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May 28, 2004

 Why I Hate the Lakers


An Unnecessary and Redundant Treatise by Kamran Riaz


I’m really wasting my time here, but let me go ahead anyway. For those of you who don’t remember the classical Blurty days, let me remind myself and everyone that I hate, detest, deplore, despise, loathe, disdain, scorn, spit upon, spurn, and generally can’t stand anything to do with the Lakers.


Part I: Concerning the Origin of this Hatred


Let it be known that this hatred was not always present. This animosity started back in 2000 when the Lakers ousted the TrailBlazers from the Western Conference Finals in an unfair, cheap, and underhanded way that would come to characterize the team at large. The reckless violence, clearly-evident favoritism by the refs, and the sheer arrogance that was displayed by the Lakers made me realize that I cannot sleep at night and think any good of this team. Nothing about this team was good, except Phil Jackson, who did enough penance by coaching the Bulls to 6 titles to make up for ma’siyyah (rebelliousness) by coaching the god-damn Lakers.


Part II: On the Development and Exacerbation of this Hatred


Now it came to pass that by the time the 2001 playoffs rolled around, I was ready to forgive the Lakers for being a bunch of vainglorious wanna-bee Chicago Bulls. I was ready to forgive the arrogance displayed by the Lakers the year before. I was ready to even forgive Kobe for thinking he was Jordan…


But like the dog that bites the hand that feeds him, the Lakers rejected my goodwill. They showed utter disrespect for Allen Iverson in the Finals by repeatedly hacking, assaulting, and all-out raping him after he torched them for 40+ in the Game 1. This lead to a theme that the Lakers would use throughout their “championship run”: Let’s just beat up people who can beat us; who’re they gonna go cry to, the refs?


Part III: Concerning the Lack of Basketball Love by the Laker Fans


Let us now understand something about the nature of these vile fellows who call themselves Lakers fans: an overwhelming majority of them are just fair-weather bandwagon jumpers who decided it was cool to be Lakers fans when they started winning. Add to that those damn celebrities that come to the game just because they have nothing else to do and they have too much money to spend. And freakin Jack Nicholson acts like he can bully the refs into making favorable calls? And what’s with these people in like Omaha, NE and South Dakota acting like they’ve been Lakers fans all their lives? The point is that while some fans have been loyal to the team during the bad years (as I am to the Bulls right now), the majority of them are fair-weather fans that just like to be on the winning side. Only thing worse than supporting an unholy team like the Lakers is to be a taqlidi (blind follower) supporting the Lakers.


Part IV: Concerning the “Media Love” for the Lakers and the Need for Drama


The media obsession with the Lakers is digusting. I understand its the nation’s 2nd largest market, but it seems TV stations love to broadcast games in LA: nicer weather, gratuitous shots of celebrities, interesting drama. In other words, the media has made the game of basketball into one big fat soap opera, where the action off the court rivals the actual game. I’m a purist, I admit: I hate these low-scoring games, I hate these high school kids coming to the NBA to get rich, I hate the lack of talent in the NBA. I want the classic late 80’s/early 90’s days of Jordan, Bird, Magic when the NBA was FUN to watch, there was real talent, and the NBA wasn’t just an overglorified game between high school kids.


To distract from the crappiness of the NBA, the league has to stack one dominant team with players and enough circuses around it to make them appealing to the ignoramuses out there. Starting with the Kobe scandal, the Lakers’ constant fighting, the team’s problems with everyone else, etc… it’s one big lousy and poorly-written soap opera that has only resulted in the death of the game of basketball. Sure, ratings and excitement may be high, but game itself has suffered, almost to irreparable levels. What kind of message does that send to players and fans when Karl Malone and Gary Payton join the Lakers? That’s like saying: “You know what, if you work hard and don’t succeed, then ride the coattails of others and you too can pretend to have succeeded.” It completely undermines the concept of a championship if you just stack a team with 4 hall of famers (who finally decide to play well only when they feel like it) on the same team. Championships are to be built with real players, not imported superstars who feel bad they haven’t wont yet; that’s real excitement, that’s real drama, that’s real basketball. Clearly, the media and the fans have no understood this and have been more than willing to pray the janazah prayer over the game of basketball.


Part V: Why the Lakers will Never Rank Amongst the Greatest Teams of All-Time


1. Diluted talent in a league devoid of serious talent. It’s pretty easy to win against college sophomores (which most players oughta be).


2. Lack of serious competition. Again, all the great teams of the past were great because they had amazing competition and had to push themselves to the next level to truly achieve greatness. It’s not a big deal to destroy an anthill with a bomb. The Lakers’ victories dont impress me one bit.


3. Lack of effort. This concept of playing only when they feel like it… that’s corrupted the game forever. It’s like saying to all the other teams, “oh, you worked so hard all year, but too bad, we’re gonna be favored to win in the end anyway so we’re gonna finally start playing.” Damnit, the stacked 2003-04 Lakers oughta have gone 70+ in wins with that much talent… but they were a bunch of stallers and cry babies who wanted to have their drama all year and then finally get around to basically do what they were supposed to do. It’s not a big deal to see a 250 lb man eat a hamburger; he’s done it before and he’s supposed to do it. Greatness is when someone does something they’re not supposed to be able to do. A 250 lb man eating 25 hamburgers… now that’s priceless.


Conclusion: Pictorial Display


Picture #1: Gimme the ball ref, or I’ll rape your daughter



Picture #2: Boohoo, we lost to the Spurs, boohoo



Final Conclusion: Damn the Lakers to hell for destroying the sport I love.

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One Comment
  1. Anonymous permalink

    Nice Post KR. I like the pics at the end though. LoL and I gave eprops cuz I like the post and not you. Well i like you.. but just as a friend! LoL unlike a certain aamer tajuddin and his ‘sister’?

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