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March 24, 2005

The School of Tameez (well-manneredness)

Before we get to the School of Tameez, a few introductory remarks–

Thus sayeth Shaykh 50 Cent:

I ain’t gonna spell it out for you motherf—rs all the time
Are you illiterate ni***? You can’t read between the lines

It seems that there’s many people out there who read some of my posts and apply a very literal interpretation of it, making ta’weel on matters that are clearly said in jest and satire, similar to the style of an article written on The “Ibn Baa” article (perhaps more affectionately now known as “the article wherein Kamran Riaz said that all women are goats”) has been this bannerhead for the anti-kr156 movement… though that doesn’t bother me in the least bit (heck, I’m prolly the only person on xanga that has a blogring dedicated against them… cause im a RENEGADE!), it was pretty ridiculous to see how such an interpretation was made. The sheep story was not meant to be insulting, but rather to show that gender roles and responsibilities are separate–just because they’re separate doesn’t make one better than the other. The problem with Western feminism is that it sets the male as the standard, and thus women are forced to compete in areas in which there was never meant to be competition, in order to be “equal” to the man. In reality, equality before God is the ultimate criterion, and this has been forgotten by “Muslim feminists” (and I think the term itself is an oxymoron, but that’s a story for another post).  Thus, when a sheep tries to be a man and lead prayer, it is funny and symbolizes what is going on. It is not to say that women are sheep or are animals… I was really scratching the back of my head to see what train of logic was being used by some people to arrive at this conclusion.

khayr, if you don’t buy that, that’s cool: kr156 is a bad guy, remember?

Anyway, someone mentioned to me a good point: why do I always pick on women and not on men? As an answer to that, I would offer that I’ve given up hope on the male gender… we’re hopeless to improve in various aspects of our lives, whereas I see a universe of potential in the female gender. The fact that Muslim women in America are still relatively successful in various aspects of their lives, overcoming the stacked deck against them is simply amazing. For example, men may think they know what courage and fortitude is; I would offer that the greatest example of this is a Muslim woman who courageously wears the hijab everyday in the face of societal pressures and antagonism that only a woman can understand and overcome. Mawlana Yousuf Abdullah once said that hijabis are the only physical symbol of Islam in America–meaning that even men with beards and such can “blend in” and be overlooked by people, but not a hijabi: she is constantly under scrutiny by both Muslims and non-Muslims for every single moment that she steps outside her door. That’s courage. In fact, Webster’s ought to replace the definition of the word “courage” with a picture of a hijabi.

Back to the point: I guess I’m critical of women because I have more hope for them. I’m more optimistic that women will step up for the sake of this Ummah in its dark hours and be beacons of light and an inspiration for men to stand up and start completing their roles. Perhaps one may think I’m being unfair in that I’m asking too much from women–well, I wouldn’t ask them this if I didn’t think they were capable of it. As for us men … subhanallah, we just plain suck. There’s no other way to say it.

I thought that I didn’t have to spell all of the above out, but it turns out that some people can’t read between the lines.

So in the same spirit of satire and jest that I wrote the School of Domestication, Theory of Wife Demotion, Husband Utilization Theory, and other such posts, I present another such post. If you find yourself ticked off by previous posts and yet laughing at this one… wow, all I can say is that would have to be the biggest double-standard I’ve ever seen. Hopefully this school will help us (the male gender) to stop being such boys and finally become men. As Allah says in the Qur’an, “Of the believers are men who are true to the covenant which they made with Allah: so of them is he who accomplished his vow, and of them is he who yet waits, and they have not changed in the least.” I’m the first one to sign up for this school.

kr Attending the School of Tameez

The School of Tameez… where “we admit batameez little boys and graduate men”

The School of Tameez is located in the heart of the downtown area and next to the School of Domestication. The School of Tameez is unique in its approach to teaching little boys the skills they will be using for the rest of their lives. The school has classes to serve everyone, from ganday bachay (dirty kids) to diwaanay puttay (crazy boys). We offer part time programs throughout the year, which give students the training they need to become complete men without the cost or time commitment of a full-time academy. The professional series are designed to fit within the schedule of college students and meet twice a week for four hours. Students in the professional program learn all the essentials of of being a Muslim man and receive training in other domestic matters as well.

Overview of the One-Year Course
The one year course is designed to address the maturation of the students in several key disciplines:
1. A Muslim man must be able to keep his family on the deen by implementing discipline and thus needs to learn about his duties and responsibilities.
2. He must also be responsible to provide for the family; the school knows that many boys are studying to get to this stage, so our courses will not directly deal with this area.
3. Since it is part of the Prophet’s Sunnah to help around the house with various chores, an introduction to domestic matters will also be taught.
4. Finally, an emphasis on common sense and not acting like a retard will complete the course.

Each quarter will build on the fundamental skills learnt in the previous classes to strength and bolster the student’s confidence and proficiency in these discplines. Students are expected to practice the skills they learn during the classes throughout the week to gain the full benefit from our highly experienced and distinguished faculty and instructors.

First Quarter
Marriage Pre-Requisites 101: This class will deal with little boys who think their number one goal in college is getting married. It will stress the pre-reqs that must be met in order to even consider marriage (such as being able to financially provide for one’s spouse… see Shaykh Abdullah Adhami’s Gender Relations). It will also stress fasting for such boys until they reach a state of readiness.
Introduction to Personal Economics: This course will emphasize the importance of spending money appropriately. Things like eating out everyday, “pimping” out your car,  and buying the latest gadget because it looks cool are not economically sound things to do if you’re planning on starting a family.
Domestic Help 101: This course will introduce boys to some simple chores they should know how to do. Not only is it good to give your spouse a break, but it’s part of the Prophetic tradition. This quarter will go over chores such as putting your dirty clothes in the hamper, hang up your coat when you get home, put your dish in the dishwasher, and refrigerating items before several days have passed.
Common Sense I (aka “How to Not be a Dumba–“): This course will teach little boys how to not act like a complete retard. Some of the topics to be addressed are: not doing stupid things like having a girlfriend and promising her that you’ll marry her; coloring the roots of your hair (as if you got into a fight with a bottle of hydrogen peroxide… haha, off the topic, one of my friends told me of an Arab uncle who saw some Arab kid with his hair dyed blonde… he went up to him, grabbed him by the neck, and said to him, in the fobbiest arab accent: “ay Muhammad, who bissed on your head eh, let me know, i’ll go take care of them.”); staying away from girls who have trouble written all over them… you know the kind I’m talking about.
Introduction to the Gym: Most guys work out, but there’s many that don’t. An introduction to the gym, including familiarizing students with machines that work out something other than chest and biceps (it’s comical to see desi guys in the gym who only work out chest and biceps and neglect everything else…). It’s quite unfair to expect a woman to maintain her physical appearance if a man isn’t willing to maintain his. Also, if push comes to shove and you have to defend your family, you better be ready.

Second Quarter
Rules of How to Properly Get Married: A continuation of the first class, this course will lay out how you need to have both parents’/guardians’ permission to proceed; how you shouldn’t want to start a family by breaking two other families; how the nikkah without a rukhsati is different from a nikkah with the rukshati…
Domestic Economics I: her money is her money (may take a while to grasp)
Domestic Help 201: This course will continue the principles taught in the first quarter, including making the bed, sorting your own mail, helping clear the table, learning to use the dishwasher, and folding your clothes.
Common Sense II: Continuing with the valuable lessons taught in the first half of the course, this session will deal with more specifics, such as: not wearing clubbing clothes cause you think you look cool when in reality you look like a complete buffoon; not driving your car fast in the parking lot because you think girls are looking and will be impressed by how you’re driving a whopping 40 miles in the masjid parking lot; not bumping your music so loud (that it blows out windows) as you drive around thinking that people are impressed with your daddy-bought sound system. 
Working Out I: This course will implement a workout schedule that should be like wird for a true Muslim man.

Third Quarter
Responsibilities of Marriage I: an intensive study of Imam al-Ghazali’s Kitab al-Nikah and other texts that teach the student about his responsibilities, such as establishing discipline in the home.
Domestic Economics II: your money is her money (may take another semester/year to grasp completely)
Domestic Help 301: Intermediate-levels of chores will be stressed, such as mowing the lawn, taking out the garbage, maintaining the house. Also, learning when to call outside professionals to fix house problems is important, because if you’re NOT an electrician, don’t think you can fix electrical problems and end up short-circuiting the house.
Emotional Intelligence I: learning to listen to one’s wife (based on the sunnah of `Umar b. al-Khattab, who used to deal with his wife complaining to him when he came home during his khalifate) after coming from work, learning to not take out work frustrations at home, helping w/ kids, etc.
Cultural Intelligence I: While it’s great to watch Sportscenter and read Sports Illustrated… a true man is like Petrarch’s ideal of the Renaissance man: one who excels in all areas of life. This course will teach students to read philosophy, poetry, history, etc. such that you can talk about something besides sports and food.
Working Out II: A continuation of the previous courses. The importance of not developing the classic uncle gut is stressed.

Fourth Quarter
Responsibilities of Marriage II: further study of texts from classical scholars.
Domestic Economics III: budgetting, being able to make that money go further especially for spontaneous gifts for the wife. This course will also teach men when/how to say no to their wives (for some women are just as economically stupid and will waste like $60k on a jewelry set or something).
Advanced Domestic Help: While the Hanafi school says the wife is responsible for cooking, it’s still nice to help out once in a while. This course won’t teach how to cook advanced dishes, but will rather focus on some basic things a man can prepare to help out periodically in preparation of family meals.
Emotional Intelligence II: learning to listen; learning when to not make jokes; learning when to sense anger and how to avoid a fight; learning not to laugh at her; learning the golden rule: if you do something nice for her, she will do something nice for you.
Cultural Intelligence II: This course will continue more cultural and humanistic knowledges that were started in the first course. By the time a student completes this course, he will be (as was stated in Braveheart), a “warrior-poet”.
Self-Defense: Students may choose from several martial arts philosophies. This will instill discipline and work ethic in the student’s life, but also will provide them with the skills to physically defend their families.

Finally Defeated:
Console: Xbox
Publisher: Microsoft
Note: I can finally start studying for Boards now… unless someone suggests another game that I can get addicted to…



From → Uncategorized

  1. ok. so i am gonna give you props for this post because i agree with it and i know you and i know wat ur intention is.
    that said, i dont like ur post. not one bit.

  2. Anonymous permalink

    hopefully now us frics fasters will get some respect — for adhering to this is quite imperative as i agree across the board.

  3. Anonymous permalink

    i agree wit my nigga hasan…im head chancellor of the school right?

  4. Anonymous permalink

    WTH I thought you were quitting xanga.

  5. Where’s my degree? I already passed all these courses.

  6. do you teach quran?  its tiring to hear about a guy and all he has to him is that he’s ‘panch namazee’

  7. hahaha, classic!!!  i love the courses especially the domestic economics and domestic help ones.

  8. i will provide eprops.  this post was good because it began to balance out the previous posts.  also, this was more serious.  my disagreement with the comparison of women to goats was not because of an equality issue found in western feminism.  the goat post was offensive because of the direct replacements of the word woman with goat, not because of a “western feminist concern” but because the whole thing was going overboard.  i’ll add more later. 
    my advice would be, if you are willing to take it, is not to give up on an entire gender.  there is hope for all people regardless of gender, race, or class.  if the cards were done, I would give you the prophet Yunus card that Saimah compiled the info for:
    When Yunus (as) tried to enlighten the idolators of Nineveh of the Message of Allah, they refused his proclamation and Yunus turned away in anger and disappointment.  He boarded a small ship that was ransacked by stormy waves in the night. Yunus was chosen in a lottery among the sailors to be the one to abandon ship.  After throwing himself into the darkness of the waves, Yunus found himself in the belly of a whale. 
    It was here that he prayed and asked Allah swt for forgiveness.  Allah swt forgave him for turning away from Allah’s mission without His authority.  Yunus was ejected from the whale and left on a remote island, where he recovered and eventually returned to Nineveh to find that its dwellers turned their beliefs to Allah swt.
    “And remember, Dhan-Nun, when he went off in anger, and imagined that We shall not punish him!” Qur’an 21:87

  9. exactly what all the diwaanay puttay need. good for you.

  10. Anonymous permalink

    “Anyway, someone mentioned to me a good point: why do I always pick on women and not on men? …That’s courage. In fact, Webster’s ought to replace the definition of the word “courage” with a picture of a hijabi. ”
    You make me sick.
    I believe you would find a pic of KR next to the definition of a renigger. lol I think KR finally came to his sense that he wasn’t going to get married.
    Regardless he still has a point, Women do rock mA 🙂

  11. Hey! What’s the idea of letting them know they rock! You idiot…now you’ve gone and ruined it for all of us. I smell a Muslim Women’s appreciation day coming. And you better BELIEVE it’s gonna mean presents. While you’re at it KR, why don’t you let them know that we’re perfectly capable of making our own meals too…we’re just too lazy to ::shaking fist::.

  12. Anonymous permalink

    good job kr, i hope people will stop acting like ignorant “buffoons” (your word) and bashing on you all the time…just remember, every time they bash on you, you get their good deeds.hafidhakAllah ya sadeeqi

  13. Anonymous permalink

    This article was foolish a lame attempt to make ammends for your wife demotion…mozlem guys are dumb as hell for the most part…no school will help make them better, they need mozlem boot camp..

  14. dude Saud, PBJ is not considered a full meal…

  15. i agree with Iqureishi. they need to go to bootcamp with that guy from the Jenny Jones show.

  16. “The School of Tameez is located in the heart of the downtown area and next to the School of Domestication.”
    Are you sure that is a good idea? It might be wise to have someone always present to perform a nikah.

  17. Thank you for the wonderful post Miss Riaz.You should be a regular on The View, I think you’d fit right in.

  18. Anonymous permalink

    I remember once back in the 80’s when I was a young boy, a mujahid from afghanistan came to mcc, which is probably something that will never happen now. Anyway, my nasiha is if you want to learn to be a man, read about the mujahideen. That’s if you’re not brainwashed enough to think that they’re all terrorists. And you’ll find beautiful stories of sacrifice and devotion. Of compassion and humanity. You know what the nasiha of that afghani mujahid who came to mcc was? It wasn’t to pick up the sword and rifle. He told me to listen to my mom and dad. That’s it. He wasn’t a savage or a male chauvanist who liked to beat on women. Just a decent man, with so much love and compassion in his face. He had such a warm face, and a peaceful smile. And when my father took me closer to meet him, I began feeling afraid. Like just his precense had such an effect, subhanAllah. It’s like when you don’t want to dissapoint your mother and just even a hard glance from her can make you cry. He had that kind of effect. Now imagine him being a man and having this effect, I wonder what a sister with that persona would do. Allah decides for us our gender and we come into this world. And then Allah told us how to live accordingly. That’s it! It’s so simple.

  19. Anonymous permalink

    HAHAHA lol @ mode213….nicely said…

  20. I know someone who badly needs to be enrolled in this school…

  21. that wasnt me who wrote the post. that was my evil twin Namran. he logged onto my xanga site when i wasn’t looking and wrote that post. wait till i find him, i’ma give him a solid beatdown.

  22. Anonymous permalink

    Asalaamu alaykum,
    Funny how the “School of Tameez” looks exactly like the wife training school. Isn’t that illegal, I don’t see a pardah anywhere.
    By the way, very enlightening comment “Ihussaini.”

  23. Anonymous permalink

    Asalamualaikum, ahhh someone with the enlightenment of whats guys need to become men! now just to put it into play… :). props.

  24. I like your School of Tameez. Good curriculum. I think I’ll register all my students. They all need it.

  25. Assalamualakum
    I love all your entries, very entertaining and informative. Med related ones are great. By the way I forgot to tell you or may be remind you that I hate Econ too. We have some great school memories. Thanks.

  26. Assalamu alaikumBrother Kamran or whoever wrote that bit on the first ever female led prayer…I was planning on writing a skit on the female led prayer…you know a humourous approach to the whole issue…could I use your article as a guideline for the skit I’ll be sure to you know relate it back to you insha’allah…I’ll even give a copy of your article out at the event the skit will be done at…Insha’allahDo inform me asap…Jazakallah Khair(Contact Details: alaikum

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