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September 14, 2004

Husband Utilization Theory

I’m posting this because I’m such a fair and nice guy. I’m also posting this because I’m glad to see that a sister took the previous Theory as motivation to develop her own theory. Please note: I did not write this theory. A sister wrote this in response to my previous post and I was impressed and quite amused at her effort and I felt it would only be fair for me to post her theory as well. Note that she didn’t whine or get all irritated by the previous theory, rather she came up with a spoof theory of her own. Let this be a lesson to all you other females that are still irate about the elegant Theory of Wife Demotion.

As far as what I think about it… obviously, I find that its not nearly as beautiful, just, and merciful as the Theory of Wife Demotion. It’s also logically unsound in many places, and it downright seems malicious to marry a man only because he’s rich. The merciful Theory of Wife Demotion does no such thing like that, and that’s why it’s probably the Grand Unified Theory (GUT) that cosmologists like Stephen Hawking are looking for to explain the mysteries of the univerise.

Husband Utilization Theory

While the Theory of Wife Demotion seems like the perfect way for a man to get what he wants in life, namely food, nanny, and a trophy wife, there are inherent fundemental flaws that reduces the theory to a mere stipulation.  

First and foremost, it assumes that women are stupid.  Now, I admit that we have been pushed aside for several millenia as men have taken over critical roles in society, but as women, especially in this era, we have come to not only realize but know that women can do better in every respect.  No woman would stand to be demoted (the people of true inner vision can see that my theory is actually a promotion of women, not a demotion) in any sense whatsoever.  We are educated, God fearing women that have come to know and execute our rights (how come women never exercise the right to remain silent….  I dare ask any brother to attempt to find a girl to fulfill the duties of the first wife. Now, without the first wife and all the dileneated qualities, the so called theory is reduced to crumbles.  

Secondly, the theory assumes that the man is the intelligent one in the relationship.  Ahhh yes, typical Y chromosome behavior and gets them in trouble every time.  Thus, in order to take advantage of this point, I propose the Husband Utilzation Theory.  A simple assertion that, if treaded properly, will lead to success and happiness.

To all women:  First you want to marry a guy that has potential of becoming rich or already is rich.  You might have a problem with the latter being too old so ideally you want to find somebody that has inherited money.  Now, during your first year of marriage, you want to be really nice for him…go ahead and cook and clean, iron his clothes…this will all pay off later.  After your first anniversary, you want to start taking over slowly.  Utilize the “what’s yours is mine and whats mine is mine” to its full effect.  Soon you should have control over the bank account and when you decide to buy a house, make sure its under your name.  Your third year of marriage should be the net payoff year.  By now, you should have full control over the bank account, house, and cars and any other assets.  Now is the time to put him in his place.  Start by changing the locks to the house and transferring all the money to a different bank account solely under your name.  He will be begging to let him in and will subject himelf to your will, afterall he needs a place to stay and he can’t go to his friends because they will just tease him for not being able to handle one wife.  Take advantage of this relationship amongst men, although we abhor the chauvanist attitude, it comes in useful at this juncture.  Once you let him into the house, make sure he knows he is now at your mercy.  Since you control the bank accounts, give him a small allowance per week in cash just to make him realize that you are in control.  Slowly, make him cook, clean, and do the laundry while you relax, or make him pay for someone that will especially if you don’t want to put yourself through the torture of food prepared or a house cleaned by a man (interestingly enough, in the Maliki school, the husband has to provide domestic help if the wife requests it and he is financially able to do so… just thought that I’d throw that in… let this not be an impetus for everyone to start becoming Malikis, just because of this ruling…).  Let him watch sports only if he buys you a present and limit his watching time to an hour per day and reduce the time as you progress in the relationship.  Allow him to speak only to friends that encourage him to listen to his wife and do everything she says, and only see other friends when you are available and present at the scene.  Do 3-way (on the phone) if need be.  Take him to Shaikh Adhami lectures.  Make him listen to womens rights tapes.  Thus, use your husband for all he is worth, however little, to make life happy.  Live your life with ease and comfort as you have him wrapped around your finger.


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  1. Anonymous permalink

    Whoever wrote this post…
    Will you marry me? I like women who know how to take charge!  lololol
    LoL I’m Just Kidding guys, although damn she’s been thinking about this.. wow though, it sorta raises youre marriage stock in my eyes.. shnap
    p.s call me

  2. Anonymous permalink

    arey baap rey.. i forget the number:

  3. May Allah (swt) help you in finding you a wife that will put up with you, because there aren’t many worthy women who will take your attitude as a joke.
    There are some lines you don’t cross, and one of them begins when a joke applies to a stereotype of over 50% of the human population,
    including your Mother.

  4. may God help you to find a sense of humor.
    how come youre not commenting angrily about this post, written by a sister, that clearly stereotypes men in the same manner that the Theory of Wife Demotion did…
    oh wait, then you might have to actually apply these same standards of equality and fairness that youre lamenting about

  5. Anonymous permalink

    i think people aren’t necessarily grasping why the last post was funny.  if you look carefully, it was constructed in a manner similar to texts that you can pick up at an Islamic bookstore.  I will not go into detail about one of Zakaria Bashir’s early works (some 20 years before “Sunshine at Medinah”) but you must view the last post as a parody to the absurd literature that you come across as a Muslim woman.  The latter post about husband utilizations did not follow the same style, and is thus not as impacting so much as to point out that marriage in both of these instances is more of an institution of manipulation as opposed to a healthy relationship.

  6. yeah.  what she said.
    so there.
    p.s. i and other sisters decided that we don’t respect you so much. have fun with that.

  7. uhm, before you strain your arm trying to pat yourself on the back…
    you failed to answer the question: shouldnt you criticize the Husband Utilization Theory since it too is so stereotypical, insensitive, and oppressive? oh wait, its towards men, so the ends justify the means right… as long as it’s not against women, those same attitudes are ok? your logic is amazing… cause by you agreeing with mhaggag (a female, who along with the overwhelming majority of females reading both articles are not getting all ticked off by it), who finds the HUT funny (which has the same stereotypes, insensitivities, and oppressiveness that clearly irritated you so much), youre contradicting yourself, but dont let that stop you, oh no sirree, continue that lame crusade youve been waging for days now without understanding that both theories are JOKES meant to entertain people, and the fate of the muslim ummah or the free world is not at stake here. God, this is the last time im going to explain this, so if you still cant see the joke in these posts (like pretty much everyone else has), maybe you need to ask yourself if the problem lies on your end.
    the fact that you and other fem-libbers dont respect me… is that supposed to make me feel bad?

  8. A new concept in HUT. The result of it is divorce because the husband couldn’t open the damn door since genius-face wifey changed the locks.
    The result of WDT, four women that will enter junnah for being incredible people.
    Both theories are whack, but HUT = lame. Come up with something better, like how Husbands must learn to cook and subsequently get embarrased spilling stuff and burning themselves, and how they must be the parent who changes the dirter diapers or something. By the way, poor husbands make it into junnah, too.
    Insha’Allah I will marry a FOB.

  9. simple and straightforward:
    1. I don’t criticize the HUT because the number of men being abused on account of disrespect towards them is nowhere near the amount of sisters that get abused everyday because we don’t take respecting women seriously.
    2. The WDT article offends me simply because I take respect towards women very seriously, not because I don’t have a sense of humor.  Just as you would be offended by someone insulting your Lord and calling it a “joke”, it hurts me to read about the importance of women taken so lightly.
    This isn’t about defending your views anymore, Kamran, it’s about understanding that your attitude hurt another sister who has seen too much abuse because of what your article promotes.

  10. so you not criticizing the HUT because women have gotten disrespected is like saying Muslims shouldnt condemn attacks done by Muslims against others, cause gee… you know… we get tortured and killed a hell of a lot more.
    the fact remains: youve proven that you’re inconsistent with what you consider as “wrong” or “immoral” or whatever you want to call it. i would have respected your concerns more had you been more consistent.
    and why are you calling me by name? that’s pretty disrespectful too considering i dont know you (but it looks like you know me). but you know, im not gonna get all upset and ticked off cause its a FREAKIN WEBSITE…
    forget all my commentary and explanation, let me sum up everything to you in two simple take-home points:
    1. be consistent in your views, no matter who’s voicing an argument
    2. stop confusing a website with real life.
    im done, im not responding anymore to this.

  11. Asalamu alaikum,
    Okay, Hisham suggested I take a look at this post considering all of the disagreements it has stirred up. I’m an innocent bystander, so if any of you start responding to this on either my site or continue fighting (Allaho A3lam why you would), I’ll deliver beatings to each and every one of you fitnah freaks.
    Even though I occasionally stop by this page to take a look at what Kamran will come up with next (this boy never ceases to amaze me), I take everything he says with a grain of salt. Some ideas he proposes leave me sitting there like, “Whoa, how the hell did he come up with that?! THAT’S SO TRUE!” Other times I can’t help but chuckle because he might actually say something funny (those posts are infrequent). But then he manages to come up with the world’s worst post that leaves all the sisters craving his blood on their hands *COUGH right here buddy!!! COUGH*
    So to all the sisters out there who may have taken offense, IT’S KAMRAN! He LIVVVVEESSS for writing things like this publicly because there’s a teeny tiny part of his brain that screams, “WRITE SOMETHING AWFUL THAT WILL PISS ALL FEMALES OFF!!” We don’t need to read his posts. It doesn’t matter … screw it. Why waste your breath (or finger strength)?
    Honestly though, if you really want to get back at him for the stupid things he said in this post (whether he was joking or not), just copy and paste this in an email and send it to every hijaabi or muslim girl you can think of and tell them exactly who wrote it. That’ll get him riled up!!
    – Khadijah

  12. wow. i wish i could give you eprops for that comment. that was simply amazing, true, and darn right beautiful… though, you must admit i’m fair, since i posted an article written by a sister that certainly pissed the males off too. i’d like to consider myself as an equal opportunity chaos mongerer.
    anyway, good comments… except for your idea to rile me up… that’s not gonna get me riled up at all.

  13. Anonymous permalink

    I love you Kamran… don’t worry.

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