intelligently brilliant post….MashahAllah, you are an awesome writer….i wish i could write like that….
    nice….look eagerly forward to more of these…..
    Allah Hafiz
    Wasalaam

  18. the liberal waking up one morning to find his $90 low-cut, low-rise designer jeans that burning in the trash can with a note posted on the wall that read: “When I said I wanted crack, I didn’t mean yours.”
    hahaha, this post was hilarious, although it took away from my stduying time. Anyways, sucks that it’s mostly true. Salaam
    Mehnaaz 

  19. very good one!

  20. Genius, pure genius

  21. asalamu alaikum kr RRrR. hey can we get that on satellite? omg that sounds so interesting.

  22. HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…. that is the most HILLARIOUS post i have ever read. OMG!! you beat EVERY other comedian on this one. i am saving this post so that whenever i am sad, i can LAUGH OUT LOUD!

  23. Anonymous permalink

    Imran get a REAL rolemodel

  24. Hisham, dont be jealous bro! ur xanga is no where close to KR’s…haha!

  25. damn hisham, you got OWNED… big time.

  26. HAHAHAH…. “that is the most HILLARIOUS post i have ever read. OMG!! you beat EVERY other comedian on this one. i am saving this post so that whenever i am sad, i can LAUGH OUT LOUD!”
    rofl.  when I read this I thought the guy was mocking you…
    I am not a hater, but for some reason not all of the jokes flew. One e-prop for good measure.
    Indeed, the banana doesn’t scold the apple because the apple has seeds and a fibrous peel, rather they relish their differences and make good pies.
    -anonymous.
    sorry, I just felt I should fill up as much comment space as possible with semi-meaningless psychobabble in retaliation for reading the entire article waiting for a punch-line.  agony.  =)
    salaamalaikumwarahmatullahiwabarakatu.

  27. Anonymous permalink

    kr, can u PLEASE put the haramzaada truck on ur post. so classic. u should share this useless art as well.

  28. Servant_of_Allah you are so adorable mA. I love this: “Indeed, the banana doesn’t scold the apple because the apple has seeds and a fibrous peel, rather they relish their differences and make good pies.” now i want pie. yum yum yum.baraakallahu feekumpeace,IJB

  29. that third last paragraph was totally awesome….
     
    bonnynclide:  here you go…kr left it on my xanga once…
     
    YOU’VE BEEN HIT BY|^^^^^^^^^^^^||The Haram Zaada Truck | ‘|”””;.., ___.|_…_…______===|= _|__|…, ] |”(@ )'(@ )””””*|(@ )(@ )*****(@HARAAM ZAADA PRODUCTIONS!!!

  30. you forgot the best part, the commentary underneath the graphic:YOU’VE BEEN HIT BY|^^^^^^^^^^^^||The Haram Zaada Truck | ‘|”””;.., ___.|_…_…______===|= _|__|…, ] |”(@ )'(@ )””””*|(@ )(@ )*****(@MUAHAHAHAHAH!! DISHOOM!! HARAAM ZAADEY!!!

  31. Although I applaud your creativity, I think your treading on sensitive ground.  Be careful not to offend your brothers.  Just an opinion, assalam

  32. Salafi getting attacked by the Hanafi for wiping over his socks. 2 ePrizzles.

  33. Well written and subtle, the way all good satires should be. You strike a good balance between shocking people and making them laugh at their own faults and quirks. The best line, I think, is this: “For many of these guys, it will be the first time they’ve ever had to actually sit down and listen to someone who doesn’t follow their view of Islam.”It only narrowly beat out “when I said I want crack, I didnt mean yours.”

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