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May 1, 2005

Classic Posts #2


I’ve been pretty busy for the past couple of days so I don’t really have anything new on my mind to post about. When that happens, I resort to classic kr posts.  This is a joke that Saqib and I decided to take to the next level. I added a few more things today just so that this isn’t a complete rehash of a post.


When the minds of Kamran and Saqib unite (originally posted June 3, 2004)


This is what happens when two people have nothing better to do on AIM. I pasted Saqib a joke that I received in an email… and it just took off:


The original joke (again, not mine, I got it in an email):


On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 Welsh men and 1 Welsh woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian
woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily
together as a threesome.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule when they
alternate with the German woman who has twisted some palm fronds
into strands for making ropes and whips.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek
woman is cleaning, cooking and ironing for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to
the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless shark infested
ocean and then a look at the Polish woman…and started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide,
while the American woman keeps on bit**ing about her body being
her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything
that they can do, the equal division of household chores, how her
last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer
and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for
instructions.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and
have each set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is an
alternative because it gets sort of foggy after the first few
litres of coconut whiskey.

The two Australian men got drunk and beat each other senseless
fighting over the Australian woman, who in turn, is checking out
all the other men, sure that she can do better than ‘Bloody
Australian Wankers!’

Both Welsh men have disregarded the Welsh woman and are searching
the island for sheep.


The collaborative additions made: Disclaimer-We tried to make fun of each group equally and sought not to single out any group or overly offend them, so don’t send me emails whining about me not being politically correct.


2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman


2 Pakistani men and 1 Pakistani woman


2 Shî’ite men and 1 Shî’ite woman


2 Tablîghî Jamaat brothers and 1 Tablîghî Jamaat sister


2 Wahhabi Arab men and 1 Wahhabi Arab woman


2 Pseudo Religious brothers and 1 Pseudo Religious sister


2 Hindu men and 1 Hindu woman


2 Sikh men and 1 Sikh woman


2 MSA guys and 1 MSA chick


2 Arab guys and 1 Arab chick


2 Syrian men and 1 Syrian woman


2 Egyptian men and 1 Egyptian woman


2 Hyderabadi men and 1 Hyderabadi women


2 Palestinian men and 1 Palestinian woman


2 CAIR men and 1 CAIR woman


2 Jâhilî Arab men and 1 Jâhilî Arab woman


2 NU MSA guys and 1 NU MSA girl
2 Loyola MSA guys and 1 Loyola MSA girl


2 U of I MSA guys and 1 U of I (Champaign) MSA girl


2 UIC MSA guys and 1 UIC MSA girl
2 UChicago guys and 1 UChicago girl


2 MSA National guys and 1 MSA National girl
2 Xanga guys and 1 Xanga girl
2 School of Tameez dropouts and 1 School of Domestication dropout


2 Ghareeb Nawaz uncles and 1 Ghareeb Nawaz aunty


2 “Halal” KFC uncles and 1 “Halal” KFC aunty


2 IFS board member uncles and 1 IFS board member aunty
2 Muslimwakeup.com guys and 1 Muslimwakeup.com girl


 


The two Indian men begin a sappy love triangle that involves cheesy love song scenes, running through the mountains, and histrionic dialogue about how each one loves the Indian woman; the Indian woman is so distraught and confused with whom to choose, that in the end, she kills herself in an overly dramatic and poorly acted manner
 


The two Pakistani men also have fallen in love with the Indian woman, and kill themselves too when they learn of the Indian woman’s fate. The Pakistani woman cries herself to sleep every night over her lost dreams of being an actress in a Pakistani TV drama
 


The two Shi’i men take turns in having a 1 week mut’ah (temporary) marriage with the Shi’i woman
 


The two TJ brothers keep inviting each other for 40 days of jamaat, and forget all about the TJ woman who has nothing but her Faza’il Amaal to keep her company
 


The two Wahhâbî Arab men refuse to help the Wahhâbi Arab woman until she finds herself a niqab or makes one from palm leaves
 


The two pseudo religious brothers take turns calling each other a haraami and other such names while the pseudo religious sister looks on, lecturing them about how unenlightened, misogynistic, and unreligious they are… the argument ends in a stalemate…only to have each of them sneak off in the middle of the night to “meet up” with the sister
 


The two Hindu men each claim they were married to the Hindu woman when they were 2 years old and proceed to flaunt their doctorate degrees to ‘impress’ the Hindu woman
 


The two Sikh men spend all their time finding enough clean water to wash their hair and are too busy to notice the Sikh woman
 


The two MSA brothers have a shura vote between them to see who marries the MSA sister…the result is surprisingly a tie, even after repeating the vote 77 times
 


The two Arab guys ignore the Arab chick and fervently search the island for an Old Country Buffet (what is with Arabs and OCB?)
 


The two Syrian men both propose to the Syrian woman, who is from Damascus… she asks where each of them are from, and both of them are from Damascus… but it turns out that none of them lived on the street that her ancestors lived on, so she rejects both of them
 


The two Egyptian men play rock/paper(baber)/scissors to determine who gets to marry the Egyptian woman… the loser joins the disgruntled Arab guys… 9 months later, the Egyptian woman gives birth to a set of quintuplets.
 


The Hyderabadi men follow the same procedure as the Egyptian men… the loser joins the OCB searchers and complains about nothing to eat at OCB… the remaining Hyderabadi man and woman marry, and when they learn that the Egyptians gave birth to quintuplets, get upset that the Egyptians are outdoing them, and proceed to outbreed the Egyptians.
 


The two Palestinian men accuse each other of being Zionist Jews… the Palestinian woman accuses both men of being Zionist Jews all 3 proceed to throw rocks at each other
 


The two CAIR men team up with the CAIR woman to publish press releases about the above conflict and announce they will hold a press conference the next morning to discuss the issue
 


The two Jâhilî Arab men bury the Jâhilî Arab woman
 


The two NU MSA brothers proceed to find an Xbox to play “Halo” and leave the sister to fend for herself


 


The two Loyola MSA brothers and 1 Loyola MSA sister construct a volleyball net and court from twigs and leaves and proceed to play inter-gender volleyball.


 


The two U of I (Champaign) MSA brothers play “mafia” for real and vote the sister off to be lynched … who then claims everyone else on the island is racist and sexist.
 


The two UIC MSA brothers create a fake Montgomery Ward Lounge from bamboo reeds and just sit there, secretly eyeing the UIC MSA sister, eagerly waiting for her to come over and ask them to use their lot 4 card.


 


The two UChicago guys take one look at the UChicago girl… then help each other to construct strong rope from leaves and hang themselves on the nearest tree.
 


The two MSA National guys realize the only way they can score with the MSA National chick is through a “matrimonial session” at a convention. They proceed to hurriedly organize and publicize an ISNA-MSA convention, complete with speakers and entertainment session, but most importantly a “matrimonial session”, so they can “speed-date” the MSA national chick… with a mahram, of course.

The two Xanga guys and 1 Xanga girl end up starving to death… since instead of searching for food and constructing shelter, they end up frantically searching the island for access to a computer to check how many eprops they got.



The two School of Tameez dropouts end up pissing off the Egyptian-Syrian-Hyderabadi gang with their acts of bufoonery… within the first 2 hours on the island, so they’re tied to two trees and left to fend for themselves; the School of Domestication dropout ends up starving to death… since she didn’t pay attention to her studies, of course.


 


The two Ghareeb Nawaz uncles figure out a way to make biryani from palm leaves, papayas, fish, and other foliage and send the aunty to advertise the $3 biryani amongst the shipwrecked survivors of the island… business is going well, until one day, the uncles have a fight over the profits, leading one of them to split off and open a Bande Nawaz restaurant on the island that sells palak gosht for a rock-bottom price of $1.50
 


The two “Halal” KFC uncles desperately try to convince all the Moslems of the island that their chicken is halal and zabiha, even showing certificates (i.e., palm leaves) of authenticity… the “Halal” KFC aunty spends all the money earned to buy biryani from Ghareeb Nawaz.
 


The CAIR people publish a press release that condemns the ‘authenticity’ of the island’s “Halal KFC”
 


The two IFS board member uncles vie with each other to be declared “Dogar Saab of the Island” while the IFS board member aunty is busy making biryani for jumu’ah.


 


The Muslimwakeup.com guys try to convince everyone that the Muslimwakeup.com girl should be allowed to lead the upcoming jumu’ah prayer. Everyone ignores them so they begin to whine a lot more. Finally, the Wahhabis have had enough, so they dig three more graves next to the Jahili Arabs’ grave.


 


CAIR refuses to publish a press release about the situation.


 


 


 

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28 Comments
  1. WOW.. his is what eProps were made for.  I’d have to smoke so much reefer to be this creative.

  2. Anonymous permalink

    Yeah… no eprops for rehashing posts.
    I expect greatness outta you KR.

  3. hahaha, ok us loyolans don’t always play volleyball, and lol and having it inter-gender would be one of the last things now a days. hahaha. but funny and creative post though, props for that.

  4. lol, ghareeb nawaz isnt that bad now…….
    ~Summi~

  5. as usual KR: a long post but well worth it, I was dying of laughter by the time it was done.
    The best one was:
    The Muslimwakeup.com guys try to convince everyone that the Muslimwakeup.com girl should be allowed to lead the upcoming jumu’ah prayer. Everyone ignores them so they begin to whine a lot more. Finally, the Wahhabis have had enough, so they dig three more graves next to the Jahili Arabs’ grave.
     
    CAIR refuses to publish a press release about the situation.

  6. yeah i remeber reading the old one, but nice to see an updated version of it.  Everything fits so perfectly though. 

  7. Anonymous permalink

    Finally KR portrays the Wahhabis the way they really are…sheesh what took u so long…lol.
    Just for that (and the fact that ur worried about the number of eprops u get), I’ll give u 2.

  8. Anonymous permalink

    I wish I was shia.that’s SO cool.just kidding. I SWEAR!

  9. hey salm, arent you engaged… you oughta start praying that “she” doesn’t see that above comment.
    for a small nominal fee, i can delete your comment.

  10. Anonymous permalink

    asalamualaikum, haha entertainin to the max.

  11. These Classic Posts are better than most people’s original posts, hahahahaha!!

  12. Anonymous permalink

    “…the result is surprisingly a tie, even after repeating the vote 77 times”Simply amazing.  What a nice insight on the MWL.  The lot 4 card pick up line never fails.

  13. Anonymous permalink

    this post was too long man…next time just leave a section entitled summary for my lazy butt please…
    respect on the post…liked the CAIR part…good stuff…
    hisham stop hating…acting like ur the friggin xanga toll booth master…
    jus spittin the truth….
    nigger-ul-haq

  14. Anonymous permalink

    Classic indeed. I’m sure I appreciate it more since I wasn’t around for the “original”. Good stuff.

  15. i like the added ones, gives the old post a face lift.

  16. what a mighty entry. i personally liked the Jahiliyah Arabs, cuz that just went a wee bit too far, but it was way funny…much respect.

  17. how come LU gets called out for the one fitnatic event thats happend in their recent history (stuff that was done by non-MSA members), yet NU and UIUC, the most fitnatic schools that ever existed, are spared? no eprops for you…

  18. hey i thought you hated loyola… why you all defending it and junk?

  19. Anonymous permalink

    THAT WAS GREAT!!! (but, where’s DePaul’s MSA??)

  20. yea depaul is notorious for their intergender volleyball games, how can we forget them. even though the females always whoop the male depaul fruitcakes. -DMX

  21. Anonymous permalink

    Asalamu alaykum wrwb.
    The Pakistani woman would not cry herself to sleep, she would go for one of the Syrian men. They’re fair and lovely you know?

  22. Anonymous permalink

    go study for your USMLEs!

  23. wow, i read all that, the most i ever read, and it was worth it specially the “The two TJ brothers keep inviting each other for 40 days of jamaat, and forget all about the TJ woman who has nothing but her Faza’il Amaal to keep her company” haha funny stuff

  24. Anonymous permalink

    See how many problems there are with 2 men and 1 woman. But with 1 man and 2 women everything works out just fine. Polygamy in the hizouse! Man the proofs and signs are all around us. Subhanallah! =)

  25. Where are the black men and their woman?  This joke needs some affirmative action. 

  26. Way too long, but props for being in med school and yet sparing so much time.

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