Skip to content

September 11, 2005

One Year Anniversary Post


Around this time last year, my xanga was a relatively tame blog where I still ranted and raved about all sorts of topics. Sept 11, 2004 marked a turning point in the short history of this xanga: it was then that I unveiled the famous (or infamous, if you lack a sense of humor…) theory that launched this site into somewhat of a cult-phenomenon.


One year later, it’s time for us all to re-acquaint (or acquaint if you’re a new reader) with the greatest theory ever devised in modern times. Quantum mechanics, psh… Einstein’s relativity, psh… this is the mother of all theories.


One year later, let us all remember and benefit from such wisdom.


Finally, Go Bears… let the Kyle Orton era begin!


Saturday, September 11, 2004






 

The Theory of Wife Demotion


 


Before I proceed, many of you are possibly fascinated, curious, or disgusted (most likely) by the title of this post. Rest assured, for those of you who are feeling disgusted, I feel that my moral duty to make this theory known amongst the common public is far too important for me to worry about what people think. Sometimes the truth cannot be sugar-coated and must be relayed as it is. It is my hope that initial disgust will lead to the realization of the beauty and truth of such a theory, as Imam al-Bûsirî writes in the Burda: “The eye that is diseased will reject the ray of sunlight / And the mouth will reject the taste of sweet water due to its sickness.”  Besides, if you’re feeling disgusted and want to disagree, you’re probably a female, and who cares what you think anyway… if you want to voice your opinion, raise your hand and wait for a man to acknowledge you before speaking. For too long have you been ignorant of such a theory, and therefore are excused for not realizing the benefit of this theory… from today onwards, you have no excuse for not implementing this theory.


 


This is not my original theory. I am honored to narrate this on the authority of the one and only Hadhrat Atif Jaleel.  I was privileged enough to re-listen to the Theory of Wife Demotion again today as I had lunch with him; truly when I prayed during Jumu`ah to be blessed, little did I know that I would see its rewards immediately. After speaking to the wise Hadhrat, I felt obligated to disseminate this immediately. What follows is the original theory from the Hadhrat himself.  I have added commentary and explanation (in italics) wherever I feel is beneficial to the reader.


 


To proceed:


 


Thus narrates the wise and eminent man of God, Hadhrat Atif Jaleel:


 


In the name of God, the most Gracious, the most Merciful. May salutations and peace be upon our Master the Prophet Muhammad, his Companions, and all those who follow them (our dear brother forgot to include this at the beginning, and therefore I feel compelled to include this for him on his behalf).


 


In the past, when life expectancy wasn’t as high as it is now, and people only lived until they were 50 or so, it was prudent to get all 4 in at about the same time (referring to marrying 4 wives at about the same time). However, now that people are living longer until about 70 or 80 years, it’s better to space these marriages out (and thus make these marriages more efficient). I find this ijtihâd of Atif Jaleel to be quite exemplary. He has recognized the changing of times and understood there is a need to change our perspectives. Specifically, these marriages should be spaced out about every 10 years (the reason for this shall be seen shortly) so as to ensure the best for all parties involved, but particularly the man.


 


The first marriage is the most important. It is imperative that the man make sure to find a woman to fulfill the role of first wife who has exceptional qualities (this not only includes beauty as it’s a given she ought to be a supermodel, but one must strive to find an excellent cook, ironer, grocery shopper, maid, and child-rearer. The first wife must also be an excellent conversationalist, possess a great sense of humor, and must be willing to train future wives. All these qualities must be present in the first wife or else the theory will not work.  For the other wives, it is not so important for them to have the total package, so to speak, but the first wife must be exceptional in all these areas). So the man marries a woman who is about 20-25 and both of them enjoy the status of being married. During this time, the first wife is obligated to maintain and hone all those qualities she had when she marries the man. This includes: maintaining the house, cooking gourmet meals, not disturbing her husband when he’s watching any sporting event (in fact, she ought to learn the rules of sports and become a fan of whatever team(s) her husband roots for—it’s unacceptable for a woman to root for arch-rivals of her husband’s favorite team(s).), and most importantly, making sure she continues to look the way she appeared at her wedding. In fact, these qualities ought to be perfected and the first wife must prepare to teach future wives. This state of affairs will continue for about 10-15 years, after which the man will then marry his second wife.


 


At this point, many readers might wonder why one must wait the 10-15 years before marrying the second wife. We must acknowledge that shelf-life of women only lasts about 10 years before their beauty fades. Therefore, out of the man’s mercy and magnanimity, the pressures for the first wife to remain outwardly beautiful are released, and she can focus on her other duties: cooking, cleaning, child-rearing, etc. The second wife will be about 20-25 years of age (the first wife now is 30-35), and her main responsibility is to remain as beautiful as she was the day she married the man. Now, many of you students of the path are perhaps aghast at this, but look how merciful the Hadhrat is, removing a burden from the first wife and allowing her the freedom to further hone and master her skills, particularly in the kitchen. The first wife will now be demoted (but for those who can see with the eye of clarity, you will realize this isn’t a demotion, per se) to look after the kids and such; it is crucial that she become a gourmet chef by this time (she must master the art of making biryani, kefta kabob, fresh rotis, and all other such dishes that her husband enjoys). It is important that the wives learn to get along with one another and not be jealous of each other. This allocation of duties is for their own good, and for the good of the household. For the next 10 years, the first wife will begin to slowly train the second wife in all the domestic branches of knowledge that she has mastered. This is why it’s not so critical for the second wife to already know these matters (she basically has to be extremely beautiful and willing to learn from the first wife). This state of affairs will continue for about 10 years (note that the period has been reduced) after which the man will then marry his third wife.


 


The third wife must be more beautiful than the second wife. At this point, the first wife is further demoted and takes over the child-rearing/educating, chauffeur, ironing, and other such miscellaneous duties. (Again, those possessing a vision of inner clarity will see this is not a demotion but actually a lessening of her burden). The second wife is relieved of her duties to remain beautiful, and is now demoted to cooking and cleaning duties. Again, those possessing wisdom will see how merciful this is to the first and second wives, removing from them the burden and pressure of remaining beautiful and letting them focus on their truly important tasks of child-rearing and cooking, respectively. The first and second wives must actively train the third wife in their respective duties as well. Again, this state of affairs will further continue for about 5-10 years, after which time the man will finally marry the fourth wife.


 


The fourth wife must be absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, surpassing the second and third wives and second in beauty to the first wife. (This is because her only role in the household from here on out will be to remain beautiful and serve as a trophy wife. There is no excuse for her not to invest in a treadmill and other such necessary equipment—though one ought to hope that the other three wives would already have such equipment—to maintain her beauty). Again, it is imperative that the four wives must not be jealous of each other; instead they must put this aside for the sake of the greater good—which is to serve the husband, of course. The third wife now is demoted to take over the cooking duties (by now, since the man is getting up there in years, it’s vital that she and the other wives even collaborate to prepare world-class meals everyday, since this is perhaps the number one enjoyment the man has to live for at this stage in his life) and the second wife now becomes the primary child-raiser.  The younger three wives will also collaborate on miscellaneous duties such as ironing and bringing the husband a sandwich when he’s watching sporting events. As for the first and elder wife, she will be relieved of nearly all duties and “be out to pasture.” Consider again how merciful this philosophy is: the first wife, having faithfully done her tasks for 20-25 years is now relieved of all duties and can enjoy spending time with the grown kids, helping them with their homework, etc. From here on out, there are no more demotions and each wife will continue to carry out her allocated responsibilities.


 


And our closing request is to praise God, Lord of the Worlds.


 


Thus is the Theory of Wife Demotion, narrated by the great Hadhrat Atif Jaleel … who incidentally is still looking for his first wife. And thus ends the commentary of Kamran Riaz, who was privileged to hear such a brilliant and magnanimous theory, related the above theory, and added commentary for all students of the path to understand this beautiful theory (and to understand it really is a Theory of Wife Promotion) and apply it in their lives for the greater good of mankind—exactly, MANkind.


 


Finally, I fully stand by this theory and refuse to recant any of the theory or commentary. However, to be fair, if someone wants to write a refutation, I will objectively assess it and will seriously consider posting it.

Advertisements

From → Uncategorized

28 Comments
  1. YESS, first to comment.lol, I remember this from last year. It was hilarious then, and still is now.

  2. well, well. the infamous has returned. mA. exercising my own discretion, mujtahidah that i am, and recognizing the sheer brilliance of these words, i humbly endorse the TWD as the defining and reigning scripture to govern all marriage considerations. i recommend all peoples of conscience utilize their God-Granted capabilities of mind and body in the effort to make the TWD a universally implemented reality, such that in the near future we all may refer to its brilliance as not TWD, but RWD – the Reality of Wife Demotion.with peace,IJB

  3. “it was then that I unveiled the famous (or infamous, if you lack a sense of humor…) theory that launched this site into somewhat of a cult-phenomenon.”You’re fulla piss.:)

  4. Just two loop holes. 1) Given: women handle competition by a) destroying it, or b) lashing against it in an indirect and unorthadox manner. Thus, when the responsibility of being a supermodel is taken away from the first wife, she will lash out at the new girl who is younger and better able to maintain her figure. Lashing out may include things like not teaching the second wife properly, mistreating you, or your children, or using her children to miss treat and bessically ruin the mental health of those from the new wife, which later on in life would lead to internal family strife, leading to breakdown of family in a crisis situation. Unhappy woman = unhappy man.2) Given: As age increases, the body’s ability to maintain figure decreases. Given: If you want to find a loophole/way to break a rule/restriction, you will. There is no such thing as a perfect barrier. This leads to a problem with wife #3 and #4, who are more gorgeous than their competition, and are aware of it, but also aware of the fact that they can do much better than their man as well. This leads to them finding loopholes in your house and thus them finding someone who better suits their ideal of what they think they deserve. It is thus that the amendment must be made, which is that subsequent wife will in reality be less gorgeous as they progress untill wife #4 doesnt have a reason to try. she’s just a hopeless lost cause. Thank you for your wasted time.but really though.. nice post… I am interested to know if you will delete this comment/delete comments….

  5. I would like to put forward the Theory of Husband Rotation.  In this theory, the wife is merciful and loving and impossibly beautiful.  So many men love her that they threaten to fight each other over her.  This woman is so merciful and loving that she does not want these boys to hurt themselves over her, so thus, she marries them all, at one time.  However, for fairness, let us limit herself to just four men. 
    The housing situation can be a variety of things.  You see, if she marries four men, there are four men bringing in the bread.  Thus, they can easily afford to live in a large house.  They all live together happily, and get along as boys seem to do.  These men can alternate and take turns in enjoying the wife’s company, so to speak.  
    As for children and determining paternity…we have DNA tests now. 

  6. so this is what made your xanga something, huh?
    i’m glad i decided to ignore the original post when i did; i think the first paragraph was the hardest to swallow and i was certain i’d hate the author if i continued reading. buying myself that time, i now think this post to be more amusing than i originally allowed.
    whichever dude decides to live out the TWD better have wives that really love him, otherwise what beardman mentioned might definitely occur. the movie “The Good Earth”, which was based off the book by Pearl S. Buck, was on its way to realizing the TWD until the second wife messed things up.

  7. Hmm… “somewhat of a cult phenomenon…”
    keyword=somewhat    Just like, “Condoleeza Rice is somewhat attactive.” 
    LoL… I mean, I actually read it to find out how deep of a hole you could dig for yourself…  I am impressed, it is quite deep, and record shattering in breadth too.  Hahaha… do you actually intend on getting married, because this post may have crippled that idea, unless, say- you get the goods from back home, make sure she can’t read or speak english.  Hahah.  As far as this theory of wife demotion, the mere fact that “our dear brother forgot to include this at the beginning, and therefore I feel compelled to include this for him on his behalf.” sends up a red flag, and puts the very core knowledge of the “eminent” man of God in question.  Considering this plan would require 4 women who would agree to such a set up, it is theoretically impossible.  Also, considering the fact that for a man to marry women just to please himself, instead of looking for women-say-who are widowed in the many conflicts all over the world proves his short-sightedness, and shallow thinking.  Therefore, by default, the type of man required to pull something like TWD off would have to be one of immense intelligence, which would just not be found in any man willing to even consider the theory.  This very loop style phenomena is called a “Catch 22.”  Not to mention the 3rd and 4th wives right to satisfaction.  That is their Sharia right.  Hahaha.. they can even divorce you if you aren’t UP to par.  And considering the dude has been eating top of the line roti and biryani for the last 20 years while married to his first 2 wives, he will just have lost his endurance and gained a lot of weight.  Eat some of that.
    Otherwise, your entry was somewhat entertaining, if not for the intellectual matter it consisted of, but rather the mere foolishness it would require to come up with such a theory.
    Kr is still cool though.  I am just that forgiving.
    Salaamalaikumwarahmatullahiwabarakatu.  LOL, i bet you didnt even get 10 comments on the original.  No eprops for you!!

  8. The arrogance of umarried people like kr is str8 up hilarious beyond belief.

  9. Anonymous permalink

    all i have to say is, good luck with your marriage plans.you might as well turn this post in for your biodata.1 eprop cuz “the great Hadhrat Atif Jaleel … who incidentally is still looking for his first wife” … kinda feel bad for the guy. i think your profile pic guy has a better chance of getting married.wonder if this will get you into featured content…~ faiza

  10. not funny. *thumb down*

  11. no eprops, but here’s a smile.

  12. to almusafir and ishiwud: thank your for appreciating
    to saud: youre just surly cause i made fun of you on your xanga… deep down, you know you agree
    to beardman: good observations, if you look closer, you’ll realize there’s a thousand and one flaws with the theory, which is why the whole post is a onion.com article
    rooji: if you read the table of contents, you can search back chronologically for the rebuttal posts that were written… i like the effort, but it just wasn’t funny when i read it. the rebuttals from last year were much funnier.
    to datubelite: thank you, i think?
    to servantofallah: you should pray 100 nafl to atone for that statement about condoleeza rice… hahaha, let it be known that i stopped caring about eprops a long time ago, so i could care less if people propped this or not. i already accomplished my mission of getting onto FC, so i could care less about eprops now.  as for your points, yeah, there’s a lot of “catch 22’s” with the theory, hence the satire… which is why it sounds like an arabic text translated into english.
    yeah, interlude comment to anyone else: if you didnt realize the joke behind this… wow, i dunno…. *THUD THUD THUD*…. thats the sound of me bashing my head into the wall outta frustration and utter disbelief =)
    finally, to those who voiced concern whether im worried if i’ll ever get married after posting something like this: hahah, i find it hilarious when people consider this will affect my getting married or not… as for me, i could care less =)…. trust me, that’s never been a concern, it’s the least of my worries. heck, i worry about the success of the bears in 2005 more than that

  13. Anonymous permalink

    sniff sniff. where do i sign up? i mean…hahah! that was so funny..eerrrr…lol…child-rearing. never heard that one before.

  14. Anonymous permalink

    i wonder if u actually believe all this?
    i’ll be blunt
    this is mocking islam
    “the theory of wife demotion”? the reason men are allowed to have 4 wives in the first place was to take care of widows with children and to be kind to the helpless not for the pleasure of the man and having for wives is not necessary that’s why there are so many restrictions in the qur’an for the management and fair treatment of the multiple wives

  15. kr wrote: finally, to those who voiced concern whether im worried if i’ll ever get married after posting something like this: hahah, i find it hilarious when people consider this will affect my getting married or not… as for me, i could care less =)…. trust me, that’s never been a concern, it’s the least of my worries. heck, i worry about the success of the bears in 2005 more than that
    emam replied: why is it that when I look at that guy’s poster picture in the movie ‘The 40 Year-Old virgin’….he reminds me of you? : )
    if you don’t know what I’m talking about click here

  16. KamKam…you’re just cranky because Husband rotation theory makes sense…

  17. to salman: there’s no need to sign up, all you have to do now is follow the theory’s wisdom
    to narilshams: ill be blunt… it was satire, get over it.
    to shaykh nazim: hehehehe, believe you me, i ain’t worried
    to rooji: eh, your theory was quite clever like i said, but just wasn’t as funny as the previous rebuttals… just my opinion.

  18. KR, you are my hero.

  19. Anonymous permalink

    thats it you can’t come speak you sexist…. hahaha
    OH man KR. People fail to see the truth behind this. People like you and me can say whatever the hell we want, demand all the wives we need, and larkia still be like shaadhi karow.
    If you so insulting why are people still at your website. Bunch of haters out there. Hate the game dont hate the playa!!

  20. Anonymous permalink

    you wont make featured content with recycled posts..give me back my eprops.. Today is my birthday!!

  21. to fazaileamal: thanks man, as dave chappelle says in the intro to his show: “betta not bring yooo kiiids”… that makes no sense and has no relevance to anything, but i just love how he says that
    to isaacq: “thats it you can’t come speak you sexist…. hahahah” …. hehehehhe, how true. as for the second/third parts of your post, i think i’ve realized that i can pretty much post anything and people will still come visit. visiting my blog is the major daily accomplishment for many people… like all them corporate guys, hahaha (salman, etc).
    to zp: eh, i dont care about featured anymore, i just wanted to make it once and now that that goal’s accomplished, i could care less. in fact, i was thinking of just retiring this xanga and going out on top. dont be jealous that everyone finally admits what they knew in their hearts all along: my xanga is greater than yours. happy birthday… my gift is not giving back the props =)

  22. Anonymous permalink

    oh hehe… i thought you were kinda serious… i mean i got some of the jokes, but hey, can’t blame a girl for being gullible.

  23. theres no excuse for mocking islaam
    plus this topic has been plaaaaaayed out

  24. Anonymous permalink

    i agree with it hurts…i mean do you need eprops that badly you nazi?  this issue is very played out…there should be a “Do Not Prop KR Day” haha…that would piss you off so badly…
    and you should know that if you want a bunch of props then you need to have more posts that have pictures of that handsome rascal named Alti…
    nigger-ul-haq

  25. to it hurts: please visit onion.com… its called satire mixed with social commentary. site disclaimer’s on the top of the page as well, might wanna read that. yes, this post is satire, but there’s social commentary in it. if one can’t figure that out, i can’t be held responsible.
    to alti: hey you backstabbing jerk, take the knife outta my back… thats the last time i found you a doctor at 3 am in the morning.

  26. Anonymous permalink

    “…3 am in the morning”
    redundant phrase. (the use of “a.m.” notifies the reader that it was, indeed, morning.)
    –Saima

  27. Anonymous permalink

     Random Props.

  28. Anonymous permalink

    “We must acknowledge that shelf-life of women only lasts about 10 years before their beauty fades.”
    -colllllllllllld….but for the sake of humor…(u better be mazaak-ing) props.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: