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March 1, 2005

The kr School of Domestication


I was talking to my mom earlier today and she told me a pretty funny and downright ridiculous story about one of her friends (let us call her Aunty X) in another state. Aunty X is looking for a girl for her son, and recently, she was at the house of Aunty Y (the potential daughter-in-law’s mother). Aunty Y is present with her daughter and Aunty X is talking to the both of them, getting a feel for the girl and everything. Apparently the girl was intelligent and well-accomplished (career-minded and whatnot), so Aunty X was quite impressed with her in that regard. Then Aunty X asked about her household skills, such as cooking, and immediately, the girl said “Oh, I don’t do that, I think that’s beneath me.” Aunty Y added, very proudly, that they never let their daughter ever do any housework and would never want her daughter to do that (which is kinda ironic, I think, because I wonder if Aunty Y does the housework or what?). Anyway, so Aunty X said that’s ok, and asked if she was willing to learn and/or what kind of arrangement she would expect in the relationship. The girl said that her husband better make arrangements for those kinds of matters as she didn’t want to do that.
Aunty X: “So you want your husband to stay at home while you work?”
The girl: “No, I don’t want to work after marriage, he ought to work.”
Aunty X: “So he has to provide for the family AND take care of all the domestic responsibilities… what would you be contributing to the marriage?”
The girl: “Well, I’m marrying him, aren’t I?”


Needless to say, Aunty X left soon thereafter quite disappointed.


But it got me thinking that something has to be done to prevent this kind of situation from occuring in the future. Perhaps the girl simply was not taught these things as growing up… and if so, where are the key institutions within our community to teach these chicks the life-long skills they will need? So being the stalwart community servant that I am as I tirelessly and fearlessly come up with solutions to our community’s problems… I think that the following idea will go a long way to address this kind of situation. The kr School of Domestication will, Inshallah, teach chicks a lot of necessary skills (in addition to their religious and worldly education, of course) to finally become women.



The kr School of Domestication… where “we admit chicks and graduate women”


The kr School of Domestication is the vision of the enigmatic and noble human being known to many as kr. Located in the heart of the downtown area, the School of Domestication is unique in its approach to teaching chicks the skills they will be using for the rest of their lives. The school has classes to serve everyone, from beginners through advanced girls. We offer part time professional cooking/baking, laundry, ironing, and house cleaning programs throughout the year, which give students the training they need to become complete women without the cost or time commitment of a full-time culinary academy. The professional series are designed to fit within the schedule of college students and meet twice a week for four hours. Students in the professional program learn all the essentials of Muslim culinary technique and receive training in other domestic matters as well.

Overview of the One-Year Course
The one year course is designed to address the maturation of the students in several key disciplines. The School’s philosophy is that a true woman must be adept in:
I.   Culinary Skills
II.  Cleaning Expertise 
III. Laundry and Ironing Abilities
IV. General Etiquette and Appearance


Each quarter will build on the fundamental skills learnt in the previous classes to strength and bolster the student’s confidence and proficiency in these discplines. Students are expected to practice the skills they learn during the classes throughout the week to gain the full benefit from our highly experienced and distinguished faculty and instructors.


First Quarter
Introduction to the Kitchen 101: This course will introduce the student to many items that she probably has no familiarity with, such as the stove and the oven.
Vacuuming: This course will teach the student how to use a vacuum, when to use the funky attachments, the secret of potpourring the carpet, and how to get rid of those various stains.
Laundry 101: Washing white and colors separately, using bleach, and the importance of fabric softener are some of the topics to be discussed in this course.
Learning Not to Talk Back 100: The great saint Bishr al-Hafi said, “When it would please you to speak, be silent…” This course is crucial. See class instructor for more details.
Physical Fitness 101: This course will introduce students to ideas and concepts they probably have never heard of, such as a treadmill.


Second Quarter
Cooking I: After having been introduced to the kitchen, this course will deal with basic cooking skills that clearly many chicks lack, such as chopping vegetables, using the stove, making rice using a rice cooker, boiling water, and defrosting meat.
Dusting/Cleaning: the importance of dusting before using a cleanser on surfaces is stressed.
Advanced Laundry: This course will deal with advanced yet crucial topics such as knowing what cycle to use, the importance of Bounce to avoid static, cleaning the lint tray before using the dryer, using the dryer, and when to use a given detergent.
Learning Not to Interfere: After having been taught the importance of being silent, the student will be taught other crucial aspects of being silent, such as not speaking to her husband during the Bears/Cubs/Bulls games/Sportscenter, not rooting against his favorite teams, not scheduling random Devon excursions during any playoff games, etc. Again, the words of Bishr al-Hafi will be stressed througout the course.
Physical Fitness I: This course will primarily deal with using the treadmill (after having been introduced to it in the first quarter), aerobics, and other such physical fitness exercises.


Third Quarter
Cooking II: This course will teach the student how to make common and every day dishes that her mom knows how to make and she’s 20+ and still can’t make.
Baking Desserts and Goodies: While many chicks at least know how to make (since they make good cookies and brownies for bake sales), this course will build on that knowledge so they can bake (as in the words of Saqib) even more “yummy goodies”.
Dishwashing: Since the student will be learning how to cook every day meals, a course in dishwashing is a must.
Ironing I: This is a very important course as no one likes a wrinkled shirt or a pair of pants with a messed up crease. This course deals with the basics and skills of everyday ironing.
Learning to Give Helpful Advice: Bishr al-Hafi also did say, in the second part to the first quote, “… and when it would please you to be silent, speak!”. After learning the basic and most essential rule of not talking back, this course builds on that by teaching the student when and how to give advice, since men do some dumb things from time to time… well quite often actually.
Physical Fitness II: Pilates, yoga, and an introduction to basic weight-lifting.


Fourth Quarter
Advanced Cooking: This course deals with preparing delicacies and other fancy dishes that one doesn’t necessarily make everyday (like butter chicken )
Special Topics in Cooking: This course deals with the essential dishes that must be perfected for a student to graduate from our academy. Particularly, this course will deal with making the perfect biryani and the perfect kefta kabob.
Advanced Baking: Learning how make more yummy baked goods such as the perfect brownies.
Advanced Topics in Household Cleaning: Nifty tips like using orange peel extract to get out grease will be discussed.
Advanced Ironing: Topics such as the benefits of starch, getting the perfect crease, and how to iron a kurtha/thobe will be discussed.
Learning to Save Your Husband from Himself: Sometimes (very rarely), the man does some totally retarded things, like spend a crazy amount of money on a motorcycle or something. This course will teach the woman how to save a man from his own worst enemy: himself.
Advanced Topics in Physical Fitness: Specific topics, such as the importance of working out for the rest of your life, will be addressed.


 


After writing a post like this, I better go into hiding for a few days.


 

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47 Comments
  1. what i’m wondering is how sisters who read your xanga take your khutbahs seriousley.

  2. Anonymous permalink

    Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu
    Don’t you have finals this week?
    Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu

  3. ::backhand::…I mean…:::high-five:: πŸ˜‰

  4. who will be your instructors?

  5. Props on the picture. The courses themselves could use a lot of work. You should easily be able to combine a lot of those classes to make room for other ones.You could have saved yourself by offering classes to people of the male gender. But those classes would have to be separate from the girls classes. Well, at least in some schools of thought.

  6. why did you write this?  you have research to do for some educational cards.

  7. Anonymous permalink

    HAHAHAHA
    Bring on the Feminists, bring on the feminists.
    Props to the 2nd Nigga in Charge!

  8. i will caution women not to waste their time.  you have seen this before.  you know why it happens. 

  9. Anonymous permalink

    strangely enough, despite such posts, KR will still find his long awaited supermodel hijabi, i/A.

  10. Anonymous permalink

    What a cool school… *sigh* if only society would recognize and understand the value of such schooling, I’d drop out and join your school in a second…

  11. Anonymous permalink

    wow…ur such a friggin stud…mash’Allah!!! that had to been one of the BEST posts..if not THE best post that i have EVER read…wow…thas mah nigga…whoo!
    *stands up and applauds* bravo…
    hisham u shud learn from kr damnit!!!! come wit some good stuff…

  12. if only hisham wrote this.. he would be eaten alive.

  13. In the wise words of the Guiness beer commercial, BRILLIANT!!!

  14. Salam, That’s really insulting..I don’t care if you are joking or not..thats super insulting..WOW, I mean yea girls need to know these things..but sending them to a school of it..I think not!! wow..I am soo insulted..I don’t agree with this girl at all..but still..no insulting!!

  15. and don’t call girls chicks..that’s even worst!!

  16. can we call them babes?nice post, brought the warmth of sunshine to my cold day here in MI.take care KR.

  17. Anonymous permalink

    KR, you never cease to impress me. I can swear theres a lil wahhabi in you somewhere. Darn right those chicks need to learn all that. If they aint movin to Saudi Arabia, they might as well go to this school.
    A tip of the cap…

  18. Great post! Absoultely hysterical! Heres the funniest part: “Cooking I: After having been introduced to the kitchen, this course will deal with basic cooking skills that clearly many chicks lack, such as…boiling water…”

  19. Anonymous permalink

    Oh man.. who is this wintersamar?? Just to clarify, that is NOT me! I love the school… come ON wintersamar, it’s a JOKE.. I can’t believe you’d take that seriously..and above all we have the same name! You are representing Samars everywhere, and we Samars inherently have a good sense of humor so plz, don’t make us look so sad.. chillax!

  20. Homie, it’s game time.
    You ready? Here it come.

  21. well, still jokes like that are not needed..I’m sorry..I just don’t think they are! but whatever dude..

  22. If you want it we got itso get with itor BRING it…..dum dum dum DUM.

  23. you’re the guy with the great khutbas…wow, who knew! lol…

  24. Anonymous permalink

    wow kamran, it seems you know so much about holdin’ down a house, that you wont even need a woman to do it for you… potpurring the carpet? what laundry cycle to use? mash’Allah bro, your mother has trained you well. =D i hope you didnt shoot yourself in the foot by revealing your knowledge of such talents…oh, and these “chick-bashing” posts, although entertaining, are getting kind of old. dude, get some new material!

  25. do you have a time machine or something man??? either that or you have WAY too much time on your hand… but nice post…. oh no i’m only giving you 1 eprop… πŸ˜‰

  26. HA! I think I would be your biggest trouble maker..do you really want me in your school? I don;t think so!

  27. very funny! I don’t think you would want a trouble maker like me in your school..I would bring it down! and I can cook and clean..so I don’t need to learn

  28. wow u really r a chaos mongerer

  29. I thinkt his is a ploy for KR to find a good woman hating sister

  30. Anonymous permalink

    asalamualaikum. dude wintersamar chilllll, its a great post in my opinion :). i know when my bros were getting married they were finding out left and right that most girls dont know how to do anything…which is ridic. but if there was a school like this for real then what would parents have left to teach their daughters themselves πŸ˜‰ ?

  31. Assalaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu, Ever since I’ve been exposed to your xanga, my opinion of you has been changing drastically. I can’t believe you would write something so insulting about your sisters in Islam, even if it was a joke. The very fact that you choose to joke about this is wrong, in my opinion. (wow, you’ve really got me incensed…)Assakaan Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu

  32. isnt that interesting.  but islamichick– your name is not any different than the ideas kr propogates in his post (dont mean to put words in your mouth kr).  im not defending kr but “chick” is rather offensive as well.
    introspection people
    my 2 pennies.

  33. hey, I know that some girls can’t do things..but it’s not all..and might I ask why should the girl know how to do everything? I mean I’m trying to get and education too here..I go to school and work..and don’t call me dude..I’m a girl..I find it insulting..and I’m not the only one!! so spare me. I personally want to learn how to cook from my mom..I think she is an awesome cook and I wouldn’t want to learn anywhere else..I know to clean and do laundry..I can learn how to cook..I mean what do you expect a girl to do? sit at home and not get an education..I want to have a career too..It works both ways..we can’t expect men to sit at home and do all the cooking and cleaning either..We are equal in Islam..I want to get an education too..and I want to use my education..simple as that

  34. Why is everyone taking this post so seriously? You don’t have to attend the school if you don’t want to. Im sure there are some girls who wouldn’t mind attending.  We all need to learn to smile a bit more.

  35. (if there was such a school…)

  36. thanks for the feedback you left of my xanga… Hey if it was up to me I wouldnt be anonymous…sometimes for “political” reasons you can’t always say what you want to say because it may effect how people perceive (not yourself) but others around you and projects you are involved with. Even when you are sharing personal opinions sometimes they are seen as being part of something you’re taught or are propagating when in fact its just your personal opinion. I have actually been pushed by others around me not to express myself freely because my individuality has to be compromised because of my affiliations. So the anonymous thing is just giving me an outlet to express myself.And I accept your nasiha about those lines which you quoted. Jazakallah Khair

  37. Anonymous permalink

    yo kr hilarious post. I want to add the following. It’s retarded women would actually have a problem with this and find it so insulting and blah blah blah. Will someone plz tell them to SHUT UP! I swear girls are so freakin brainwashed these days. They claim to be intelligent, but in actuality it’s like they jump from one explotation to the next. My advice to all men, is unless the girl is super religious and pious and knows what the hell she’s talking about, don’t take her seriously for a second. Ake sey ake beywaqoofa hai. The don’t even know what they want. And they fight with you constantly, and expect somehow you should take control of them and guide them. Let me tell you what needs to be done. Forget about the what the girls rant about. Brothers make your demands and stick to them. The girls will eventually have to fold. If you want a religious domestic girl, then don’t settle for less, no matter how good looking the girl is. Aint no point in starving to death, even if the sex is good. Aint no point in living a life away from the Qur’an and Sunnah, even if your wife is hot. Ofcourse, in the beginning they’ll talk so much crap, just like that girl in KR’s post. Let’s see what happens when she’ll be 35 and without a husband and kids. Not only that, does any chick seriously think any guy in the world will freaking put up with that BS? He might if he’s gay.

  38. and should we have to put up with your bs either? I mean why would a girl want to be treated like crap by her husrband? I don’t think it’s fair..so why should other women..we are not brainwashed..I don’t know where you would get that from..

  39. Anonymous permalink

    um did someone tell you to put up with anyone else’s BS? NO! Is anyone advocating husbands treating their wives like crap. NO! You are brainwashed. Just look at the way you responded. You assumed that’s what I was implying. You assume any criticism men have about women is chauvanistic. That’s the way western society wants women to think, act, and behave. So you live in fear and that causes you to rebel. You can never be happy and never be satisfied. On the one side, men are brainwashed to become lust mongering bufoons and on the other side women are told to use their bodies to get what they want. Then the hypocrites come in and say to the women, oh look at these men they’re so evil, they only want you for your bodies. And then they go to the men and say, women are sluts and hoes made for your pleasure, just screw them and move on. They play both sides. When there is no harmony and peace between men and women, society falls apart. They become easier to control and exploit. It’s easier to take them into sexual promiscuity. It’s easier to demoralize them. It’s easier to control them. It’s easier to make money off of them. If you’re a smart woman, ask yourself who really benefits off of this feminism crap. Is it really women? With all the so called rights women have, are they any better off today? Sure you can get a job, you can get an education, but why are women still treated like sexual objects. Why do pretty girls get whatever they want, and it’s ok for them to act how ever they want, but a less attractive girl is treated like garbage and fingers get pointed at her when she does something wrong? Even women have double standards and hypocricies. On one hand you will blame men for being so restrictive and controling. And then when they leave you alone to do what you want, you throw fits cuz no one pays any attention to you.

  40. Anonymous permalink

    LoL I think its finally time for me to put my stupid comments on this post. I have one question…
    Why does everyone read a damn post and just get all pissed off as if the post is really talking about them. Could it be that this post is actually a reflection of their life, and they just don’t want to admit it?
    Look fact remains that alot of guys and girls don’t know alot of these domestic duties, because theyre in school getting themselves an education. Earlier in time, our parents generation and before, not that many children would go to school and hance trained in all of this, especially women, because yeah the men would be out trying to earn a buck. Trust me there’s nothing wrong with learning how to cook or clean, shoot I do it. Its just that women tend to stay home, TO TAKE CARE OF the FAMILY thanks to their superior nuturing skills, and hence they tend to need these skills more than the male.
    Everyone take a goddamn chill pill, you don’t need to read this post if you don’t want to, and you don’t all need to throw hissy fits over it.
    p.s I really don’t think that KR or anyone could care less that any of your impressions of him might have changed after reading this xanga. The truth remains, that people refuse to believe that this post was written in complete jest, They’re just too busy consumed in throwing a stupid hissy fit. lets get one thing str8 this is the internet, nothing here is REALITY, its all stupid talk on a stupid internet site. You want a disclaimer? Learn to take some humor. “Hey KR, take care man, you ma hero”

  41. Ah, the modern day replacement for finishing schools—by the way did u know they still exist? i was listening 2 some aunty talking bout how she sent her daughter 2 a thingy in pakistan 4 2 years, and another aunty was like yeah well i sent MY daughter to switzerland. Yeah it was pretty interestinganywayssalaaamz nice post

  42. made it an even 50.

  43. No, I made it an even 50…and the real reason KR posted this was cuz he learned from Hisham’s mess that posting about this kinda stuff will attract controversy and will thus get people involved and will thus attract people to his site and thus raise the number of hits he gets and thus finally raise the number of e-props he gets… in short, KR, 2 e-props for bein a nigga and devising a clever way to raise your hits even though you get 20 million hits a day anyway =)

  44. i “learnt” from hisham’s mess??
    nigga, i was the original chaos mongerer with TWD posts and stuff… hisham is like lloyd banks and im like dr dre… hisham wishes he was me.

  45. Anonymous permalink

    ameen

  46. Ahhhahaha, that was hilarious!

  47. K R man, you’re a frickin GENIUS!! πŸ™‚ Hillarious.

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