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August 31, 2004

Pre-ISNA Thoughts, Courtesy of Ilyas Ahmed


Note: I did not write any of the following. My boy Ilyas (whose single, by the way) actually had wrote most of this during a conversation on IM we had several weeks ago. He wanted me to post it on the Xanga. Unfortunately, I deleted the conversation without saving it. Graciously, Ilyas agreed to retype it. The following is Mr. Ilyas Ahmed’s scouting report and assessment on ISNA’s “After Sessions”. Please direct all comments to Ilyas (AIM: KBKachra).


Salaam Kamran, since your have been so irresponsible with my previous conversation about the ISNA markets, here is the 411 I gave you earlier but I kinda elaborated a bit more.


So like we were chattin, and you had asked if I was coming to ISNA.  I was like maybe and was contemplating it.  Then you said that if I came I could help out being a speaker chaperone and have other secret service type duties.  Then I was like……


“Kamran, to be honest with you, if I come to ISNA, you know I will end up on the trading floor of the market, and you know how crazy that’s gonna be”……


and from there began my theory of ISNA, sex, and the economy, or you can call this whatever you want to call it.  Anywayz, as I was sharing my theory…..Being the economist…..


Br. Kamran Riaz, this year I predict the ISNA markets to exceed their expectations.  Due to last quarter gains of graduating baccalaureate and post-baccalaureate students, the increasing rejections of renewing visas, the ripple effect of Hollywood and superficial southern cali and pop culture spawning lemmings, and the increase usage of botox and silicon (and I am not talkin about WMDs or PC boards here), this year’s ISNA will experience a thriving BULL market


With interest rates at an all time low, expect many shares to be traded and drive blue chip stocks up, giving average brothas like me a nice return in investment(s).  TECH and BIO stocks will be traded amongst upper echelon so they will trade high as always.  But Kamran I am telling you the sleeper (AND I DON’T MEAN AL-Qaeda cells) stocks to highly invest in and get ‘QUICK” returns will be PENNY STOCKS…..yes that’s right, I have said it.  The biggest gains will be with the PENNY STOCKS.  I guarantee that these shares will soar from sunset to dawn, or for u pious people…maghrib to tahhajud.  My advice would be to invest when they are at an all time low during peak hours and reap the benefits upon nightfall.  CONVERTIBLE stocks should be strong as always, the trick is to invest before the “top goes down”.



Okay now for my intangibles.  Due to the increasing popularity of the Matrimonial “Speed Dating” venue, selling short may work to your advantage.  I say this because at this event, we have all kinds of genre here.  Hey people, sell your investments at the current market price cuz here, the stocks are bound to fall, and then reclaim your investments…can we say “BLING BLING” time……


Now see how I introduced the “BLING FACTOR”, we need to watch this carefully, cuz it will have an effect on the markets.  Price of gold fell this week, while platinum is still rising.  And quite frankly, who gives a sh– about silver anywayz.  Its not like sistas these dayz will get that for their man…..they need to P.I.M.P them.  And for the girls, well….u guys know…..I aint even gonna go there.

If you are looking to play the commodities market, I only got one word for you…


Yes that’s right….the Midwest produces and rears the best livestock, especially CHI.  Like my boy Kanye West says “CHI TOWN STAND UP!” (All Falls Down song)

Invest in the Midwest and you won’t go wrong.  I promise you that.


So fellow brothers and sisters, I leave you with my thoughts.  Please invest wisely and have fun doin it too…take risks cuz bigger risks have bigger payoffs, and on the flipside greater losses.  It’s at your discretion.  Don’t be pansies and go with mutual funds.  “Carpe Diem”………..SIEZE THE DAY


Oh yeah and don’t forget your salah during all this





Disclaimer: Mohammed Ilyas Ahmed is neither an economist, nor is he rich.  Furthermore, he is still single.  Do not heed his advice.  This satire is solely for those who have a sense of humor.  Primarily those who have a sound understanding of the Simpsons and the Dave Chappelle show.  Those who do not understand comedy or have bland personalities have no business reading this……take care people.


From → Uncategorized

  1. interesting

  2. Anonymous permalink

    salah is very important

  3. Anonymous permalink

    Man i cant give you any eprops for the actual post, you didnt write it, but i can gladly give you eprops for the disclaimer at the bottom, cuz people these days are just lame and overly sensitive.
    To all those people: get a freaking life and learn to take a joke.
    But yeah relay my eprops to my Illyas. Cuz damn he deserves them.
    i’m out

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