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March 13, 2005

New Rules


My childhood goal was to one day become khalifah of the world. Now, more than ever, I’m realizing how necessary it might be for me to really take this position and enforce certain changes in the world. They say that one should not want positions of leadership, but things have gotten to a point that unless I step in and control the madness, it’s just going to get worse and worse. Unfortunately, do to my being in med school and lacking a large and powerful army, I haven’t taken my position yet… but in the meantime, I’m busy at work to come up with various new rules (and yes I know that Bill Maher has a section on his show titled “New Rules“…) that I believe will make the world a better place. It’s because I care that I do these sorts of things.


Here begins the first installment of kr’s new rules:


1. You have to think for at least 10 minutes before naming your restaurant. Seriously, I see the names of certain Muslim restaurants and it makes me wonder what they were thinking when they named the place. Take for example this “fine” establishment shown below, “Khan Restaurant” (from our beloved Devon), not to be confused with the thousands of other Khan restaurants out there…:



Khan Restaurant: Bar.B.Q Tonight… not tomorrow, not yesterday, but tonight! Khan saab himself must be doing the bar.b.q-ing…


2. Items on the menu for Muslim restaurants must actually be edible:



A flying saucer? Is it halal to eat UFO spaceships? What the HELL is a flying saucer anyway?


3. Why is it that when you talk to fobs in a normal accent they can’t understand you… but only when you talk to them in fob-icized English do they understand you. Case in point: I walk into Ghareeb Nawaz and tell the guy behind the counter, in a normal accent,  “One lamb biryani and one gyro paratha please.” And the guy gives me this funny look so I have to repeat my order in a more fobby accent, hoping that no one I knew actually heard me. New rule: Fobs must learn to understand people who speak to them in normal accents.


4. People with SUV’s should be shot. There, I said it.


5. I’ve realized that all these “liberal Moslems” like Asma Gul Hasan, Irshad Manji, and the “Shaykhah” of the liberals, Amina Wadud, are nothing more than attention-hungry parasites who are willing to do anything so long as people are willing to look at them. For example, this upcoming “first female-led Friday prayer” that’s to take place this Friday, March 18 (which I will do a post about next week anyway), is the epitome of this pathological need for attention that these people seem to be having. The latest gripe by these whining babies on MWU.com is that no major Islamic organization has issued a statement on how they view such an event (as mentioned by my boy Sadiq on his latest post). It’s as if they cannot survive without attention, whether it be positive or negative. New rule: refute their works and publications, but ignore their general whining and attention-hungry public acts.


6. Oh what the hell… Amina Wadud has just joined the infamous list of “females that kr hates”. Inducted members include: Condoleeza Rice, Paris Hilton, Ann Coulter and others.


7. Any man who goes to that farce of a Friday prayer should check their local lost-and-found and ask if anyone’s returned their missing Y chomosome yet.


8. Kulfi is now the fifth food group. The FDA (under kr’s leadership) recommends 2-3 servings daily.


9. When you go to a fundraising dinner, you have to add up the total value of your clothes (and car, if you’re a highroller) and give 10% of that number as your donation towards the cause. Therefore, baller uncles who drive $50,000 cars gotta shell out at least $5,000 (if they drive a $50,000 SUV, it’s ok, we’ll make them shell out and then shoot them.) If this rule is followed, we’ll either see more profitable fundraisers, or some shabbily dressed lullers who come walking to such dinners.


10. Stop putting nutrition information on water bottles. You don’t need a label to tell you that water has no calories and no fat. Though what I think would be the funniest thing to do to all those Atkins people is for someone to doctor the label so that it reads “Total Carb – 30g”. That’d be priceless.







Currently Playing
Fable
Console: Xbox (my modded Xbox, thanks to Mirza… I still remember)
Publisher: Microsoft
Note: I played this for 4 hrs today and I can’t stop. I need help.

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51 Comments
  1. LOL flying saucers…that’s hilarious…where the heck did you find that KR?…oh and also, the HNIC has an SUV…so you might wanna reconsider that statement before he kicks you out of the NFL…or at least reword it so that it doesn’t include him (but i do agree with you on that statement =))-Tokes

  2. Anonymous permalink

    lol how could you hate Paris Hilton?
    Regardless.. you know you like the song on my xangay. The fob voice in which he says “Monica… oh my darling” is just ridiculously funny.

  3. Anonymous permalink

    you and me both are gonna write a piece on that friday prayer — hell yea ::: and just for the hell of it — I’ll finish it off with one of my many disses of asma gul hasan

  4. #3 rocked.  so does “females that kr hates”.. maybe hisham should go on there.  (no offense h2)

  5. Anonymous permalink

    Freakin HT lover. heh, jp.

  6. Anonymous permalink

    Thanks for being politically correct KR for number 7. Had that been me I would have written it up like this and included the next rule…
    7. whoever goes to that farce of a friday prayer should check lost and found for some missing balls.
    7.5 Screw being politically correct. All those men are just gay.

  7. hey aviator from hydroland, that restaurant is on devon across the street from Usmania…mmm…Usmania. hey kr, can you please add Margaret Cho to your list? i wonder if aunties are gonna be selling biryani after the “prayer”. that would be hilarious.

  8. its probably the uncles taht go to the prayer who made the biryani.. whoever goes to that prayer is whipped.

  9. Anonymous permalink

    lol ey man i aint a big fan of SUVs either…thas why i roll in BIG SILVERRRRRRRRRRRRR…
    much respect on the post kr…i like how you threw nigga in there…
    and i agree with pk-nigga-house…you shouldve added hisham…

  10. Quite ironic as I just restarted playing Fable myself.   Trying to be a bastard in general and flirt with as many of the girls as possible.  Oh yeah i’m a playa alright…

  11. Falooda should go under filth food. Yeah,YEAH you heard me Falooda!:)

  12. hey dont make fun of khan bbq, taste their food and u’ll be writting posts about the dishes being amazingly delicious…

  13. plus ur just jealous you’re not a khan… what kinda last name is riaz anyway???

  14. Anonymous permalink

    Asalamu alaykum,
    Number 8 for sure. And we actually took a picture by Khan Restaurant on Devon….not for that sign but it just happened to be in the picture. The random uncle taking the picture asked if we wanted it in the picture, then he asked if we wanted the “one-way” sign in the picture. I don’t understand your Chicago uncles.
    P.S. – “Bar.B.Q. Tonight” is a also a well-known restaurant in Clifton, Karachi, with amazing food. I’ve also seen this restaurant name in Toronto…why do Desi’s cop out each other’s restaurant names?

  15. Anonymous permalink

    asalamualaikum,i agree wholeheartedly with no.9, and no.5 should be common sense amongst muslims but for some reason people feel they should “reason” with these losers…

  16. Anonymous permalink

    Ok Ms. Karim, you did NOT just go there… Falooda is soooo not a filth food, you better watch your back tomorrow you candycane-pie eating freak!
    Anyways, yea Kamran, flying saucers are a desi invention.. it’s a type of sandwich… pretty good [sometimes]
    And yea Rabz I’ve been to BBQ Tonight in Paki and it’s sooooo friggin good.. this Devon place is such an insult to the real thing

  17. That’s insane. FLYING SAUCERS? Next thing, crawling pithas.Subhan-y..you so naaasty..for liking that crap, you need a slap…(kidding)…you tell me to watch my back..girl you must be on crack….and i can take you down, lyrically, mentally, hypothetically, ill break you down, right down to your psychology..dont even try me…you and you’re rooh afza….bring it, BOO YA!*sigh* i was bored. SUCCUMB, oh young one..(love ya)

  18. Anonymous permalink

    Shahzeen = BIGGEST LOSER on Earth for sitting there for 20 mins making a poem to come back at me with, AND spell checking it.. And I most certainly WILL bring my Rooh Afza! And I’m gonna work out my right arm and beat you in arm wrestling!

  19. Soo NOT 20 mins..and you KNOW I beat you TWICE at arm wrestling.Loser, for putting that twice. :)Why does this automatically add 2 eprops?!

  20. why has the comment section for this post become a WWF ring?
    and how dare you sully my xanga by mentioning that vile drink known as rooh afza. my xanga needs ghusl now that you have defiled it by mentioning that word.
    though that was a pretty good poem…

  21. Ha. Thanks. Take THAT Falooda.QUIT ADDING E PROPS!

  22. Anonymous permalink

    Oh please.. That poem was really lame. My poem about you spreading infectious diseases was wayyy better. And yea you beat me twice only because I arm wrestled 3 other people before you so my arm was weak. I’ll take you down tomorrow, 1 PM, Art Gallery, BE THERE.  And umm.. we might as well leave eprops each time since we’re using his xanga to duke it out and not really to comment on the post.

  23. actually, you can only add eprops once. now when you post its just comments. if you notice that this post has 24 eprops and 12 unique posters… meaning that each person can only eprop a given post once.
    shall i draw a diagram or a bar graph to explain this further?

  24. Anonymous permalink

    Yea actually that’s what I thought. Some people (Shazi) are just idiots. It must be all that crushed candy cane powder you’ve been snorting Shazi.. I’ll make you some falooda after I beat you in arm wrestling and it might help, though we’re going to need more than just one falooda to fix all the damage that’s been done to your brain.
    P.S. I LOVE YOU 🙂

  25. Br. Kamran- Pls., if you could spare us some of your time, a bar graph would be nice.Freak show: FALOODA! NO ONE was supposed to know about the powder. maaaaaaan.Spare me your nauseating,vile, disgusting, sickening..blazeblah..roof afza. For the lo o’ GOD!I seriously challenge you to 10 more rounds of arm wrestling. Tomorrow, after your stupid chem crap. THEN I challenge you to a game of Halo. Oooh yeah. WHAT NOW?!Fyi, my poem was cooler. ;)Love ya back.p.s- I think ppl here think we’re freaks now. Continue this on BLOGSPOT. XANGA SUCKS!

  26. ALAS, WHAT HAS ROOH AFZA done to poor Falooda:Falooda: halo is a video game right?11:01pm, Tues 03/15/05. A historical this is indeed.

  27. Anonymous permalink

    Ok you’re on for arm wrestling, but  Halo I dunno. How about Simpsons Road Rage on Game Cube??  I will kick your behind in that! Ok yea we’ll continue this elsewhere, but I just had to have the last word here 🙂

  28. Hun, NEVER.Bring all the video games you want. I can guaranDAMNtee I’ll beat you in ANYTHING.Islamic knowledge, maybe not. That’s why I contacted you, 😉 I LOVE YOU SAMAR!

  29. Anonymous permalink

    lol awww, ok now I don’t know if I’m supposed to say something mean to that or not. WHY are you being nice all of a sudden Shazi? Hmm could it be that you want me to feel sorry for you and end the war and let you off the hook from arm wrestling me?? Well it ain’t gonna work so I’ll see you in the Art Gallery at 1 PM and don’t forget I’ll have my posse cheering on for me (Shua, Lina, and Futuuumi!) and after that I’ll annihilate you in Road Rage.. Ohh in fact, I challenge you to Mortal Kombat!!  The bloody version! Muahahaha… LOSER HAS TO DRINK AN ENTIRE GLASS OF FALOODA WITH EXTRA ROOH AFZA (since I know the loser is gonna be you!)

  30. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’m the madqueen of Roadrage, so don’t even go there. My posse, pretty much all the girls at UIC, got my back so woman, you better watch izzout.HAHAHAHA.MORTAL KOMBAT?? That’s sooo childish, but yeah sure, bring it.Let’s take this face to face Samar, and try to get that smirk off your face evertime you see me. I know it’s a look of utter admiration, but control it please. It’s enough that I hang around with ppl who drink poison, but I have REP. I HAVE A REP MAN! Dang.(much love)

  31. I think they should make ppl drink roof afza in Fear Factor. ‘Ultimately, drinking crap is not a factor for you..you pathetic unloved moron’

  32. Anonymous permalink

    Uhhh that smirk on my face is caused by looking at that ridiculous goofy grin of joy you get on your face every time you see me. I just think to myself “how pathetic is this girl” and can’t help but to crack a smile… And the reason I want to play MK is because I’ll get more satisfaction out of beating the crap out of you physically rather than by driving better than you. Get ready to gulp down tons of Rooh Afza dearie.

  33. Anonymous permalink

    Oh and if I’m soooo bad for your so-called “rep” you better stop hanging out with me. But you know you can’t cuz you love me!
    (and I love you too!)

  34. I’d rather DIE. What DO you like not eating? Rooh afza seriously tastes like…raw milk..with cow fat…and bird poop..basically, all kinds of poop mixed together with raw milk..and eggs (if you’re lucky samar).AND WHY in the world do aunties at ISNS call it ‘strawberry milk’..or ‘milkshake’.Falooda, MK is like playing dollhouse. But whatever floats your immature boat.

  35. Fyi, all my dolls are missing body parts. That should give you a hint.BOOOO yaaaaaa.

  36. Sorry, I just had to repaste this coz it cracks me up.Falooda: halo is a video game right?Hahahahaahahaahah

  37. Anonymous permalink

    Ok you know what Shazi, since I’m CLEARLY the mature one out of the two of us, I’m going to end this here.. (actually I just really need to study now and this is sooo not the end!) Man.. all I have to say is, you’re a sick sick girl with all your body part-less dolls. You’re really scaring me now. I mean first you hate falooda, then the candy cane crack was enough and now this?? I don’t know if I can talk to you anymore.

  38. Dear God,Pls. make me smarter and help me think of comebacks really fast. If not, please make my friends dumb and pathetic..and please make them suck at all video games. Oh wait..Miracles been done?!Wow, You truly indeed are awesome.In case you didn’t get it Falooda, I was talking about you.Aimma jaassht jhooking falooda!I’m glad this has come to an end. Not only have we officially proven we’re insane, but we’ve bothered Kamran and his posse. Did we make his site meter go up? Someone pls. make a bar graph of it.Peace and love, you nasty child.

  39. Anonymous permalink

    Do you really think I’m going to let you have the last word? You’re a sick, twisted freak and actually  I’ve been thinking about it.. you need help. How can I turn you away when you’re in such desperate need of psychological therapy? Don’t worry Shazi, I will definitely help you get through this insha’Allah. I know the humiliation of losing to me will be way too much for you to handle, so I’ll spare you this time. Instead of arm wrestling, we’ll have a little chat about your psychotic tendencies, and as a very special treat, I’ll feed you some falooda too.

  40. OH MY GOD SAMAR. Go study. I’ll come back to this tomorrow. I do care for you. After all, the classes you’re taking ARE really hard.*sarcasm intended*I will never let you have the last word. See ya tomorrow, art gallery. And quit throwing candy at me while I’m at a meeting.

  41. Anonymous permalink

    HAHAHA you have nooo idea how amusing it was to throw candy at you while you were talking to that kalu guy.. That bewildered look on your face was priceless. I have some more of those nasty butterscotch hard candies ready for tomorrow (wow we really are immature?)  And yea my classes are really hard, and unlike you, I don’t like reading 235 pages the night before the exam, so I’m going to go finish reading my 150 pages.
    P.S. LAST WORD

  42. I was giving DAWAH man, DAWAH. That was disrespectful. I shall show you no mercy when I break your arm. None at all!Oi, Alhamdulillah my test went really well mmmk? 235 pages in one night. In yo face.Last word Samar.Word.

  43. Anonymous permalink

    I think not. I’ll see you in an hour. There’s still time Shazi.. you can back out while you still have your dignity. Just so you know, I’ve been selling tickets for this fight and most people are putting their money on me. Oh and new rule: loser (you) has to eat an entire ORANGE and drink an entire bottle of Rooh Afza (as is, no water or milk added) And exactly how well did your test go? I’d like to take a look at it.

  44. Anonymous permalink

    p.s. WORD

  45. Ladies and GentlemenTo demon+-6+99852 58s152t9ra52t9e529529629529529529259 <52950298 <+0SANMA-+963*-95/85*58*5*85*85*85*58*85*85*58*58*85*85*85*48*OK, to demonstrate how immature 260+96295 how 0985 Sama28r120
    -.+
    c+63+6+63+6 Samar can get, please look above.  She is currently sitting next to me. Now, I would like to describe how insane the falooda has gotten her. After ALL that ‘bring it’ crap she said earlier, I went ahead and announced to the girls at the lounge that we will be arm wrestling. Obviously, my ‘posses’ backed me up, and she only Ftima going ‘Yeah!’ After pretty much telling everyone, guess what she said? ‘No Shahzeen, I don’t want to do it anymore’. Obviously, I laughed at her face. She choked in tears. I pushed to her to challenge me, but poor weak Samar replied, ‘No dear, please give me a week to work out’. Being the generous person that I am, I considered it and said yes. She can lift tiny water bottles to gain more strength as much as she wants.BUUUUT noooow, she’s sitting next to me, claiming that she said she never backed out. SO, brothers and sisters, we WILL arm wrestling in an hour. Unless Falooda leaves right after the meeting, because GOD FORBID she will hit traffic.If you ssmmmmeeeeeelllll, *tan tan* what Shahzeen…is EATING!*rock music in  the background*

  46. Anonymous permalink

    I have sooo not backed out yet.. I was just trying to save you the embarassment of LOSING. After you took one look at me and my muscular strength and started begging Amany to give you some Tylenol cuz you knew you’d be suffering immense amounts of pain after dealing with me, I felt really sorry for you. And who started typing on whose computer?? And at least I wasn’t looking around frantically before opening up this Xanga to make sure nobody we know is watching. I’m watching you typing away feverishly right now with that goofy (yet oh so evil) grin on your face.

  47. Might I add that Samar’s utterly disgraceful. SHE LIED ABOUT ARM WRESTLING me and BEATING me!! I can’t believe you’ve stooped so low Falooda. Indeed, Rooh afza makes you like that. Ugh. So I have decided, we will have to video tape when we arm wrestle. I still can’t believe you said that.And yes people, she did run away after the meeting.Allow me to get upclose to your face and laugh out loud.Mmmuuuhahahahaha..I still love mawah 😉

  48. you both need help. they’re doing amazing things at mental hospitals these days.

  49. Anonymous permalink

    Ummm it wasn’t a lie, it’s called a JOKE.. but in order to understand that, you need a SENSE OF HUMOR which obviously, you don’t have. And COME ON, how could I take you on (and beat you) after you walked in looking like you were about to cry, complaining about your knee-ache and your headache, asking people for Tylenol, and then right when it was time to arm wrestle, you jumped out of your seat and had a sudden urge to attend the Rayyan Center meeting.. “Come onnn Samar, we have to go to the meeting, it’s too important blah blah blah.”  Now THAT’S called disgracefully backing out. Anyway, yea I do need a week to work out, I’ll admit that. But this doesn’t mean you’re off the hook.

  50. It’s not a joke when you make other people believe it loser. And you took tylenol too! Was the thought of being beaten torturing you? Awe, you poor little thing.Think about it, why would my knees hurt because of arm wrestling? Man, LOGIC.And why the sudden rush to leave after the body meeting eh? HUH?I can’t wait to beat you and shut you up. Seriously. Like one time wasn’t enough. LOL. I should’ve taken a picture of your scared face today.I will take a video of our match though. I already have my victory dance ready.Samar, honestly..I don’t think we should carry this on here. Have the last word here if you want, but I’m still gonna continue this on my blog. For one, I’m sure some people are getting agitated and getting the wrong idea.So yeah, BRING IT TO BLOGSPOT.Apologies to anyone who got offended..(?) and to those who drink falooda and feel disgraced by her representing you sickos.Once again, sorry Kamran.

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