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Happy Birthday Bhaiya (written by Rehan Riaz)

October 16, 2005

edit: Monday, 10:30 pm – looks like you guys and xanga sent me a birthday present… #7 if anyone’s counting… thank you.

edit: Monday, 3:24 pm – table of contents, media player file, and even the site disclaimer have all been updated.

kr’s note: No thanks to all of you slackers and cheapskates who
didn’t send me any money for my birthday yesterday (October 15th). My
brother decided to write a post as his present to me… even though he
worked all summer and made more money in this past fiscal year than I
did, he figured it’d be more economical for him to write a post instead
of giving me a present. As usual, my commentary is in italics.

On October 15, 1981—a
date which will live in infamy—the world was introduced to Kamran Riaz,
or kr(156) as he is now known. I didn’t want to write this as a post;
I’m a firm believer that xanga is a serious problem in my brother’s
life, not to mention a complete waste of time. I think he needs
professional help to overcome his xanga addiction. But since his site
is mildly entertaining at times, I decided this would be a great way to
rip on him. And there’s no way I’m buying his broke self a present
(c’mon, who borrows lunch money from their younger brother?…
everytime we go out, he ALWAYS “borrows” money from me, saying that
he’ll pay me back when he’s working as a doctor… when that day will,
Allah only knows). I can’t believe this MEGA staller is 24 years old.

 He:

  • has to be woken up by my mom every single day… even on test days (I don’t like alarm clocks…)
  • doesn’t know how to wash the dishes (isn’t this why God gave man the knowledge of inventing the dishwasher…)
  • doesn’t do laundry
  • doesn’t have a job
  • is ugly
  • sucks at Madden (whatever,
    I rock Rehan everytime we play with my efficient clock-management
    skills to run out the clock and kick the game winning field goal
    )
  • sleeps ‘til noon and takes two “naps” a day
  • spends too much time on AIM (“who is he talking to at 2 a.m.” my mom always asks)
  • thinks he’s a great wide receiver (what, I still hold Chicago records for TD catches in a game…)
  • likes the Cubs
  • likes the Bears
  • has no idea who Common is (who the hell is Common… more importantly, should I care?)
  • listens to Jennifer Lopez ( I know it’s only one song but still) (wait, lemme explain… this was like 6 years ago… sigh, there’s no explanation for this…)
  • is always late (ahem, fashionably late…)
  • “accidentally” puts
    my sweaters in the laundry so that they shrink, then graciously offers
    to take them off my hands because they don’t fit me anymore
  • went to UIC (that’s right, I said it)
  • still goes to UIC
  • would get rocked if we ever got into a fight
  • thinks he’s Hamza Yusuf everytime he gives a speech… riiight… I mean, reeeallllly…
  • used to trace his beard with a marker on his face so he wouldn’t mess up when he shaved
  • always comes and sits on top of me, even if there’s plenty of space to sit anywhere else in the room
  • has too much free time
  • is misguided in thinking that Sudais is better than Shuraim (oh please, everyone knows Sudais is better…)
  • thinks he’s a walking dictionary and uses big words to make other people think he’s smart
  • thinks he’s always right (I can’t help it if I’m always right…)
  • complains that our mom loves me more than him
  • doesn’t know anything about a lot of things but still acts like he does

Looking back, I realized he hasn’t changed all that much.

Look at him in this picture, thinking he’s all buff… 24 years later… he still thinks he is huge

What were they thinking with those socks? (in my defense, they FORCED us to wear those shorts and socks)

Asthaghfirullah, dropping game on younger girls (haha,
the story behind this is when I was two years old, we went on our first
trip to India… on the plane, apparently I was able to smooth talk
this dame into feeding me… man, I was such a stud
)

Bacardi (above) and Cola (below)—straight up 80’s pimp

Destined to be our coach…

or maybe our batboy

Broke his arm on the swings and then was playing basketball and broke his leg. In the words of Napoleon Dynamite, “Idiot”. (ok
ok, the story behind this is that in 2nd grade, I broke my arm while
jumping from the swing and got a cast put on my right arm… a few
weeks later, I was playing basketball with one arm and ended up
breaking my left ankle as well)

He still has funny hair and crawls around the house


Don’t let the religious look fool you.

Everyone who knows
him personally will agree that he can be a “little” annoying at times,
but he is still the greatest big(read: in years) brother I could ever
ask for. Overall, I guess he’s a decent guy, whenever he wants to be
one or needs something from me. But I know that he will always be there
for me if I need him, especially when he finally gets a job and pays me
back. Happy Birthday scrub.

Awww, thanks Rehan… you staller, I’m never paying you back. 

Currently Reading: Surah al-Kahf, Surah Maryam, Surah TaHa

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45 Comments
  1. Anonymous permalink

    happy birthday kamran…you still owe me a lunch btw for our bet…i mean our discussion…
    nigger-ul-haq

  2. Happy Birthday KamKam. 
    My favorite baby squirrel picture is the first one, with you crying and clinging to the railing as if was a stripper pole.  And the two 80s pimp pictures in the light blue suit are FABULOUS as well. 
    p.s. Oct 15. is also Monique’s anniversary of her being Mormon…

  3. Happy Birthday. and the post was hilarious. you should try to get your brother in on this xanga business. In the end, i’m sure we would all be very happy

  4. The Abdul-Sattar one is awesome, straight outta Bangalore.

  5. …so kr is human after all =). happy b-day.

  6. that was sooooo sweet of your brother! 🙂

  7. Ray Ray speaks the truth….except about UIC.

  8. Anonymous permalink

    doesn’t know how to wash the dishes (isn’t this why God gave man the knowledge of inventing the dishwasher…)
    Nay KR, thats why the Lord created Womankind

    Yeah I said it… what?

  9. Anonymous permalink

    REy rey speaks the truth..especially bout UIC… didnt know the brother had a soft spot in him..

  10. Wow, I’m impressed with your macking skills as a two year old.
    I gotta give mad respect for that… lol.

  11. to hisham: haha, i was gonna write that in my comments, but i figured it was ramadan and i should be nice… but i applaud you for speaking the truth. “Say: truth has arrived and falsehood has vanished; for falsehood is bound to perish. (17:81)”hehehe

  12. happy birthday kr…i always thought rehan was cooler and this post confirmed that…haha. don’t worry kamran, you’re cool too in that vlad guerrero “cold as ice in the playoffs” kinda way….

  13. Anonymous permalink

    asalamu alaykum wrwb,
    2 bday props + a duaa 😀

  14. “thinks he’s Hamza Yusuf everytime he gives a speech… riiight… I mean, reeeallllly… ”
    LOL, that’s so true, if anyone ever heard kr speak

  15. Assalam-U-Alaikum,
    i definately agree… Sudais is way better then Shuraim….
    man your posts always cheer me up when i am down…
    JazakAllah
    Allah Hafiz

  16. Happy Belated Birthday, Inshallah may you grow healthy, maybe a little weathly, and wise..or wiser…er..whatever. 🙂 Some words of unwanted FYI: 24 is an interesting year….it’s when you start questioning your REAL purpose in life (ie..how to save the world, etc.)…good luck and ENJOY!!!p.s. Sudais is awesome…whoever disagrees should be disowned 😛

  17. Anonymous permalink

    Insha’Allah, at IIE, we’ll be doing Qadaa of your birthday beatings.
    Btw…this is pathetic:
    “used to trace his beard with a marker on his face so he wouldn’t mess up when he shaved”

  18. Anonymous permalink

    umm imma have to disagree with all of you…shuraim is waaay better than sudais…you just cant beat that consistency

  19. Kamran truly is late to almost everything. And he’s just about impossible to wake up unless your his ummi. I speak from personal experience.

  20. As Salam Alaikum:
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY brother Kr! May Allah bring you many more blessed years, and you have a fine job (so that you can pay back everyone!). Anywho, you share the same birthday as Vergil  (the poet dude) and (i dont know about this guy –>) but you share the same birthday as the former prime minister of Israel – Yitzhak Shamir!
    Oh, and Sudais is better! No more arguements on this point! (Oh, and this Imam at IFS, his recitations is beautiful too, dont know his name.)
    Allah Hafiz

  21. …oh and yeah, the second to the last picture is the cutest!..

  22. Happy Birthday kr. Everyone already gave some nice du’as so I’ll just say Ameen to them.
    The picture of you in the coach outfit is cute… and the pics of the “Bacardi and Cola” 80’s pimp suit are awesome.

  23. Anonymous permalink

    Okay I had made the intention of posting the woman hating comment first and come back to realyl focus on the comments for this post, basically KR bashing.
    Have I mentioned that KR is a bandwagon hopper, so us true bears fans (shariq and I) dont consider him to be a Bears fan. Also us true Cubs fans (Saudi and I) do not consider him to be from our Cubs Fandom kind either.
    Other than that Rehan put together a post and a half and he hit so many things right on the head:1. How lame KR is (the marker thing, although in my quest to get something like that I might trying that too… too bad I can connect)2. What a Hamza Yusuf wanna be KR is, with his big words and his expalining the root of each letter in shukr with the sheen exploding and the kaaf cutting the silence and the ra repeating, telling us how we should explode into shukar by cutting the silence of not making shukr and then repeating shukr or something like that3. And the irony that is Kr, who says should he really be listenign to common as if he doenst listen to music yet the next point admits to listening to J-Ho.
    In all you a poser nigga! A poser! lol i just wanted to say that
    for all you fools out there, KR is but a mere mortal and he’s my nigga with all his flip flopping tendencies.
    i’m outtie 5000, keep it sleazy

  24. to hisham: whoa whoa, the heavens and earth are shaking due to such accusations. let me respond1. i mentioned to saudi that im happy FOR the white sox since they’re bringing some honor and glory to the great city of chicago. i’m not about to sit there and watch their games, root for them, or want them to win… but if they do win, it’s like yay, good for them. this is different from bandwagon jumping, so don’t even accuse me of jumping the wagon. what makes me different is that while you and saudi are full of hatred towards the white sox, i was full of apathy and indifference… to make, the white sox were more of an inconvenience since they’d take up valuable minutes and column space on sports shows and articles, respectively. now that they’re doing good, if i smile for them, that doesn’t make me disloyal to my true team, the cubbies.2. dont ever question my chicago bears loyalty… go pray 2 rak’ah nafl for uttering such blasphemy. i was a bears fan even before you were born son. i REMEMBER the ’85 super bowl… when i was like 4 or 5, i still remember meeting gary fencik and asking him a question that made everyone there laugh: “what’s the difference when jim mcmahon is in the game or if mike tomczak is in the game?”… gary fencik said: “well, when jim mcmahon is quarterbacking, we (the defense) know we can relax, get something to drink and catch our breath… when mike tomczak’s in the game, we know that we’ll be going back pretty quickly.”3. the marker thing was when i first started the beard, way back in high school. consider it like training wheels. once i outgrew that by college, i don’t use it no more. you might wanna start using it, however… idiot.4. hahaha, this accusation about me speaking like Shaykh Hamza is an insult to Shaykh Hamza… though it’s funny that you remember that shukr explanation a year later.5. ok, i liked ONE j-lo song way back in high school… get off me.im gonna beat you to a bloody pulp the next time i see you

  25. You broke your arm AND leg at the same time? Dang, that had to suck.
    Happy Birthday kr. Thanks for amusing us with your posts. It helps the time to fly by at work.

  26. Happy belated birthday K-man,
    What were they thinking with those socks?
    Funniest…pic….EVER!

  27. i like common.
    happy birthday.

  28. Hey kr, I sent you a check for 2 cents… check your mail, it should come in any day now

  29. Happy B-Day !!!

  30. Happy Birthday!

  31. Anonymous permalink

    salaams
    happy belated bday. your comments on other ppl’s sites always crack me up.

  32. Happy Birthday..these props are for the twice daily naps (although thrice wouldnt hurt) and for attending uic. Strange, whilst writing this, I’m remembering back before uic to the days of 1260 Costanza on Ms Sadia’s blackboard..

  33. Masha Allah nice post by Rehan (btw folks…Rehan Masha Allah got a perfect 1600/1600 in his PSAT)
    Sudais rules….

  34. salaamhappy belated birthdaythis post was pure geniuslolinstead of one part i think you should replace “(isn’t this why God gave man the knowledge of inventing the dishwasher…)” with isnt this why we get marriedlol amazing and moms ruleso does sudais hes like the superman of qari’s

  35. Anonymous permalink

    May Allah bless you with a long and prosperous life.  

  36. who wears short shorts?

  37. KamKam, you took off the picture with you crying and hanging to the railing as if it were a naughty girl’s pole!  Punk.

  38. Anonymous permalink

    Happy Birthday! I dont know whats more entertaining the post or the comments..

  39. happy belated birthday.  hope you a good one.  and funny post by your bro.

  40. Anonymous permalink

    Happy birthday.. I dont know whats more amusing the post or the xanga…Sheikh Jibraeel is my personal favorite =-)

  41. As Salam Alaikum Brother Kr:
    I actually googled the picture, type in kaabah, (spelling does matter), then it gives you different results, right, then click on large and it will give you all the large images…there in the second row would be the pic. there are some other good ones in the same row (from the same website thingy) that show the inside of the Kaabah, but yeah why all this? well because it is someones blogspot thingy and in some wierd language and when you go to the thingy you cant find the pic anywhere…or atleast I couldnt…so yeah…
    MAN! now that I think about it..in (alhamdulilah) all the times I went for pilgrimage, I never saw it change…inshaAllah this time for sure…aaaahhhhh….this just might be my next post…memories of Medina and Makkah!…inshaAllah…
    alrighty…
    Ma as salaam…Allah Hafiz

  42. wow there sure are a lot of comments… i don’t know if i can respond to each one individually, but let’s see.overall, thanks for the birthday wishes and du’as and advice… though i feel as old as ancient relic, it nonetheless was a great birthday present to get onto featured content. and yes, sudais does rule… im gonna put up a sudais post in the next few days that deals with the evolution of his qir’at over the yearsalti: i’ll buy you lunch after Ramadan son… we’ll go hit up RL rooji: the picture of me crying on the stairs wasn’t actually of me… it was one of our neighbors, and for some reason his picture was in the photo album… my brother thought it was me so he put it up, but then my mom read the post and was like, “oh, that’s so-and-so, that’s not you”… so that’s why it was taken offisaac: why are all you uiuc’ers such uic haters… just cause you guys don’t have anything else to hang your hats on, your collective identity is based on uic hatred… then it’s funny that you all end up coming to uic for grad school…ibnabume: sadly, my macking skills peaked when i was two years old and have been non-existent ever since… well, at least that’s my official answer.sadiq: cool as vlad guerrero… uh, thanks?… idiot.kabri: i don’t want to save the world anymore… i wanted to do that when i was like 12… instead, i want to conquer it and become the undisputed dictator of the world…. if that doesn’t work out, i’ll settle for working less than 30 hrs a week as my career goal… or being an espn sportsanchor…mufti abrar: qadaa of birthday beatings… haha, just you fools try it.Hyattregency: liar, where’s my check???ssaeed2: there was a day in the summer where i did manage to take 3 naps… it was one of the best days ever. unfortunately, i haven’t been able to repeat that feat… hahha, i had totally forgotten about 1260 Costanza… that was classic =)mawlana nazim: it was on his SATs… it’s like his claim to fame… everywhere he goes, uncles are more impressed by the SAT score than his being hafiz… kinda shows where we are as a community, eh? wot? hehe i had to throw in that Canada rip…aa1: thanks for the pic info

  43. Props to Rehan for this amazing post…

  44. happy birthday bhaijaan!!! Sudais=awesome voice Shurain=consistant BOTH ARE AWESOME!! ill take the sentimental road cuz its Ramadan time. May Allah shower you with his blessings and forgive you. AMEEN. i agree wit all dat was said
    peace

  45. hidday belated bohday

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