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September 16, 2004

The Grand Unified Theory (GUT)

Before I get to that, check out this story about a Muslim guy who snuck into a female-only marriage celebration dressed in a burkha and veil to win a bet: … rumor has it that it was Hisham in disguise, giving a fake name of “Salim” to protect himself…

Also, for those of you who haven’t been following the Andrea Armstrong story, shame on you. She’s an American Muslim who recently converted to Islam… ok, so what’s so new about that right… except that she plays NCAA Division I women’s basketball at the University of South Florida. Oh, and she wanted to wear long pants/long sleeves and her hijab while playing. Due to NCAA rules, her coach initially said she would not be allowed to do so (the NCAA has devoted 5 pages of its stupid rule book about the proper uniform for people to wear)… and this sister, may Allah bless her, had the courage to quit–even giving up her scholarship(!)–if she could not be allowed to wear the hijab. So anyway, a few days ago, due to pressure by CAIR and others, the university agreed to let her play and would appeal to the NCAA to grant her an exemption from their retarded uniform policy. I was so hyped up when I read this last week that a hijabi would be playing Division I basketball… imagine what kind of statement that would make, how cool would that be for the image of Islam in America. But then, all these losers from the media (like Mike North from the Score 670 AM) started to bash on her, telling her “go back to your homeland” (look at her picture, she’s as AMERICAN AS YOU CAN GET… idiots) and people started sending her hate mail. It got to be so bad that she realized she didn’t like all this negative attention and didn’t want to make herself bigger than the team (damn, can we say TEAM PLAYER).

<<CAIR spokesman Ahmed Bedier said Armstrong had not been prepared for the
onslaught of attention, including hate messages, that she received.

“She wanted to put her team first, after her faith, and she didn’t want to
be the centre of the controversy,” he said.>>>

I’m indignant at how all these idiots bullied her into quitting. I wish she had stayed and freakin dominated on the court and made it to the WNBA. How cool would that have been? Regardless, she’s earned my respect, and in honor of Ms. Armstrong, I’m starting a new list: “Females that kr Gives MAD Props To” (this will offset the list of “Females that kr Hates”… which includes paris hilton, condoleeza rice, and ann coulter). She’s my new hero.

Anyway, back to this chaos that has overtaken my website for the past week now… I can’t believe that over 100 people per day have nothing else to do than to visit my site. Nonetheless, I thank you for your precious 5 minutes and I hope I was able to entertain (and sometimes educate when I write serious posts). Those of you who know me in real life (or even heard me speak) know what my real views towards women are and are not so deluded to confuse a website with real life.

I’d like to think my Xanga is different from all those other Xangas out there wherein people simply write about what they did today, what they ate for lunch, etc. I think that’s the utmost form of stuckupness: why do you think your life is so important that I would want to take 5 precious minutes out of my own to read about how crappy your day was just so that I could know that you had a fish filet for lunch. God, I can’t stand that. Even worse is when their friends then give them eprops for that nonsense and comment, “oh wow, i had a fish fillet too! lol! =) šŸ˜› and all other sorts of silly emoticons”. Anyway, since I couldnt stand that, I’ve tried to make this blog different: some serious stuff, some humor, a dash of Hisham bashing, and a pinch of robot dancing videos… all in all make for one twisted yet amusing website. And for those who are wondering… I made myself some chicken burgers today in the George Foreman grill for lunch today with some grilled onions, tomatoes, lettuce and fries with 2% milk to top it off.

Finally, commentary on the Grand Unified Theory since I really didn’t comment much in the actual text: Once again, a sister (a different one this time) took the initiative from all these posts–rather than whine and take this website as real life–to combine the Theory of Wife Demotion and Husband Utilization Theory into one Grand Unified Theory. I really have to applaud and commend her efforts on this, it’s pretty funny. If this finally doesn’t prove to people out there that this whole hungamma has been good-natured fun…

The Grand Unified Theory

Since both the Theory of Wife Demotion and the Husband Utilization Theory are seemingly designed to cater to the needs of only one of the two spouses, there is a need for a Grand Unified Theory from which both spouses can benefit. Surprisingly enough, as stated by Kamran, the Theory of Wife Demotion is indeed the Grand Unified Theory. I, being a female, fully agree with the TofWD and believe that anyone who marries a TofWD believer is truly fortunate. The only problem with the theory is that some points need to be further clarified in order for the women to understand how this theory really does lead to wife PROmotion. So before all of you enraged girls start
attacking me in the comment box, let me explain why the TofWD is actually designed to benefit the wife (or wives) even more than the husband.

Before I begin, however, I must point out that there are many areas in the TofWD which lack total sense and need to be worked on:

1. In reference to the first wife–“this not only includes beauty as it’s a given she ought to be a supermodel, but one must strive to find an excellent cook, ironer, grocery shopper, maid, and child-rearer. The first wife must also be an excellent conversationalist, possess a great sense of humor, and must be willing to train future wives. All these qualities must be present in the first wife or else the theory will not work.” This is the only reason the theory will not work? I don’t think so. And does such a woman actually exist?

2. Each wife has to be more beautiful than the previous, and then finally, the fourth wife must be “absolutely drop dead gorgeous”.  My question is, what drop dead gorgeous girl in her right mind is going to marry a man who by now is in his late 50’s/early 60’s, and already has 3 wives?

3. “it is imperative that the four wives must not be jealous of each other”
Again, do such women really exist?

4. As stated earlier by the author of HUT, “I dare ask any brother to attempt to find a girl to fulfill the duties of the first wife. Now, without the first wife and all the dileneated qualities, the so called theory is reduced to crumbles.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. However, if by some chance the brother does find such a wife, is it the slightest bit possible that he will find a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th who meet the same criteria?

Because of these points, to those who are not blessed with “the vision of inner clarity” (wow, using my term and expanding on it, thats awesome, the TofWD appears to be a twisted fantasy rather than a theory. It also promises happiness for the man who understands and applies this theory in his life, but it pays no heed to the happiness of the women. But as we will see, the women who allow their husbands to exercise this theory are also promised happiness….

As for the Husband Utilization Theory… to the sister who wrote it: as much as your efforts to develop a theory for the betterment of the wife are appreciated, this theory makes women sound just as bad, if not worse than men. As you said, “we are educated, God fearing women that have come to know and execute our rights”, so let’s not make ourselves seem like mindless, power hungry, control freaks whose sole criteria in choosing a husband is money. Instead, I propose we let the men follow their own theory and give them exactly what they’re asking for. We should work on the TofWD and use it to our full advantage, and realize that it indeed is a Theory of Wife PROmotion. So here is why we should all live by the Theory of Wife Demotion as it really is for the greater good of mankind:

First and foremost, I would like to present to you the following ayah from the Holy Qur’an: “..marry of the women, who seem good to you, two or three or four; and if ye fear that ye cannot do justice (to so many) then one (only)…” (4:3).  Apparently, the brother is completely confident that he can treat the four wives EQUALLY. Keeping that in mind, we’ll start with the role of the first wife. The husband really isn’t asking for much from the first wife. The cooking, cleaning, raising the children and even watching sporting events are typically essential components of the wife’s role as it is. And the best part is, the 1st wife gets to enjoy the first 10-15 years of the marriage while the husband is still young, attractive, and sensitive (for we all know men tend to lose those qualities as they age.)  Above all, the 1st wife is going to be, in essence, the “leader” of all future wives. Especially a leader to the 2nd wife whom she will have to train (girls, can we say live-in full-time maid?) So, each one of us should actually jump at the opportunity to be the 1st wife, for she is the only true wife (unlike the rest who are either a wife-in-training, a servant, or a trophy wife), and she will be provided with 2 housemaids-err, I mean.. “companions” to take over the housework, which will not only relieve the 1st wife from her household chores, but also from the everlasting demands of the husband (who suddenly is not so attractive and fun to be with anymore.)

Now when the 2nd and 3rd wives arrive, it is very important not to become jealous just like it says in the TofWD. Rather, the 3 wives must immediately befriend one another as this will come in handy later. However, the 1st wife should still use her authority over the younger 2 wives to the fullest (in other words, make them do everything.)  Now remember, being the 1st wife, you have already spent 10-15 long years alone with the husband, and by this time, hopefully have come to learn pretty much everything there is to know about him. This includes his likes (biryani, kefta kabob, football) as well as dislikes (under-cooked biryani, burnt kefta kabob, and being interrupted while watching the Super Bowl.)  It is CRUCIAL that the 1st wife inform the other 2 wives of everything the husband likes AND dislikes. For the next few years, all three wives should remain faithful to their husband and their respective duties… that is, untill the arrival of the fourth wife.

Now, many of you oppose the TofWD because the husband’s only role is to eat, watch sports, and watch the beautiful women as they go about their daily activities (which are namely, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids.) The original TofWD fails to mention the husband’s obligations to the four wives, and therefore, it is difficult to see how the wives are being promoted. This will be best understood upon the arrival of the fourth wife.

I ask you ladies, what better time to put the husband in his place than when he’s used up all of his marriages?  Upon the arrival of the fourth wife is when the TofWD will serve to benefit all 3 women who have patiently assumed their roles as babysitters, chauffuers, and cooks. Let’s keep in mind that it is now four against one, and therefore, the wives do have some control over the situation. This is where the above mentioned ayah comes into play, along with the HUT (which does provide a meaningful concept, but not in the most humane manner.)  Firstly, the husband must spend EQUAL amounts of time alone with each wife. Next, he must spend equal amounts of time with each wive’s children, for there is no excuse for him to neglect his duties as a father now is there? He must also spend equal amounts of money on each wife, and provide each wife with her own living space (separate condominiums will suffice), mode of transportation, and put food on all four tables. He also has to buy his own treadmill and begin to exercise regularly in order to get rid of the gut that has formed as a result of sitting on the couch watching ESPN and eating sandwiches made by the middle 2 wives. He must acquire and maintain a six-pack. Finally, in the original TofWD, the ideal wife (or wives) is described as being beautiful, an excellent cook, ironer, grocery shopper, maid, child-rearer, excellent conversationalist, and funny. No where in the TofWD does it state that any of the wives have to be obedient.

With that said, if the above conditions are not met by the husband, the four wives can simply form a union and go on strike. Either that or they can use the knowledge which the 1st wife had bestowed upon them of what the husband finds most irritable, and drive him crazy. At this point, the husband cannot resort to adding another wife, nor can he last very long without the wives waiting on him hand and foot. This will provide incentive for the husband to make sure each wife is happy and fully satisfied with her relationship with the husband. Most marriages built on the TofWD may lead to at least one strike, but it won’t last very long as it will be very effective in putting the husband in his place, and after that there will be no need for another one. Unless of course, the wives choose to go on strike just for fun.

So as you can see, being a wife to a TofWD believer will not make you a slave to your husband. Rather, the husband will always make sure to keep the wives happy as well, and if he doesn’t, there is always a simple solution. There is no need to feel “demoted” or “used” if your husband wants to follow the TofWD, because as outlined above: the more, the merrier. This theory ensures that the women who follow it will always be well taken care of; which is more than you can say about regular marriages. In fact, it is a safe bet that the women who are part of TofWD marriages will be happier, healthier, and more content than the average single-wife. This is because by marrying more women, the men are only giving more power to the wives, and thus, promoting them.

So in the end, it is clear that the TofWD, when used properly, really does provide the foundation for four happy and successful marriages. I am now a firm believer in this theory and I advise all women to follow it as well.

Can I get a takbeer up in here…


From → Uncategorized

  1. Anonymous permalink

    when i receive your vote, i will be sure to legalize polygamy.

  2. Anonymous permalink

    LoL I stopped at Hisham Bashing!
    youre posts are too long, i predict you dont get 100 hits today KR.

  3. I refuse to get married until polygamy is legalized in America.

  4. Anonymous permalink

    i’m not running for another ten years.  fyi.

  5. Anonymous permalink

    Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu
    I am one of those who writes mindless nonsense on my xanga and I am proud of it.  When you know that your closest friends won’t have time to talk to you, it seemed like a good idea to form a blog so they can still find out if you are doing okay.  Whether this closest friend is hundreds/thousands of miles away, or just too busy for anything else, remember that actions are based by intentions, and you shouldn’t judge or look down on others unless you know their niyah.
    I still love you though.
    Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu

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