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January 21, 2005

No Wonder Everyone Hates America

Americans
always ask, “Why do they hate us?” I think the following post and
accompanying pictures sufficiently answer that question.

Apparently,
several years ago, some restaurant in Scotland boasted of creating and
serving the world’s largest cheeseburger. Instead of just letting it
slide, the American response was, “oh yeah, I’ll show you.” What else
to expect from a country with an unholy obsession with sports-utility
vehicles, big screen tv’s, and anything that’s bigger, faster, and
stronger than its predecessor. So in response to the Scottish
declaration of hamburger war, this boondocks restaurant in
Pennsylvania, Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub (what a name, right), created the
world’s largest burger:, with the following dimensions:

Where’s the Beef? 

The numbers behind the world’s largest two burgers
 

Establishment:


Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub,
Clearfield, Pa.

 

Baloo Burger Co., 
Glasgow, Scotland

Total burger weight:

11 pounds

10 pounds

Beef: 6 pounds    7 pounds

Cheese:

12 slices  
12 slices

Lettuce:

0.5 head   1 head

Onions:

2.0   0.0

Peppers:

2.0 cups   0.0 cups

Tomatoes:

2.0   6.0
Prize for finishing: Burger is free, certificate of achievement, photo on
“wall of fame,” t-shirt,
$75 gift certificate
Burger is free, certificate of achievement, photo on “wall of fame”
Preparation time: 45 minutes 90 minutes
Appointment necessary: None required   One day minimum
Year introduced: 2002  
2004
Price (USD): $23.95  

$125.62

Winner, and World’s Largest Burger: Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub  Almost

Not listed
above, but part of the burger: 1 cup of ketchup, 1 cup of mustard, 1
cup of mayonnaise, 1 cup of relish, and 1 cup of pickles. That’s right,
relish isn’t enough, you have to add the 1 cup of pickles as well…

So over the
years, many mere mortals attempted this challenge, as vain as trying to
undo the Gordian knot. The challenge was to eat this gross abnormality
of a meal in less than 3 hours and receive riches and fame beyond
mention: a t-shirt, photo on the wall, gift certificate, and the burger
would be comped. Perhaps among the prizes offered should have been a
free coronary bypass surgery, angioplasty, or stomach pump. Among these
vain attempts at infamy was none other than this gigantic fellow shown
below, Eric “Badlands” Booker, a 420-pound competitive eater who holds
a plethora of eating titles, such as eatings 4 pounds of corned beef
hash in a measly 118 seconds. Surely, such a pahelwan (wrestler) could
take down this 6 pound burger with all its fixings…


…but
alas, Badlands came up short. Even that ridiculous yellow helmet
couldn’t help him. If this guy couldn’t do it, who could?

So the
Gordian knot remained, taunting, teasing, and torturing the aspirations
of the dozens of fools who tried again and again, only to come up short.

Enter
Kate Stelnick, a 19 year old freshman studying childhood education and
psychology (wow, can someone say ironic) weighing in at…. 110 pounds.
What? No, that’s not a typo, this chick is 110 pounds. She must have
some hyper-metabolism or something, as she usually eats 4-8 meals a
day. To prepare herself for this horrible event, she didn’t eat for two
days and drank only liquids in an attempt to stretch out her stomach
even more.

Like Alexander the Great, she walked into Denny’s and
asked for the monstrosity-burger, only to be laughed at by the
waitresses, who couldn’t believe that was being serious at asking for
an attempt with the Gordian knot.
“When I first went in and kept saying I was going to do it, they’d smiled and be like ‘oh yeah?'” Kate said later. She then plunked down her money and calmly waited for 45 minutes for the burger to be brought out.

What happened over the next 3 hours… well, you can see for yourself:



“I said to myself, I must be done with the meat in one hour, 45 minutes, so I’d have enough time for the condiments,” said Kate.

“Then,
during the last 25 minutes — crunch time — I overheard Denny’s son at
the bar say ‘she’s not going to do it,’ and  ‘I’ve seen this so
many times,’ but I just smiled,” recalled Kate.
“Little did he know he motivated me even more to do it.”

 
Kate
had cut through the Gordian knot… what fellows like “Badlands Booker”
could not do, this 115-pound girl ate the whole damn burger. An 11
pound burger. Kate Stelnick ate 10% of her body weight in food… in
less than 3 hours. This has to be quite possibly the most disgusting
thing I have ever seen, heard, or read about… and I’ve been through
anatomy lab. She consumed 6 pounds of meat, fixings, and 5+ cups of
condiments…
 
…for
what? A t-shirt. Her photo on the wall. A free burger. Her name all
over the internet and the 15-minutes of fame that inevitably follow
such ridiculous events. Competitive eating has to be the latest item on
the long list of “stupid things we Americans do”. People are dying from
starvation all over the world… and we Americans are amusing ourselves
with competitive eating contests. People in other countries get sick
and die because they have nothing to eat. People in America get sick
and die because they freakin eat too much. Imagine if this story was
heard by some poor single mother in Latin America who has to work 3
jobs a day to earn enough to barely ward off the pangs of hunger of her
children. Imagine if this story was heard by a child laborer in Asia
who has to work 18 hours a day in a sweatshop and can’t buy anything to
eat and has to inhale vapors to get rid of the hunger pains. Imagine if
this story is heard by an African parent who has to choose each night
which child gets to eat and which one must remain hungry.

No wonder they hate us. As an American Muslim… I don’t blame them at all. If anything, I’m surprised they don’t hate us more.


Oh, and here’s the payoff line, from Denny himself. When asked what would he do if another restaurant makes a bigger burger:

“We
will do whatever it takes,” Denny vowed.  “We will add three
pounds of bacon — we’ll make it a bacon cheeseburger, if we have
to.  We are committed to have the world’s largest burger.”

…..

…..

A hadith of Prophet `Isa states: “He (Allah) did not give me the ability to cure stupidity.”

Eid
Mubarak from kr. Give thanks for all that you’re enjoying today and
everyday, and yearn for God to give you opportunities and chances in
life to give back to others.

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13 Comments
  1. Eid Mubarak.  that pic of the fat guy in the helmet rocks. 

  2. Anonymous permalink

    that chick is awesome…eid mubarak niggas!

  3. Anonymous permalink

    You got some HTML problems yo…
    1 eprop only for shoddy display… although you are only a med student. Shold we expect that much from you?

  4. how utterly disgusting. stupid Americans. and Kamran, you’re not an American Muslim…you’re a Bangalorian Muslim…kaykoo!

  5. Anonymous permalink

    yo Qidas.. Kaykoo is soo hydro.. well at least I think it is..otherwise this would make me look the stupid…

  6. Anonymous permalink

    *Returning the favor*
    Comic Book Store guy: Worst Xanga Entry ever!
    You running out of material there KR?

  7. worst xanga post ever?how come i got over 120 unique hits yesterday then… you jagbag.

  8. That’s… just pathetic. What’s wrong with people here?
    Although, I envy that girl’s metabolism.

  9. yes, and i’m sure most obese girls do as well.remember it’s what’s on the inside that counts sister.

  10. The idea is disgusting… yet, I don’t see the problem. Our ancestors fought off hunger to come to a land of opportunity… where they could eat whatever they liked, whenever they wanted to. So America is living up to its potential. Hey, u can’t blame Americans… this is part of their dream, and they are fulfilling it. (haven’t u seen Herold & Kumar!!)

  11. Harold and Kumar ROCKS!!! Everyone should see that movie. Everyone who I know watched that movie, went to white castle.

  12. they went to white castle?… haha, you know that they musta been arab then… whats with arabs and OCB and white castle?

  13. ROFL!!!
    I am sure you are amazed at this comment, considering its location, and the time that has elapsed between this entry and this comment.  But since I decided to point that out for no particularly good reason, I want to say that dude in the helmet looks awesome… freaking hilarious!!!  I agree with your commentary too, that burger could have probably fed a hungry family for 2 days.
    salaam alaikum, and proPz for getting the longest delayed comment ever….
    Salaam Alaikum. 

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