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October 1, 2004

Why the Cubs are a Microcosm of the Muslim Ummah

Some of this might have been mentioned in the previous post, but I wanted to comment on it further. After watching three heart-breaking losses to the lowly Reds (didn’t anyone tell them that the script calls for them to lose?), it’s quite clear that Cubs and the Muslim ummah have much more in common than you think. Some of this is tongue-in-cheek, some of it is a real comparison: you can decide which point falls under which category on your own.

1.     Whining Players: The 2004 Cubs have been marked by players that keep whining and complaining about everything that doesn’t go their way. The fans are no better, blaming Steve Bartman for the meltdown in Game 6 last year—no one seems to remember that Alex Gonzalez made a horrible error on a grounder to short that would have ended the inning. The best example of this is Moises (“I love to check swing on every pitch”) Alou who blames the umpires—and of course, Steve Stone (Cubs broadcaster)—for everything. According to Alou, if things rightfully went his way, he ought to have like 80 home runs by now. The same goes for Muslims: we’re first-class professional whiners, blaming everybody (the media, the Zionists, etc.) for our problems instead of taking responsibility and actually seeking to change our condition. “God will not change the condition of a people until they begin to change what is in themselves (13:11)”

2.     Poor Management: Dusty has really dropped the ball lately, making some horrible management decisions, particularly with his lineups. The latest blunder had to be with playing Paul Bako (who can’t freaking hit) today instead of Michael Barrett (a near .300 hitter). As much as he’s hailed for being a great manager, he hasn’t been intelligent with many of his decisions. The same applies for many of our leaders: they’ve been pretty good with a lot of their decisions, but lately, they’ve dropped the ball on a lot of things. I won’t comment further on this.

3.     Choking Under Pressure Situations: The Cubs are notorious for self-destructing in crucial moments: again, Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS is the best example of this—having a 3-1 lead, 8th inning, at home, Prior in control of the game on the mount… yet self-discombobulating just as they were about to cross the finish line. The Muslims are no different: we’re pretty good when there’s no pressure to do anything. But when situations get difficult, we’re usually unable to close it out (there’s many notable exceptions to this, especially historically, but work with me here.). A recent example is with how we handled September 11th: a total state of confusion, no one common stance, and a failure to effectively conduct ourselves when the eyes of the world were watching.

4.     The Significance of Four: Four bases in baseball; four righteous Caliphs… there’s got to be some relationship there. Four schools of thought as well.

5.     Hallowed Stadiums (this one is pretty blasphemous): Wrigley Field is considered to be the “Mecca of baseball”—I don’t care what people say, screw Yankee Stadium. Even when the Cubs are horrible, people come to the games for the sake of being in that atmosphere of Wrigley Field. Similarly, Masjid al-Haram is the most hallowed place on earth; millions flock to it yearly—despite the horrible Wahhabi presence (hehe)—for the sake of being in that sacred atmosphere.

6.     Overpaid Players Who Don’t Perform: Sammy Sosa is getting paid $17 million to hit .247? There’s pitchers out there who can hit better than that. Similarly, there’s a lot of Muslims out there who are making a lot of money and not really doing much. Seriously, how many big-time doctors, engineers, and lawyers do we have that are raking in millions but aren’t really contributing—financially or otherwise—to the greater good of this ummah… Alternatively, there’s people that are actually hurting the ummah with their fallacious and nonsensical arguments (like and Asma Gul Hasan… I oughta make a post about her and all these liberals soon) and making lots of money.

7.     Worldwide Support to Succeed: The Cubs, by far, have the greatest fan base in all of baseball. No matter where the Cubs go, they have fans amongst the indigenous people of a given city. And these fans show up in huge numbers, cheering, hoping, and praying that the Cubs win. The Muslims too have the greatest fan base in the universe: all of creation eagerly desires and prays for them to succeed because even the animals and trees know that if the Muslims succeed, there will be peace and justice for them as well. This is why our tradition tells us of stories such as `Umar writing a letter to ‘Amr b. al-`As (the governor of Egypt) and telling him to throw that letter into the Nile River in order to make it flow again (the Nile had not flowed in its usual season after the Muslims conquered Egypt, causing many to say that it was a sign that nature didn’t want the Muslims to be there… `Umar writes a letter to the Nile, saying that he is the Commander of the Believers and orders the Nile to flood and it does). This should come as no surprise, given that the God says: “Have you not seen that God has subjected for your use all that is in the heavens and earth and has made His bounties flow to you in exceeding measure, both outwardly and inwardly? (31:20).” Similarly, have not the Cubs seen that millions of people are eagerly waiting for them to one day rise up and claim their proper role as champions…

8.     Good Starters, Terrible Relievers: While the Cubs have arguably the best starting rotation in all of baseball, they also quite possibly have one of the worst bullpens. Especially closers. God damn LaTroy “it could have been worse, I could have given up more than one run” and the rest of the bullpen have spoiled many a solid starts by the Big Five… particularly in one-run games. It’s quite the same with the Muslim ummah too: our early communities were the greatest starters that any people could have ever had as role models. Yet, the latter communities—the bullpen, if you will—have been pretty awful after inheriting the game with a huge lead.

9.     If You Say It Backwards: Cubs read backwards is “Sbuc”; Muslims read backwards is “Smilsum”… reflect on this deeply and you shall grasp its inner meaning.

10.  A Reliance on Historical Greatness: Muslims are always reminiscing and recalling the glory days of Islam. We always pride ourselves on how rich and noble our tradition is compared to anyone else’s.  And we always use this feeling to validate ourselves and provide ourselves with legitimacy in the greater socio-political arena. The Cubs are no different, as they rely on campaigning about how hallowed and great their history has been. Interestingly enough, both the present-day Muslims and the Cubs really don’t see the eyes of history watching them and recording what they do: the actions of both, particularly the Muslims, will be either viewed with scorn or honor by those that come after us based on what we do now.

11.  And Finally: Perhaps most importantly, both the Muslims and the Cubs are sleeping giants that will one day arise and reclaim their intended birthright as masters of the world and champions of Major League Baseball. And until that day happens—and God willing, it will—I can only continue to wish good for both of them, and hope that I will be honored to see those blessed days. If a wound hath touched you, be sure a similar wound hath touched the others. Such days (of varying fortunes) We give to men turns: that God may know those that believe, and that He may take to Himself from your ranks the true witnesses (3:140). In other words, these are the difficult days that separate the true vanguard from the others. Though I’m a recent Cubs fan of less than 2 years (I hated baseball before that), I’ve been part of this ummah for nearly 23 years: I’ll be cheering and rooting for the victory of both… and so should you.


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  1. Anonymous permalink

    You fool. Brooklyn Style is right: Bako 4-0 woulda been 5-0 had not been for the gay cub offense.
    And please Alou is so freaking clutch. Better than non slamming sammy.
    Other than that i guess you deserve youre props. Except i must take off one eprop for the fact that you didnt know Bako was 4-0 catching for Prior AND that you wanted to follow up Jummah with a Janazah for the Cubs.
    Please… i’ll give up on the Cubs when they finish playing their last game/mathematically eliminated.
    And say that they dont make it, dont be all up in my face about how you predicted it blah blah blah. Cuz now thats what everyone is predicting, which makes you a regurgitator of predictions and a “cubs suck” bandwagon hopper and not a “Cubs will make it” bandwagon rider.

  2. no, i never predicted they wont make it. ive always said since the season started they’re going to make it.
    that’s why if they don’t (which is looking pretty likely right now), im gonna be devastated.
    im so traumatized hisham… i need to stroke your ears.

  3. The REAL reason the Cubs are like the Muslim Ummah:The Muslim Ummah now-a-days is full of followers who only do things that are popular. They go to ISNA for to the biggest speeches w/ the biggest names, they rally to the causes which get the most press coverage, they only promote the newest restaurant in the Lombard area, etc. They don’t address non-popular issues and wander in foolish directions at all other times. I suspect that when the Mahdi comes, many of these Muslims won’t rally to him until he starts winning.The Cubs have sucked for a long time. Just recently they started being a semi-decent team (making the playoffs once every 5-10 years doesn’t make you good in any sport). But when that one fruitful year comes around, everyone flocks to the Cubs like the proverbial annoying-as-hell fruitflies. All of a sudden the limelight brings out all the people who didn’t want to waste their time w/ the pathetic Cubs when they were losing.Therefore, you can see that the idiom of the Cubs and the way the Muslim Ummah acts are, unfortunately, two sides of the same misbegotten coin: They both portray the Fair-Weather Fan.- Shariq

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