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August 30, 2005

Alti’s Barbershop


Pop Quiz: What do you when you’re broke as heck and want to get a haircut?


Answer: You find the ghetto-est barber around and hope that it comes out great.


With that idea firmly in mind, Don Kazim and I were pondering where to get a haircut that wouldn’t cost much (read: free). Sure, there’s some guys of ours who cut hair, but that would require driving all the way into the city. Given our life philosophy of utter laziness, we couldn’t allow ourselves to work that hard for a haircut. Thus, laziness and my complete lack of financial capital (Kazim mashallah is cash money records…) inspired me to seek out a suitable alternative. We needed the most ghetto person we could find that would basically give us a free haircut and do a solid job…


Enter Altamash Iftikhar.


Poor guy, I called him up at around 6 and basically said, “Yo, we’re coming over in 30 minutes and we want free haircuts.” In retrospect, I didn’t even ask him if he was busy, if he had other plans, or even if he wanted to give us haircuts. Oh well, who cares, it’s Alti. So the Don and I arrived at Alti’s place just as he was coming back from a hard day at school–wait a minute, he goes to BU and it was the first day of school of his last semester… there ain’t nothin difficult about that. After entering Baytul Alti, we encountered Alti’s Dad (aka Count Dooku), conveyed our salaams, and then hit up `Asr in Alti’s room… I shoulda taken pictures of his room and put it up on the net. After `Asr, it was time to get this adventure started…


Of course, I nominated the Don to go first. I wanted to see how good (or bad) the haircut came out before subjecting myself to Alti’s clippers. As we went into the bathroom, Alti busts out all this haircutting equipment that he had stashed away… I’m thinking: Where the heck did you get all this stuff? Turns out that Alti routinely cuts hair for his “nephew” and others when they ask. As he got started on the Don, I also found a book in his room titled “French Women Don’t Get Fat”… Now, Alti swears that’s not his book, but I think we all know the truth of the matter (I confess that I read chapter 1 while Kazim was getting his haircut). Alti’s approach to haircutting was also quite haphazard: he’d experiment with one setting, then switch over to another… all in all, he didn’t inspire a lot of confidence in me to trust over my hair. But as he continued on Kazim’s hair, I began to see that there was a method to his madness, and well, what do you know, the Don’s hair came out great mashallah.



Alti and the Don: the finished product


So I decided to recite all the prayers that came to my mind and entrusted my hair to Alti. I had a rough idea of what I wanted, but he kept asking me too many questions about what setting to use, so eventually, I just gave him a full license to do whatever he wanted. I figured that I could always just wear a kufi for a week or two if it came out bad. At the same time however, I was terrified that if my hair didn’t come out right and with ISNA around the corner, I wouldn’t look spiffy enough to attend the naseeb.com afterparty. But, surprisingly, mashallah, the man is a freakin artistic genius. I closed my eyes and didn’t want to see my hair get slaughtered… but when the smoke cleared, I’d have to confidently say that I received one of the best haircuts of my life. Not only did I like the end result, but he mastered the technique of setting the hairline in the back and cleaning up the neck. As anyone knows (or ought to know at least), this is the secret to getting a great haircut. It doesn’t matter what the barber does on the sides or on the front… if he can’t line you up properly in the back and do a spotless job of cleaning up the neck, then it’s all for nothing. That’s what makes the haircutters in the motherland so amazing: they use the hardcore razor (wastarah) to get that perfect line and clean you up real good. For a guy using the electric clipper, he did a solid and dead-on job of getting that perfect line. All in all, it was not only an economical haircut, but it came out surprisingly nice.


No joke, mashallah, the founder of the NFL has some mad haircutting skills to go along with his other accomplishments. On the behalf of the Don and kr, I have to give mad props, love, and respect to Alti for taking out the time to cut our hair, not charging us anything, cleaning up our mess (see below), and doing an impressive job. We love you Alti.



Eyes closed, feverishly praying mentally and silently (cause we’re in the bathroom) that he doesn’t mess up



Not sure what he’s doing here



The rascal was gonna stab me



Such a nice guy, he even cleaned up our mess


Finally, I took the picture below while visiting the Museum of Science and Industry on Sunday and I saw this hilarious sign:



Let’s see who can come up with the best response to this question. Use the comments or chatterbox and I’ll name a winner for the funniest comment… the prize will be determined later.

Finally, I promised Asim Saeed I’d plug the shirts he’s gonna be selling at ISNA

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29 Comments
  1. Anonymous permalink

    haha yeah man i didnt really have a choice cuz y’all just showed up…and i been cutting hair for too long now for free….whoever wants a haircut…holla at yo boy…only $5…sisters…ill cut your hair for free 🙂
    but f’real that was a fun evening…mad love and respect to you and kazim…forever and then some…stay up my niggas…next time you need a haircut…get at me…
    nigger-ul-haq

  2. Masha’Allah, Awesoem Haircut! Mad Props to Alti…

  3. alti = stud.

  4. Anonymous permalink

    yay props for alti! what skills masha’allah
    can’t help wonder why it is that french women don’t get fat?

  5. You write posts like these and then complain that your hit count is plummeting.Now take my picture down.

  6. Asalamu alaikum,
    Hey a free haircut is better than no haircut. Dont know if that made any sense. But atleast u saved some dough. LOL.
    wa-salaam

  7. glad there aint no cover for the ladies. two props for alti. mA.had to write a rhyme on this one – it’s called “alti’s scissors go snip snip snip.”alti’s scissors go snip snip snipalti’s clippers go clip clip clipaint no stud bigger make the girls str8 flipalti’s scissors go snip snip snip  there’s also a dance that goes with it. kinda like when rock-paper-scissors meets missy elliot’s ‘lose control’ video.as far as the ‘what do chicks eat?’ question goes, it is irrelevant. should you still care, i would speculate that they eat an abstemious diet of whoreos and ditz-bits. what should be of more immediate concern is “how do chicks know when to come out of their shell.” the shell referred to here is their cocoon of jejuneness from which they are liberated only when visited by a woman of immaculate maturity who then transports them to IJB’s House of Bake, Shake, and Intake (formerly the BDM) where they learn to become useful human beings, iA. it is only then their their emergence from the ‘shell’ is plenarily complete.-IJB

  8. Anonymous permalink

    the Don has blown his cover~!! get EM!
    oh yes, the infamous isna-haircuts.

  9. Anonymous permalink

    I don’t doubt Alti’s skills, but the IIE students still give the best haircuts.  Fades, fob-cut, mohawk….you name it, they do it.

  10. so…does this post make alti’s stock go up or down?

  11. Anonymous permalink

    show us your face brother clayton

  12. chicks eat the left over from her husband…thats what chicks eat. like in the ’30s when they only had enough meat for pappa…and the kids cleaned the plate. and as for haircuts, mashaAllah, good stuff. grow it out, or get it cut for free, those are the two easiest solutions.

  13. i wanna free haircut too. haha funny stuff

  14. Anonymous permalink

    You call this a post??
    Ima just go give the person who desreves this eprops their eprops on their site

  15. Anonymous permalink

    If anything, KR’s yahduiness with money came shining through on this. How much he pay you nigga?

  16. “What do chicks eat?”Hmmm, whatever it is, they eat too much of it.

  17. Anonymous permalink

    chicks eat cool whip, marshmellows, and food dye yellow no. 7.
    alternative meal: angel cake batter.
    how else do you think get so yellow, light, and fluffy?
    awww

  18. Anonymous permalink

    I think its cute that people are getting haircuts right before ISNA 🙂 al-magharib boy got a haircut for me, hmmm who did you get the haircut for bhaiya ???

  19. Anonymous permalink

    What do chicks eat?  The bhejas of their husbands

  20. Anonymous permalink

    lol hisham he didnt pay me squat…
    oh the perks of being in the NFL…
    nigger-ul-haq

  21. Alti is the best trimmer of bushy tail fur as well…I thoroughly recommend him…

  22. Anonymous permalink

    thanks my Queen!
    nigger-ul-haq

  23. lol…that pic with alti with scissors in his hand and the evil grin is hilarious …alti…don’t forget the head/neck massage next time
    what do chicks eat?….nothing….cause they’re too scared of increasing the love handels 🙂 that’s why chicks will never cook Biryani for you…

  24. Anonymous permalink

    lol..so funny…

  25. salam alaikum
    haha
    you are 100% correct about that neck-line being instrumental to a great haircut. haha can’t b too high or too low…(if its too high you look like a nerd..and too low you just look HAIRY!!!)
    take care =]

  26. hahahhaha.
    asalamu alaikum. great use of syntax. haha. who knew the art of getting a hair cut could make a great xanga post. Now, for a girl’s hair cut…that would need a week’s worth of posts. or a month.

  27. word up…. mashAllah.

    Curry.
    salaamz are in order.

  28. chappal slap?  i get one of those everyday! 🙂

  29. Alti is awesome. Thats so cool that he’s a good haircutter also. Props to you dude!

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